Hmmm...

So, like many other days today has been another eye opener.

I'm not a fan of holidays. I don't care for Thanksgiving even though I am a very thankful person. I have been through so much and have lost so many things I need to be thankful for what I have. I don't really know why I have such a strong disdain for this day but I just can't seem to get excited about it. Sure the food is great and being around family is great but I just don't get excited about it. I am not a fan of Christmas either. This just makes me look like a total ass hole doesn't it? With Christmas it's mostly music and the front that many people put on just because "it's the season" if you are a jerk 364 days out of the year why change for one day? Consistency people consistency...

This is wrong though. I should be excited for these things. I come off as quite the curmudgeon and that isn't me. My brother Jim and I talked about it today before the run. He told me that he too hated the holidays for quite some time. (pause)

Jim has been a role-model/older brother to me. He has been there to talk to me about life and what has been causing me pain. He and I have a similar background in the upbringing and life choices realm. He was one of few friends that came to see me when I got home from Iraq the first time and sensed that I wasn't alright. He has sat and listened to me talk about what was going on without judgement. I have cried around him, I have been down around him. He is the guy I call to go somewhere to get away and just let things out. We went camping this summer and we were able to get somethings off our chests. It was awesome...

(game on) He was telling me that what I am feeling is pretty natural for a guy who has been through the things I have been through. See those days have been just days for me. There is nothing more lonely then a Christmas away from home. Especially when you are sitting in a hole in the middle of a country where no one wants you around. Christmas sucks when instead of hoping to get some good stuff from family, friends, lovers..etc. You are hoping to make it back to the COP under your own power. Yea... Just know its another shitty feeling when you can't eat a Christmas dinner because there isn't enough food to go around and the other were eating while you were trying not to get hit. Anyway enough of that stuff. It just kind of becomes another day of disappointment. Well he told me that he found joy in watching his kids on those days. They get excited about the food on turkey day. They get excited about the events that surround the Christmas season. He looks forward to that. Thinking about that has kind of made me want to find something about this season to be excited about. I was thinking about this on the drive back to my house in Salt Lake. I would love to find a family in need or someone who is in worse shape then the norm and make them feel loved. I would love to just show up with presents and food and just tell them that they are loved. That is something I can do. I can do that and not expect anything from it. I will have to wait until I actually make some sort of money haha! That is the stuff that makes me come alive. I wouldn't tell anyone about it, I would just go off for a little bit and do it. As I sat and watched the kids this evening I could see why he is the way he is. They were happy and care free.

I think about my family and how we interact. It sure is something that is solely a "our family" thing. I know that there are many families similar to mine but they aren't my family. I have been through so much just being around them. A lot of disappointment, a lot of happiness, a lot of accountability as well. It has been pretty interesting to say the least. I can honestly say a lot of the reasons I have done so well with all the shit I have been through is because of them. I have some amazing friends as well. They range from professional athletes to teachers and businessmen. They have played a huge roll in my life. A lot of the reasons I have taken the steps necessary to deal with my issues is because of them. They know me very well, they know when I am hurting and pretending everything is ok. They will call me out and make me talk about it and justify my beliefs.

I may think that my life is kind of a pot of nasty stew right now but its not. I'm not a drunk and violent ass hole. I'm not dependent on medications to make it out the door in the morning. I am able to buy guns because I'm not felon nor a wife beater. I have good relationships with my friends and family. I am on my way to graduating from a very good school and starting a semi-regular and very honorable career. I am starting to come alive again! Maybe that is what I need to focus on to get started liking the holidays again. Who knows...

Open the eyes of my heart...

They run around laughing and playing,

without a care in the world.

Eyes wide open and arms flailing about,

with happiness and eagerness they begin to shout.

Games over here, puzzles over there,

there is a tone of joy buzzing in the air.

There is something to be done,

all they want is to have fun.

The innocence still present,

the world is left unknown,

for later in life it will be shown.

There are so many things they don't need to see,

so many things they need to be kept free.

We protect them, we teach them,

from the evils of the world, to be right

and to be pure.

For if they remain that way,

success is for sure.

Give them their masculinity,

teach them to find their heart.

Tell her she is beautiful,

lovely and smart.

That's what they need for a good start.

To begin the fight,

in this world at war.

For they will join it upon going out the door.

The sins of the Father are sure to be felt,

by the pain that the boy has been dealt.

The daughter will wonder if she is good enough,

to be able to make it in a world that is tough.

They will be strong, they will be good.

They have the tools,

to fight away the fools.

To be great, that is their fate.

There is a lot to be said about a swimmer. I have never been a competitive swimmer nor have I really been a great swimmer. I have been swimming a lot lately and I have grown to love it dearly. There is just something about feeling the water flow across my body as I swim through the aquatic abyss that is either a pool, large lake, or the Mediterranean. I can't really describe it...

It encompasses my body like a warm hug from a loved one,

it takes me for a ride.

I feel the power of my body as I pull through the waves,

sneaking breath every few strokes.

I feel the strength