Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Resolutions....

I don't make resolutions. I just do them...

The road traveled...

I feel like it's calling my name,
the prairies, the hills, the mountains.
The life in the west,
is better than the rest.

I think this is where I'm being told to go...

Monday, December 26, 2011

The ride...

He puts on his chaps,
tightens up his belt.
Grabs his hat,
snaps his shirt.

Reaches down to fill his hands with dirt,
looks at the steer.
The snorts,
the snot.
The breath is smelly and hot.

Not long is the ride,
he has nowhere to hide.
He has to make a go,
if he wants the prize.
This is his dream,
he is more wise.

It wasn't good last time,
he was robbed because the judge was blind.

His wife is back home,
on the ranch all alone.
His girlfriend is there,
tossing her hair.
She doesn't care,
if he rides or falls.

His boy is angry,
he doesn't know his dad.
All he wants is to be his friend,
when will this end?

He gets on,
tightens the strap.
They pull the gate,
looking for 8...

He jumps,
he twists.
He snarls and grunts.
Back and forth,
side to side.

He can't hold on,
it's way to much.
He lets go and everything goes black.
In the dirt surrounded by strangers.

All of the pride, all of the points,
outweigh the dangers.
Heavy pain in his back,
he can't feel his legs.

He's all alone in his bed,
no hat on his head.
The buckle is on the counter.
The check is in the mail.

He calls home on the phone,
no one answers.
He calls the girl,
no answer.

All of the prizes, all the points.
He won the finals,
he is a hero.
So why does he feel like a zero?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

To live again...

"This learning to live killing me"
Garth Brooks, Learning to live.

To live again is like walking into a room where you are the only person you know.
As you work the room,
you begin to grow.
The relationship begins to climb,
to become rich with time.

Forget the girls,
forget the boys.
Be done with all the toys,
learning to be with yourself.
putting the popularity on the shelf.

To get to know me,
that is where I will be.
I want to learn who I am,
I want to be my best friend.
I want to count on me when the times get rough,
I want to be there when the times are great!

Little things make a big difference,
big things make little waves.
The ones chasing the big lights are actually the slaves.

To lift that bar,
to run so far.
To be the friend who is free,
that is who I want to be...with me.

Big changes are coming,
with every little step I take.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The real 1%ers...

So I know there are a few of us who are constantly battling the demons of our choices. We just can't seem to find people who understand us. We all seem to not want to let go of what we have been through and move on. No one understands the feelings we have, no one understands the fear we felt. No one seems to know what it's like to watch a life fade before your own eyes. God forbid they do something like go to a foreign country and do battle with a person who looks different, talks different, believes different. Do you know what its like to go somewhere and be hated for what they think you believe?

Truth is this, they don't.

Granted, I don't think what I went through is anything like what the Marines went through on Tarawa, Guadalcanal, Khe San, Hue City, or even Beruit. Nor do I feel as if I can sit at the same table as the guys who took Baghdad. I do know that I am doing well. I don't need medication, I don't drink excessively, I have great relationships with people. I have struggled, I have been down, and I still have the nightmares of the screams at night, the women on the trucks, and the bearded man who asks me why I shot him. That's usually a pretty interesting dream because we end up talking about other things in my life...does that make me crazy? Whatever, everyone is a little crazy.

It hurts me to know that I have brothers in pain. It hurts to know that all they really need to do is give it up and not carry that weight anymore. You aren't alone in this fight or in this world. There are many out there who do know what you are going through. There are many that will sit and talk with you and talk you through what is going on. The mind is a funny thing... If you give it a chance it will fix itself. You can't drown it out with alcohol or drugs, it takes time and effort. You need to take those demons straight on. You are going to have to go back to the fear, the uncertainty, the anger, and the frustration. You need to realize that, yes you are in control. Yes, you are emotional, and yes you are hurting. Once you realize those things you can deal with them. It may mean you need to be on anti-depressants for a bit. You may need to give up the beer and liquor until you can control it or know where your limit is.

Don't let the pain get you down. Don't let the demons of your choices rule your life. You are not a are a survivor. The 99%ers can kiss your ass because you know when things get bad you will stand up and fight. Those who think they are going to be part of the 1% need to ask themselves this question: Do I have what it takes to stand up?

I know I do... I've done it. I am doing it. I have been everyday and I will continue to do so. Because I am strong, I am smart, and I want to live the way I feel. I will not be a statistic, I will not be the person people say is "messed up", and I sure as hell won't be the guy who lives off of hand outs for the rest of my life. I earned my title, I earned my place in this world. I have gone forth and done things that people only do in video games. I wear my experience with pride and I give thanks to those have gone before me.

I am the 1%.

I am here for you if you need to talk...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

When the chips are down,
and no one is around.
You pick up your phone,
and you call me.

To fill up the time,
to be alone is a crime.
To let go of your baggage,
to vent your frustrations.

You say hi to be nice,
the conversation is concise.
That is the very least you can do,
because I am lower than your shoe?

I don't meet your standard,
I don't make your grade.
I don't rate to share your shade.

Everyone sees it,
everyone knows.
For you think you are hiding it,
but your true colors are what shows.

That's okay,
that's alright.
You aren't worth the fight.

So tired of the fake,
be real for goodness sake.
I give you the real me,
at no charge...because I am free.


Saturday, December 17, 2011

The countdown begins...

Yea, I can't wait to leave this place... The arrogance, the nastiness, the bubble, the people all can take a walk.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The fight back home...

We have stowed our rucks,
returned our rifles.
We have said hello and given big hugs.
We drink that first beer,
give our brothers a cheer.

We go home on leave,
with hashmarks on the sleeve.
Ribbons on our chest,
time for long needed rest.
We hope for peace,
for the bullets flight will cease.

No more convoys,
no more ECP's.
No more hides,
I'm done with sleeping in weeds.
No more come up sheets,
no more eye strain from the scope.

To move on with my life,
is what I hope.

I feel peace, I feel numb?
From where did this come,
this feeling of despair,
for this, for that, for her,
I just don't seem to care.
I can't sleep at night,
I'm always ready for a fight.

I turn to a bottle,
I swallow that pill.
I can't seem to find any thrill.
Light up a bowl,
go for a stroll.

Destroying my body,
not caring for life.
This is the tune of my strife.
I'm in a dark place,
I can't keep up with this pace.
They don't understand,
I just want someone to hold my hand.
I don't want the screams,
even though safety is what it me.

Tell me I'm ok, tell me it will get better.
No one knows...
No one knows...

I wake up one day,
I can see the light.
No one knows...
I go to the den,
to find my zen.
To center my life,
to be rid of this strife.

I throw the bottle,
I flush the pills.
For those are what are stealing my thrills.
I'm better than this,
I don't need any of that.

My friends think I'm crazy,
may parents are scared.
This is something new,
I have something to do.
To live again,
to move on.
To let it be a part of me that few show,
I want to let many know.

Just how much it has changed me,
I'm not the person I used to be.
I am stronger,
I am wiser.
I am clean.
I take on the battle at home

I fight through the guilt,
I fight through the pain.
I fight so I can remain.
I will give you the real me,
I will not hide behind the cloud,
I am better.

It's a lonely battle,
fought by many.
Those who fail aren't few...but many.
You kick us to the curb,
you tell us we are broke.
I'm laughing...because you are the joke.

I have come so far...

I am home.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Because I was white...

So this is something I haven't told many about. I'm not embarrassed by it but it's just something that I don't talk about. I don't remember a whole lot about it...other than the initial hit and waking up in the hospital.

I had been in the fleet for maybe two weeks and I still didn't have a bed to sleep in. I was sleeping in a sleeping bag on a iso-mat and living out of my sea bag. Since I was the ripe old age of 18 I didn't have a lot of people to hang out with. Everyone was older and out having a good saturday. I was just kind of doing whatever I could do.

A Marine came back to the barracks from spending some time at the brig for whatever reason (I found out later he had beat his wife pretty bad). He was a large guy... borderline giant. I was showering after hitting the gym. He was sleeping on the rack when I came out of the bathroom. I noticed he had a dream catcher tattoo and a NP (native pride) tattoo on massive shoulder. He woke up and looked at me. Nothing came of it so I continued on with my business. I stepped outside to talk to my girlfriend on the phone which I did for about two hours. After I told her goodnight I went inside and rolled out my bed. V (big dude) asked me why I was doing that. I answered his question with respect. I offered up a question, "What is NP?" He looked at me like I was an idiot. He answered with, "native pride...stupid white boy." I didn't say anything. He then went on about how I was so stupid to be here. Again I didn't say anything. He went on about how the white man made his people live on reservations and how they raped the women and what not. I must have gave him a look. I started to tell him that my family didn't do anything to his POW!!! Thundering fist right to the mouth. I fell and he picked me up with one arm and threw me...thats where I went out.

I woke up in the hospital with my platoon commander and platoon sergeant standing over me. I had broken ribs, splt lips, a black eye, bruised scull, and questions concerning if there was actual penetration. Penetration? That was the first thing I said. The medical guy said when I came in my belt had been cut and my pants were down. I didn't feel any pain...but the thought was still there. Had he? To be honest my body was nothing but painful. Not one spot was free from pain, my hair hurt. Well the questions began and they tried to piece together what had happened. I didn't have any alcohol in my system, no drugs, I didn't owe anyone money. Why did this happen? They didn't believe me when I said all I did was roll my sleeping bag out.

Well when the Company Commander got the paperwork back from the NCIS folk he showed me what V had said. When asked why he did this he simply replied... "Because he is white."

Monday, December 12, 2011

Honky Tonks...

Guitars, drums, and bonjos,
these are the tools of the shows.
Singing and dancing,
these are the games.

Pat Green, George Strait,
Chris Ledoux,
these are the famous, these are the few.
Who sing and who show,
for those who love to know,
how to have good time.

No drugs, no drama,
listening to the songs from Alabama.
In your favorite blue jeans,
button down shirt that's tight,
going out on a Friday night.
She is dressed to impress,
looking at her can cause a mess.

Hair pulled back,
or in a bun.
She is going out with you,
she will make the night fun!

You meet with your friends,
you meet with your family.
This place looks quite dandy,
with guitars playing.
The drums are blasting,
you wish the song would be everlasting.

You look at her,
she looks at you.
There is no one else,
but you two.

Two-step, square dance,
country swing, hear the voices sing.
Take me out, love me all night,
8 second ride,
there is no reason to hide.

The dance floor is wood,
you are in the mood.
Have some fun,
the night has just begun.

Shoot some pool,
looking at her you can't help but drool.
She makes you both look good,
in her tight jeans,
her hair flowing all around.

You dance slow,
you dance fast.
Forgetting about the past.
For tonight is all that matters.

Guitars play, drums make the beat,
banjos pick, the voices ring.
Oh my, she likes when I sing...

Twirl her around, pick her up,
you go to get another cup.
Another guy approaches,
asks her to dance.
Her face looks happy,
but her mouth is snappy.

She points at you,
he looks like a fool.
Because she doesn't want that man,
to touch her hand.
He walks away as you approach,
is he really wearing a broach?
What a gool,
I am looking cool.

It's Friday night and she came with you,
there is nothing that matters but you two.

The guitars are playing, the voices are singing.
The banjos pick, and your boots kick.
These are the nights that will make you happy...

Thursday, December 8, 2011

High Maintenance

This is a poem dedicated to all the high maintenance men and women...

You are so high maintenance,
constantly testing my patience.
Crying all the time,
only to stop to whine.
You need so much,
you give so little.

You dress so fine,
never on time to any event.
Refuse to go camping,
because it's in a tent.
Drinking the Scotch,
that's only top notch.
To yack it all up,
in my semi-fancy get up.

Before I leave,
before I go.
You make me stop to talk,
something serious?
I think not,
it's merely to stroke your ego.
Because you are so weak,
you are so fake.
It seems to me,
all you do is take.

Do you give me anything?
Sure, your company...
Your body...
Your time...
All that is fine,
if you are a door knob.
You are really just an expensive slob.
You spend my money,
you take my time.
Not to give me a single dime.

I can't get better,
I can't win.
To leave you would be considered a sin?
You're the best thing that happened to me?
I'm more interested in the water on my knee.
You bore me,
you annoy me.
You're so vain,
it drives me insane.

Take your ego, take you clothes,
because it is me that knows.
Inside you are child,
with an future so mild.
You need someone to take care of your needs,
cover up your dirty deeds.

You don't have a job,
you don't have class.
You think you rate your sass.
Yea, you're gorgeous, yea you're the pass.
But're a pain in the ass.
You akin to a pimple,
but you think you're cute like a dimple.
Eventually you will pop,
your ass will flop.

Your skin will wrinkle,
your eyes will cease to twinkle.
You haven't a brain,
through education trained.
You are a money pit,
who really is a piece of shit.

I'm done with you.
I'm done with your canvass face.
Yes, you I can replace.
I am better than this,
I am too good for that.
Oh yea, you don't look sexy in my hat.

Give me my shirt,
the thought of you in it makes my head hurt.
Don't sit on my lap,
you're a financial trap.
I'm not going to feed your ego,
I'm not going to tell you that you are the best,
it is you that can't pass the test.
Because you are so fake,
you are so spineless.
Why did I ever call you "your highness"?

I'm going with a mate that is great,
they are fun, they are smart.
They know how to get things to start.
Their life, their job, their class, their sophistication,
I wonder if she wants to go on vacation?
We could go see the sites,
climb to new heights.
See the world,
float on the sea.
Now he, she is the one for me!

They aren't high maintenance,
being away is the only test to my patience.
Laughing all the time,
oh my gosh, the paid the dime!
She unlocked my door!
She laughed at my joke!
Scoffed at my tent,
drinks cheap whiskey at the bars,
will only camp under the stars.

Does get dressed up in the LBD,
only because it will be removed by me.
Throw it on the floor,
or hang it on the door.
It doesn't matter where,
because its a cheapy from Claire's.
She's had a rough day,
but to my dismay she doesn't ask for the world to stop.
She doesn't take my card to shop.

Those of high maintenance,
who test my patience.
Don't leave just yet,
for more words you get.
You waste my time,
you aren't worth my dime.
You smell, you lie, you begin to cry when you don't get your way,
tomorrow is my day.
You have become a bore,
with your lack of class,
Go to the door,
don't let it touch your nasty ass.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Life on the block...

I walk through the street of garbage and stank,
on my chest I wear a rank.
A rifle loaded,
a mind set to kill.
In this arena I find the thrill,
the thrill of the hunt.
The feelings of fear, loneliness,
fatigue, and wonder.

I do shunt,
to let flow from my body.
For those are naughty,
I am strong, my endurance is long.
While my friends back home do nothing but plunder,
they waste their lives in drama and beer.
Sleeping with the girl,
while others cheer.

I fight the good fight,
I fight through the night.
I wake up and start over again,
back into the heart of the wolves den.
To walk the streets of depression and despair.
I sit in whole,
about to allow the escape of the bearded man's soul.

I see through the lens,
as his life ends.
To go home and pretend its okey,
to dream about being happy one day.
To be rid of this life,
to be free and clean.
For this isn't life, life being mean.

Don't let the pain get you down,
for that bitch is a clown.
She thinks she has won,
for now you are gone.
She is free, she clear,
for your voice she doesn't have to hear.

To share a bed,
to kiss her on her head.
That's the life you want?
To have him their,
to have him near.
For it is him who makes things clear,
he is the hero, she is the villain.

Sitting on the porch drinkin' beer and chillin'
That's the life you want?
Back on the block?
Life of dreams you do hawk?
For I walk the street,
the plane and so meek?
Or do I follow road,
to all things unknown?
To accept adventure,
to face the danger.
Being rejected,
having my heart neglected.

To be torn apart,
by some flouzy tart.
That' the point of it,
to live it, to love it, to be a part of it.
I walk through the street of garbage and stank,
on my chest I wear a rank.
With rifle in my hand,
like a part of a band.
Looking for bounty,
looking to fight.
Looking to make things right.

I am wild at heart,
the adventure of life for has done more than start.
I belong outside,
while you and the others hide.
Behind your achievements,
behind your front.
For it is life that I hunt.
I take my chances,
in life's dances.

No one knows and never will,
what it is like to climb my hill.
To see the top,
around it I do hop.
Because I left the block,
I didn't use the rock.
I wanted more,
to get away from the whore,
that is mediocrity.

That is a life only validated by social status,
because for me, I won't put living on hiatus.
Take your degree, take you bolstered salary,
indulge in those expensive calories.
Live behind your mask,
don't accept the task.

Don't share in my adventure,
making him or her the obstacle to conquer.
Get bored, get tired,
leave the wife and the kids you sired.
Because it is someone else you desired,
you don't have a battle, you don't have a fight.
You live your life through cowardice and fright.
For I walk through the street of garbage and stank,
I have earned the thing on my chest known as rank.

Watch me...

You tell me I'm too short,
you told me I was fat.
You said I couldn't do this,
you wagered I wouldn't do that.
You said I was too slow,
too stupid, too dumb.
You laughed at how fast I couldn't run.
You said I wasn't good enough,
you said I was a dweeb.
You said I should just end my life,
for it suits the worlds need.

I didn't belong,
because my religion was wrong.
You said said I wasn't man enough,
you said I was a wimp.
You said the thought of my presence made your body go limp,
the mere thought of my affection, was root of your infection,
the gag, the gross, the all encompassing eww,
I was a fool to think I had a chance with you.

Now they all are living their lives,
busy busy like bees in hive.
Taking care of their kids,
replacing the lids on their garbage cans on the street.
Their dreams washed away,
like that stain they thought would stay.
Wondering what it is like to live,
doing nothing but give.
To their children, to others lives.

They no not what its like to fight for someone else's life,
to really know what it means to be in strife.
They told me I was weak,
they told me I was dumb.
Big things to me would never come.
They said I wouldn't do it,
they said I couldn't do it.
Live a life of excitement and danger,
to share a life with a complete stranger.
To see the sunset on the Siwa desert,
to swim in the canals of Venice.
Smell the old stone and incense of the Sistine,
to see jungles so pristine.

To hold a life in your hands,
and watch it fade away.
That was one day, they said would never happen.
Because I was too slow, too short,
not good enough for their sport.
I would never have the chance,
to ask you to dance.
Because I wasn't cool,
I acted like a fool,
My religion was wrong,
I didn't like the popular song.

Now I live a life of adventure,
full of journeys and discovery.
Live a life after recovery,
from the injuries you gave.
By the reputation you had to save.
You look at me with those eyes of guilt,
for its your soul that will wilt.
You told me I couldn't do it,
you believed I didn't have the nuts to do it.
I would never stack up,
the points would never rack up.
Because I wasn't good enough,
because I wasn't part of the club.

Derogatory names for me you did dub,
like smalliams, dwarf, fugly, and dweeb.
That's fine. Believe what you want,
for in your dreams you haunt.
By the life you don't have,
by the things you won't be.
Then you will look at me,
you will say, but he was too slow.
He was too short,
he didn't stand a chance.
I wish he would ask me to dance,
I want him to ask me out.

For now he has the clout,
he may still be short,
he is really good at the sport.
He is actually smart,
he has a great heart.
I see that he could,
even though I didn't think he would.
For I am stuck in my house,
like a minuscule mouse.
Playing the game,
that my my life is to blame.

All the adventure,
all the experiences.
Yet, I am stuck behind these fences,
of my own ignorance.
He told me " Really?"
I said yes.
You are too short, too slow, too fat, and too dumb,
nothing good in life for you will come.
You may believe it is true,
but I will not wear that shoe.

I won't put that on my heart,
for my life has done more than start.
I have lived a life of danger,
to know me now is to forget the stranger.
For I am about to start another adventure.
For those who tell me I can't,
for those who tell me I won't.

The ones that say I'm too fat, too slow, too dumb,
and nothing good in my life will come.
The ones that I don't stand a chance,
to be included in this dance.
For I am a dweeb,
for I am not cool.
Because over you,
is thought that I drool.
You think you are better than me,
because you think that my time is free.
All I have to say to you is this......

Watch me.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


So, like many other days today has been another eye opener.

I'm not a fan of holidays. I don't care for Thanksgiving even though I am a very thankful person. I have been through so much and have lost so many things I need to be thankful for what I have. I don't really know why I have such a strong disdain for this day but I just can't seem to get excited about it. Sure the food is great and being around family is great but I just don't get excited about it. I am not a fan of Christmas either. This just makes me look like a total ass hole doesn't it? With Christmas it's mostly music and the front that many people put on just because "it's the season" if you are a jerk 364 days out of the year why change for one day? Consistency people consistency...

This is wrong though. I should be excited for these things. I come off as quite the curmudgeon and that isn't me. My brother Jim and I talked about it today before the run. He told me that he too hated the holidays for quite some time. (pause)

Jim has been a role-model/older brother to me. He has been there to talk to me about life and what has been causing me pain. He and I have a similar background in the upbringing and life choices realm. He was one of few friends that came to see me when I got home from Iraq the first time and sensed that I wasn't alright. He has sat and listened to me talk about what was going on without judgement. I have cried around him, I have been down around him. He is the guy I call to go somewhere to get away and just let things out. We went camping this summer and we were able to get somethings off our chests. It was awesome...

(game on) He was telling me that what I am feeling is pretty natural for a guy who has been through the things I have been through. See those days have been just days for me. There is nothing more lonely then a Christmas away from home. Especially when you are sitting in a hole in the middle of a country where no one wants you around. Christmas sucks when instead of hoping to get some good stuff from family, friends, lovers..etc. You are hoping to make it back to the COP under your own power. Yea... Just know its another shitty feeling when you can't eat a Christmas dinner because there isn't enough food to go around and the other were eating while you were trying not to get hit. Anyway enough of that stuff. It just kind of becomes another day of disappointment. Well he told me that he found joy in watching his kids on those days. They get excited about the food on turkey day. They get excited about the events that surround the Christmas season. He looks forward to that. Thinking about that has kind of made me want to find something about this season to be excited about. I was thinking about this on the drive back to my house in Salt Lake. I would love to find a family in need or someone who is in worse shape then the norm and make them feel loved. I would love to just show up with presents and food and just tell them that they are loved. That is something I can do. I can do that and not expect anything from it. I will have to wait until I actually make some sort of money haha! That is the stuff that makes me come alive. I wouldn't tell anyone about it, I would just go off for a little bit and do it. As I sat and watched the kids this evening I could see why he is the way he is. They were happy and care free.

I think about my family and how we interact. It sure is something that is solely a "our family" thing. I know that there are many families similar to mine but they aren't my family. I have been through so much just being around them. A lot of disappointment, a lot of happiness, a lot of accountability as well. It has been pretty interesting to say the least. I can honestly say a lot of the reasons I have done so well with all the shit I have been through is because of them. I have some amazing friends as well. They range from professional athletes to teachers and businessmen. They have played a huge roll in my life. A lot of the reasons I have taken the steps necessary to deal with my issues is because of them. They know me very well, they know when I am hurting and pretending everything is ok. They will call me out and make me talk about it and justify my beliefs.

I may think that my life is kind of a pot of nasty stew right now but its not. I'm not a drunk and violent ass hole. I'm not dependent on medications to make it out the door in the morning. I am able to buy guns because I'm not felon nor a wife beater. I have good relationships with my friends and family. I am on my way to graduating from a very good school and starting a semi-regular and very honorable career. I am starting to come alive again! Maybe that is what I need to focus on to get started liking the holidays again. Who knows...

Open the eyes of my heart...

They run around laughing and playing,
without a care in the world.
Eyes wide open and arms flailing about,
with happiness and eagerness they begin to shout.
Games over here, puzzles over there,
there is a tone of joy buzzing in the air.
There is something to be done,
all they want is to have fun.
The innocence still present,
the world is left unknown,
for later in life it will be shown.
There are so many things they don't need to see,
so many things they need to be kept free.
We protect them, we teach them,
from the evils of the world, to be right
and to be pure.
For if they remain that way,
success is for sure.
Give them their masculinity,
teach them to find their heart.
Tell her she is beautiful,
lovely and smart.
That's what they need for a good start.
To begin the fight,
in this world at war.
For they will join it upon going out the door.
The sins of the Father are sure to be felt,
by the pain that the boy has been dealt.
The daughter will wonder if she is good enough,
to be able to make it in a world that is tough.
They will be strong, they will be good.
They have the tools,
to fight away the fools.
To be great, that is their fate.

Monday, November 21, 2011

There is a lot to be said about a swimmer. I have never been a competitive swimmer nor have I really been a great swimmer. I have been swimming a lot lately and I have grown to love it dearly. There is just something about feeling the water flow across my body as I swim through the aquatic abyss that is either a pool, large lake, or the Mediterranean. I can't really describe it...

It encompasses my body like a warm hug from a loved one,
it takes me for a ride.
I feel the power of my body as I pull through the waves,
sneaking breath every few strokes.
I feel the strength growing and my body moving.
The silence found in the solidarity of the swim is almost hypnotizing,
I face the fear of capsizing.
To altogether stop moving and sinking,
is not what I'm even coming close to thinking.
As with life, you move one stroke at a time like you live one day at time.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I want to fight...

I want to fight for you,
I want to show that I am true.
I want to walk with you,
I want to be one with you.
I will share my strength with you,
and share what the world with you.
I am a wolf and I am a sheep,
for I am victim of the wounds for which I weep.
My own pride, from which I hide behind,
is my own battle.
If you shake me, you will see that a rattle,
I am weak, I am meek.
Of these fears is what I speak,
No one knows, and never will.
Will join me at the top of the hill?
I want to fight for you,
I want to show that I am true.
All these things I want to do for you.

Come into my life and free me of these burdens,
I have grown weary and need rest.
For so long I have been put to the test,
a test, a fight, a competition of might.
I cannot win on my own, for the strength of mine has flown.
Like a bird in the sky, it has spread its wings and and climbed so high.
I've given my heart away, how long will it be away?
I don't know. I can see it, I can feel it. It's so close but I can't reach.
What is it you are trying to teach?
To let go? To hold on? To be patient? To fight?
I want to see your light.
For you I want to fight.
To show that I am true.
In all the things I do.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A man walks along the tree line thinking about life.
He see's the forest, he can smell the trees.
He touches the dirt, brushes it off of his knees.
He longs for answers to the questions in his mind,
he thinks of the things he has left behind.
The women, the money, the constant battle within,
it is only now where his journey will begin.
He feels so lonely, he feels so hurt,
If they were to leave me, what would I do?
He continues his journey along the tree line.
He see's the peak ahead, so daunting and high
Can I do this?
I want to do this.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Masculinity and Posers...

So one thing I have noticed is that I don't let a lot of people get in close with me. I don't let people get inside and really learn a whole lot about me. All the girlfriends I have had, the people I call my close friends...are close but not really. People often think they know me, they think they know what makes me tick. Sadly, for the most part it isn't true. There are a few who do but they are so few and far between. This is due to me not trusting people. I don't trust people and I'm afraid of relationships. I'm afraid that they will get to know me and they will find out that I am not what I put out as persona.

I can't even write the truth...this is supposed to be my place to write how I feel and I can't even do it right now. I have been through a lot in my short life and I have a lot going for me. If you were to take all of it away what would I be? If you were to take away my walks through hell what would I be? If you were to take all of my "skills" what would I be? If you were to take all of my travels, all of me experiences away and put me in a box what would I be? If you were to take away the love I have given so many what would I be? Would I be an empty shell? Would I be a poser? This is something I struggle with. All of the experiences I have. All of "skills" I have and the amount of love and strength I can give can be taken away and it will leave me with what? I don't know. What I do know is that all of that doesn't encapsulate me. That doesn't define me if you will. What defines me, what makes me who I am is something that may take me quite a while to figure out. Or I could wake up tomorrow morning and have a good idea of what that is. This is something I will be exploring for a while to come. Honestly this has been coming for a long time. Now I am just convicted and I need to roger up to the call. I have been living under a front for quite some time.

Where does my masculinity come from? Where did I get the "you are a man, and you can do this" from? Did I get it from my father? Sadly, no. I don't know...

I would love to say that I have had some sort of intervention that stems from external circumstances but let's be honest... It's simply not the case. It's all on me and God. Yes, the way the things have played are on me. Or are they? See I'm really not the one in control. Whether or not you believe there is a higher power or not you really don't control much of anything. You can do everything right in your mind but somebody or something else will come along and trash it. For example; you raise a child in a loving home and he or she goes and commits murder. Or you are treating your significant other with love and respect and they become unfaithful. You don't control that. You don't control the selfish person who drinks a 5th of Maker's Mark and gets in their vehicle and plows into your front yard and destroys your house, your award winning rose bushes and squishes your pure bred poodle.

I have been pulling my masculinity from the things I have done. Being able to shoot a gun doesn't make you a man. Being able to throw a football doesn't make you a man. Getting a hooker on a lonely night doesn't make you a makes you disgusting. What makes you a man is really between you and whomever you call your higher being. If that higher being is you well then there you go... I guess. I can't do this on my own. I will never be truly happy until I decide to stop pulling my masculinity from the activities I indulge in. I won't find my true masculinity until I find my heart. I know I have one, I couldn't do the things I have done without one. I just need to find what makes it do what it does.

I am awake and I am aware. I am hurting and have been for some time. What causes that pain is something I will find out. I know that I am capable of being a loving person because I care. I know that I am a man because of the way I am choosing to take on this pain and to finally get rid of it. I know I have a heart somewhere that longs to be freed and allowed to be shared with others in a way never seen before. I don't need to find validation in other people they don't write my report card so to speak. I need to let myself be loved. I need to surrender my pain, my wounds and begin to heal. Until then I am keeping the true me from the people around me. Let's do this...


Where do I find validation? With whom do I find validation?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good...

So I am reading this book "Wild At Heart" and so far it has been very insightful. The author is pointing out a lot of feelings and concerns that I have as a "man." Or what I consider a man. We as the male gender grow up doing things we think are considered "manly" like play Cowboys and Indians. Which honestly I still like to play except its more like Cowboy and beautiful Indian Girl and I chase her around... Anyway, how do we as a society view men? They drink beer, chase women all over kingdom come, watch sports, and work. They bring home the bacon so to speak. That's all fine and dandy. If it came down to a list of things I can do that is manly it would go something like the following

Manly Activities:
Change a tire
Change the oil
Kill and prepare a deer/elk/ other large animal
Load/clean/shoot a gun...well.
Sleep with a woman
Fight with my fists
Throw a football
Lead others
Blow stuff up
Drink Beer
Make a damn fine dinner of meat and vegetables

Thats a decent list I guess. However, am I truly living? Or am I just passing time until the next thing in life comes around? I have been feeling this emptiness inside for sometime. I have always had a religious side to me. I may not be the best church go'er. I knowingly commit sins on a daily basis. I tend to pray when I am in need and that is really about it. I tend to pick battles that I know I will win instead of just going at it to see what happens. This needs to end. I need to start living again and living for the right reasons. I want to live for a deeper purpose than just to live. Proverbs 20;5 says that " The purposes of a man's heart is deeper than water..." I couldn't agree more.

I have been down a lot recently due to some "failures" in my life. The dating scene has been pretty rough but it has also been a ton of fun. In my past relationships I must confess I viewed the woman as the adventure. I thought that I needed to conquer them and all would be satisfied. Well when I ended up "conquering" or winning them over I found that I would get bored and just end it. For some reason I always thought there was something wrong with that train of thought. Well now I agree that it is totally the wrong way to think. When I beat something or I accomplish a set task I find that I move on and go the the next thing to beat or to accomplish. Instead of living through the experience just to get it done I need to live through the experience and actually live. I have been thinking a lot about my summer trips to distant locations and places rarely seen by others. I remember thinking how alive I was. I was uncaged and able to really open up. For example, when I was living in California a few friends took me to Pismo Beach where we camped out and just lived. My friend Laura really had to coerce me into going because I wasn't to thrilled with idea of going with people that I have never met. Well I reluctantly accepted the invitation and I left for the weekend. I was afraid they were going to see my real personality and not like it. So for a second I played the Marine card and stayed cold faced and closed off. When I saw that Laura wasn't happy with me or the situation I decided to just throw caution to the wind and to just live. I was free from my cage, I was open, I was able to explore my natural wild persona. I'm not saying "wild" as in crazy drunk violent ass hole fashion but the uncaged animal in the open. I was able really live and enjoy the creation that was around me. After returning to my apartment in Southern California I received a message from her and some others that were present. They all said that they saw a side of me that they never thought posible. They never saw me that happy and that open. They told me that they really enjoyed that side of me. I sit back and think of that time and all that comes to mind is a bird in flight. Just enjoying the flight. I remember being in Egypt and wanting to go out to the deserts and just being free. The most open ground in the world is the desert. There literally is nothing to cage you in or to hold you back from going anywhere. It is magnificent. We would go out for days and just explore and not have anything to keep us from moving. Again, my friends that were there with me saw a side of me that they had never seen or thought possible. I sang songs to my friend Gabby, I danced with my friend Tyler, and I explored the beaches of Matrouh with Wassam. I remember being in Thailand. We were looking for a place to eat, walking all over the place and asking about restaurants and diners. I was open and free.

I digress back to my writing about women. My focus has been on conquering her, winning her over, viewing her as the adventure. Only I would enjoy that, I was the only one who knew how it felt to explore. She never got to experience my feelings of climbing the mountain. She never got to experience the adventure. I need to shift my focus from her being the adventure to sharing the adventure with her. All of the travels I have done, all the great experiences I have had were amazing. I am very lucky to been able to do the things that I have done. However, the best part of those adventures was the fact that I shared the experience with other people. I said I was going to not only climb that mountain, not only am I going to see that Pyramid, not only am I going to go play soccer with Egyptian players, not only am I going to explore Venice. I am going to do it with you. We will conquer all of these things together, we will have that between the two of us. My focus is not conquering her. My focus is not winning her over. My focus will be on fighting to get her. My fight will be for her, not at her.

As for me, I am going to face my fears of being outed as a fake. I am not a fake. I know that I am a man of value. I am capable of being the man I need to be. I have a fascination with Lions. I love everything about them, their muscular bodies, their beautifully long haired mane, the intimidating growl, oh and just the way they walk. I am obsessed... Well it sounds corny but I view myself as lion. It's kind of an odd comparison but I do it. The lion protects his pride, the lion hunts when it pleases. It basically just lives the life of king. I don't agree with how the male lion eats before the female lion and the cubs but hey, they do what they want. The lion doesn't merely live to pass time. It lives to live. I'm not here to pass time, I am here to live and I am going to live.

I am looking forward to exploring my masculinity and finding my heart. I have been missing that for quite some time. Without my heart how can I expect to give some of it to someone? How do I truly live without it? Going back to my discussion of exploring and conquering on my own verses with others, that is the key piece. I wasn't looking to conquer someone I was looking to conquer with someone. I knew that I needed to be real to share with the ones I am close to and care for. By having the heart within me happy and healthy I am able to enjoy living. When I have my wild heart I am able to live wild at heart.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Yea that's tight you're outta sight! Your left, right, your left!

Hey PSG get buys one time!

So it is Veteran's day weekend and I am a veteran. Yay. This is a weekend of reflection and self actualization. I am kind of lost as to what I really want to do with my life right now. I know I want to be something awesome, I know I want to do something that will make me happy.

This has been a relatively interesting summer/fall/ winter for me. I have learned a lot about myself and other people. It's funny what you learn when you sit back and watch the forest for the trees.

I have lived my life in fashion that has kept me from doing a lot of stupid shit. I'm not a drug addict, I'm not a raging alcoholic and I sure as hell am not a violent ass hole. All of which seem to cover a majority of the people that have come from my background.

I have to be honest with myself though. I have a feeling of absence in my body. I feel like I am missing out on something great. It's not a woman... that is a fact. I'm not sure what it is.

I don't have much time left in this chapter of my life and to be honest I am excited and sad to see it go. I am excited because it means that I have met a very important gate in my set of life goals. I am excited because it means I can move on with my life and explore other ventures. I am sad because with me leaving this chapter I will leave behind some fantastic people and places. There are many things I wish had gone different but it has been a experience and as my dear friend Blake Bassett say's, "We are experience collectors"...truer words have yet to be spoken.

I am going to go and buy a book. It's called "Wild at Heart"... its a guide to the man's soul and the secret to his masculinity. I am also going to finish Hero Living by my Friend Rudy Reyes. Let's see what I can learn from them!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Had I known I was going to feel this way..I would have never jumped in the water.

So I have been single for a few months now. I know I wont be single for my entire life but some days I feel that I will never find someone who will be the right one for me. As for how I am feeling right now...well lets just say its been a shitty way of having to be reminded of why you don't mix business with pleasure...

Never again will I date someone that I work with. Never again will I play a game of having to be someone I'm not. I am a person of value, and my time is precious. They will have to earn my time and my affection...

Anyway, I knew it wasn't going to end well. I wish that it could have but then again I am older and wiser and I should have known better. I realize that I am being a dramatic about this and it happens all the time. I don't want to be the adult but I have to be.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

My conclusion

When this year is are out of my life.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My Dreams...

So I have been having this dream for a while, I want to buy a truck and an Air Stream trailer. I want to trave across America and see the sites that I haven't had the opportunity to do. I think it would be awesome. The truck wouldn't be anything special. Just a two seater with a radio and air conditioning. It would have to have a V-8 though. Like I said pretty simple. In the trailer would be a bed and kitchen with a bathroom and a bed. Possibly big enough for two people. I would have a piece of astro-turf big enough for a small table and one possibly two lawn chairs. On the side of the trailer would be a roll out awning. You know for shade and what not. I would go and drive for days and just stop and pull over where ever I decided was a good place to stop. I want to go through Joshua tree and all up the Pacific Coast highway. Then down south to the Appalachian trail. I would go all over the place! Maybe have a d dog with me. Possibly a woman who knows. Women aren't a top priority for me as is a truck and trailer. It would just be nice to share that with someone.

I also want a house on plot of land. I'm not talking about a massive house just a house that will hold me and whoever comfortably. Maybe have some horses and what not. That would be nice...

I want to go run on the Great Wall of China. That would be so awesome. I have yet to meet someone who has actually done that.

I want to be someone. I want to be the type of person people look to for advice on whatever they feel they need help with. I love helping people and watching them advance.

I wish I had a good singing voice. Because I know I would make an outstanding entertainer. I would write the songs that people could identify with and love. Plus my concerts would be something that people would travel days to come and see.

I want to be a skydiving Elvis impersonator. I don't know why, but I think it would be one of those things that would be just so unique.

I want to be a poet.

I dream of the day that I can say, "thats a life to be proud of."

I dream of the day that people can trust each other again. It saddens me to no end that a majority of people can't put trust in their fellow man.

I dream of one day being able to go to family in need and providing them the means to give their childChristmas they deserve.

I have so many dreams...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Sunday, October 16, 2011

My insecurities...and why they are pure bullshit.

So I'm going to go out on a limb here and just let it out. This is my area and I do what I want.

1. I feel as if I am not man enough...
Ok, let's think about this one. How am I not man enough? I earned the title of United States Marine, I have fought in a war... So that's not really a good example. I have been through more shitty situations then most people I know. Other than going to war, I have lived through watching loved ones send themselves to hell and back. I have dealt with addiction and have been clean for quite sometime. I have been able to shelf my pride on many occasions in order to make situations a lot easier for both myself and others. Adversity... I feel the difference between a man and some person who owns male genitalia is how they deal with adversity. I really don't know of any other way of dealing with it. I have to take it straight on and see what happens. Sometimes I lose and sometimes I win. Either way I end up better then how I was before. If I lose, I always come back and win...and smile. I have owned up to my fears and faced them on many occasions. I accept responsibility and I learn from my mistake.I can accept a situation for what it is.

2. Women won't find me desirable...
Yea, I don't understand this one. I have no problem getting dates. I have no problems when it comes to treating them the way they need to be treated. I just need to realize that it's not me. It's them. I am comfortable with who I am. I know that I have a lot to offer someone if they deserve it. Yes, I said it. If they deserve it. That's another problem. I need to realize that it's not a one way street. They need to be just as involved as I am. If they forget my name after talking to me for a couple of hours then they need to take a walk. Obviously they don't have taste. I know what the inside of the Sistine Chapel smells like. Don't even think that you can sit at the same table as me...

3. I will never be accepted...
Accepted to what? The "mainstream"? Who cares? Most people in this society are petty and ignorant...

4. People wont take me seriously...
Those who know me do, thats all that matters.

5. I'm not sociable...
Have I seen me at a bar/party/gathering? C'mon Seth...

6. I'm not what is considered "in"...
Ok, so I'm not jacked and tan. I won't die of a heart attack at 38 nor will I get skin cancer. Tough luck. I don't find house music appealing and I don't drink myself stupid every weeknight/weekend. Look who doesn't have to deal with drama that comes from talking to the wrong girl last night? Look who doesn't have to worry about his car getting keyed (anymore). Look who doesn't double over in pain whilst crawling to the bathroom to pee!

7. I haven't seen enough of the world...
See number 2...

Thats all I can really think about right now. I am going to take this week and some self reflection and return to this...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Whats going through my mind...

I need to move on. I need to get out of this place and learn from my mistakes.

Monday, October 3, 2011

So I have come to some conclusions about life. I will share them with you now...

Women are crazy.

Men are dumb.

I am awesome.

I have some awesome people in my life.

Doctors have no personality.

The VA sucks.

Westminster College is a hot bed of attractive young girls...

My Subaru isn't the least bit masculine but what the fuck do I have to prove?

I am not getting old, I am getting awesome.

Little kids are like monkeys.

Cougars are a funny breed.

I don't want to be a cop.

Anyway there is more to come but not right now.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


So I would love it if God would smile on me sometime soon. I need a new job, I want to start to move on with my life.

I just need to yell...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Weekend processing...

So I have been really excited for this weekend. My youngest cousin got married to a guy she has know her entire life basically and I was able to see family that I hadn't seen in a couple of years. It has been so much fun sharing in this momentous occasion with the the people that have been around forever!

It does make me think of a few things though. Like how just a few years ago I thought that I wasn't going to be able to see family ever again. People take life and special occasions for granted all the time. They live simply for the weekend and that's really about it. I understand that I don't have the same experiences as 99% people my age, but that's what makes this stuff so exciting. Organization is another thing I noticed...well the importance of it. It's crazy to be on the outside looking in on all of the working more like the not well lubricated grinding parts. To see the stress it causes isn't something to brag about either.

You also learn a lot about your family and how they seem to get along. You learn about how things were when they were younger and it makes sense of certain behaviors. It doesn't mean they are okay by any means it just kind of gives you a sense of what is going on.

I'm in no rush to get married by any measure whatsoever, but I do know that when the right one comes along I will definitely look forward to it. Weddings are one of those life events that can be a great thing in someones life. I have been close a couple of times but it just never felt right. The girl just didn't do it for me in the sense that I couldn't see myself being with them forever. I couldn't see myself wanting have to make sacrifices for them that would be life changing. That is what it's all about in my mind.

I like to think about the differences in my life versus others. I don't see them as better or worse, I just see them and appreciate. I don't think everyone should know what it is really like to fear for your own life. I don't feel that everyone should have to take another persons life to really appreciate what it means. I do know what those feelings are like and I know how it has affected me and others who have done so as well. That is a feeling that is common among us. It's also common that we volunteered to such acts. What I am getting at is that we all choose the direction in which our lives go. Some don't agree with me, but some do. The counter argument to that statement would be the religious one. God has a plan for us, which I totally agree with. However, if we choose not to follow it then we may get to deal with the consequences. I think my path is the one God has chosen for me. Why else would he have given me the tools to be as successful as I have been?

So many things are coming my way in the near future, let's see how I handle them...

Monday, August 29, 2011

Here we go again...

So here we go again. The dating scene...

You know I have never really had any trouble getting a date. I have never really had any trouble with women. That is until I came back to Utah. Granted I am not LDS, and I'm not rich. I have a few stikes against me due to my current situation. However, I don't see how they are all that bad.

Maybe I try to talk to much? I am a social creature. I like to talk with people, I like to go out and do fun things. I think that could be a bad habit? I don't know...

There are a few things that I look for. Obviously the first thing is the smile. I love a great smile, especially when I cause them. I find it most amusing to make someone laugh and feel relaxed. I love it!

I am a faithful person. I have to be, its just how I do things.

I actually do have a lot to offer someone. I am both brutally handsome and handy. I can fix most things and cook a great meal. Plus I am good at a few other things...

Whatever, dating sucks.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

So we begin again...

So we begin to look again.

This time I am letting someone else guide me...

This time I'm thinking more about me...

This time I keep it separate from the other life...

This time I stay true to myself...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Why am I trying to do this? It's not like I want it to go anywhere. Sure I made some mistakes, I should have listened from the start. It's not going to to be the same as it was before, even though I want it to be. Or do I?

I don't know. Grrrrrr! I just want this to be easy. However, I'm Seth and nothing is easy...ever. I spoke my peace, I understand why it happened.

I have other things to focus on but I can't. Yes I can. I know I can...

There is a future out there for me...somewhere.

I have a lot of opportunities coming down the pipe. I have an interview, I have a meet and greet. Hopefully that shows some sort of promise. I need to find something else.

I'm not confused. I am going to be fine.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Why I do what I do...

So it has come time for me to re-focus and check my azimuth. Why am I here?

I am getting and education so I can provide for myself and someday probably a family type thing. I want to become a professional something that does work for those in some sort of need. Whether it being someone who was unfairly treated or someone who just needs some sort of legal assistance. I want to use my knowledge and work ethic to help. I don't care for the big bucks, I don't really care about the social status either. Like I have stated before integrity is important to me. I feel that happiness to me isn't about belongings. It's about being able to look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day without being disgusted. If you do things the right way sometimes you don't get a big pay off. However, somebody somewhere will notice it and they will remember you.

I am becoming an officer because I want to lead warriors. I am becoming an officer because I know that I can make a difference to somebody somewhere. I am training others to become officers because I owe it to those who have gone before and have inspired me to do the same. I know that it's not about me. I know that I come last for almost everything. I also know that when the time comes that I can't put my soldiers before me is when I need to go. I want to do this because it has given me so much and I need to pay it forward.

I am going to be true to Seth. I am going to "do me" for a while. That means I will do what I need to in order to feel right. I'm not out to ruin anybodies day or whatever. I'm just no longer accountable to anyone but myself. Yes I know I can still get in trouble but I won't. I will treat people the way they should be treated and move on. I have a purpose and I have the inspiration. I will come out on top and no one will stop me.

I have been through hell.
I have been through paradise.
I have seen things destroyed and all things nice.
I have lived and I have loved.
I have been to the top of the mountain and above.
I have flown through the air.
I have floated on the sea.
All of this belongs to me.
No one knows how it feels.
All of my wounds will heal.
The pain, the sadness, the guilt,
have all been covered by a quilt.
To be uncovered and displayed,
for those to see what I have paid.
I am stronger, I am wiser.
I will get up higher.
I will be on top...

So here it is...

So do you know anyone who doesn't have a backbone? I do. I know plenty of them. They are the ones who constantly take the easy way out. They use the same excuse for most of their activities, "I just wanted to avoid confrontation" or "it's just easier for me." Well those people can kiss my ass. People need to learn to do things the hard way sometimes. You only become refined by going through the fire.

I pride myself in the fact that I do have a back bone and that I live my life with integrity. There are so many things that can be taken away from you, but that is the only thing you can give away. I will give you the shirt off my back, I will give you my last $20...but I will not give away my integrity. Which goes back to my original point, the spineless have no integrity. They can kiss my ass as well.

I have a great opportunity to grow this year. I am going to take it and I am going to become the best that I can. I am going to see the best in Utah. I am going to out perform my cohorts in every facet that I can possible. I'm going to kill with kindness as well. Because it's how it's going to be done.

I may have been knocked down hard but I have gotten back up. Now I'm coming to kick the shit out of you and walk away with a smile. You want to see's coming.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Out of this...

So out of this I have gained a new focus. I had to be brutally honest with myself as well. I have realized a few things.

I have an out. I have been trying to separate myself from the negativity and drama that has been surrounding me since the beginning of my time at school. It seemed to have been centered around a certain social group that I now have a good enough reason to keep at a professional level verses a social level. Also, with my previous situation I was always looked down upon for illegitimate reasons. I was unfairly judged and treated like a lesser person. So I have an out.

I can get back to being me. I don't have to buy anybody anything. I don't have to sit through stupid activities if I don't want to. I can be a little more picky as to who I help and who I don't. Plus I can cook for myself!!!

I started playing Kickball. Even though I just barely started, I find that the people I am around are on the same level as me. We all are around the same age!!! It's awesome. I can go out with them to the bar and I don't have to worry about someone thinking I'm only out for one thing. That's another thing, age does matter. It's not just a number, it is a whole maturity gap as well.

I have definitely become wiser as well. I know with even more authority what I am looking for.

I am second to only one.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I have been all over the world, I have been nowhere as well.
I have seen both heaven and have been dragged through hell.
I have the wisdom of a man many years my senior,
yet no matter what I do I can't seem to keep clear.
I will walk from this stronger and wiser,
and look for something that is much higher.
Something that wont go, something that wants to know.
Living my life and keeping my dream, isn't as easy as it may seem.
Love is fleeting, love is mean. With a new heart strong and clean,
I will take on the world and remain king.
I have looked through scope and have seen his face,
I have ended his life and feel no disgrace.
I watched the body fade away, on the dirty ground she did lay with the
screaming and commotion I ebb and flow just like the ocean.
The screams the cries, are strong enough to bring tears to the eyes.
I can see the future plain as day, the sky is heavy and has a shade of gray.
Small blue patch has caught my eye, that is happiness is the sky.
I will go for the blue, I will do it without you. I'm sorry...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

No title...

Please be gentile with me. I may have a hard outside but its not me...

Monday, August 1, 2011

Before I leave...

I am going on a trip tomorrow and I think it will be good for me. I have come to understand that is over. I really don't wish it was this way, I really wish I could have this year with her.

I know that in time I will feel better, I also know that I have friends and family around to talk to. I feel bad talking to them though, I feel like I am annoying them. I feel like they don't need me to come and ruin their day with my shit.

The truth is this: I am hurt.

I need to get away for a bit to clear my mind and refocus my direction. I am moving on and I will face the situations as they come. If I get a chance to talk to her about this thing I'm not going to beg to be taken back...I have to much self-respect for that. I simply want to know what happened.

Friday, July 29, 2011


I really don't know how to put into words what I am feeling right now. I turn to this blog to work things out. I know I will be ok though. I don't have or want to say anything bad about someone because that isn't my way. I don't know why it had to end like this, I don't know what I did. I thought I was doing everything right. I held her up so high and let her know how proud of her I am. I wanted to include her in many aspects of my life as I could. I care for her and I want her to be successful. I don't know what I did or what I didn't do.

I understand that people come and go, I understand that things can end. It was good while it was going, I worked so hard to be the man I thought she wanted me to be. I really don't know.

What I do know is that I am second only to one thing and no one compares to that Spirit. I know that I am a great guy and I know I am a great lover. I know that I am a good friend to those I am a friend to. I know that when I get knocked down I can get back up and dust myself off and come back. I'm not going to let this consume me. I'm not going to let this kill my life blood. I have been through to much to let it. I have seen death's face and slapped it. I have been through harder times and have been hurt worse. I always come out on top. Things may not work out for me like I want them to at first but eventually they do. I am a worker and a warrior, I fight the hard fights and emerge victorious.

I need to say this as well:
If you are reading this please don't respond with negativity. I am a man and I have class. I will not tolerate any sort of down talk towards her. As a man with class I will keep our dealings professional and mature. I may get mad and want an explanation but that may never come. I may be down, but I am not out.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.
A small bird will fall frozen dead from a bough
without ever feeling sorry for itself"
D.H. Lawrence

So what am I going to do? What I always do. Drive on.

Monday, April 4, 2011

So it has been a little bit since I have sat down to write. To be honest, I have no excuse for this inconsistency. It has been an interesting few months so far to say the very least...

My shoulder is feeling better; however, the strength and endurance isn't coming along as fast as I would like it but thats life I guess. I have been going back to the Vet's Center to talk out my issues. It has been very beneficial for me in the past and it will continue to be as I go on. The more I go in the more I realize that I am someone special. I have been through the worst life has to offer and I am a stronger person for it. I also have figured out that it is hard to give up my old ways of dealing with people. There is a huge difference between the people I am around now so I have to make constant adjustments. It's a lot like shooting, just because there isn't any wind at the 300m line doesn't mean there won't be at the 900m line. I have become more observant of others as well. Like the wind, they change with the day and temperature. Instead of affecting the flight path of the bullet, it changes the way they like to act towards others.

I am honestly chomping at the bit to get to LDAC and kick some ass. I know I have the tools to do well and I don't expect anything less of myself. This has been a long journey for me and I want to see it finished. My SMPCOA (Seth's Most Probable Course Of Action) is to go and just have a good time. I tend to do my best when I don't get hyped up about something and I keep a PMA. I just hope that the Mother's of America don't get to involved in the process and we can play some games. I miss them... not. That's another thing, I understand the methods and reasons behind the training I have been through but do I really have to keep getting these "one lecture fits all" talks? Whatever, I have been there and done that...I have the DD214 to prove it.

I don't really have much else to say other than I can't stand tool bags...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Woud it be to much to ask for you to say "thank you?"
Woud it be to much to ask for you to say "thank you?"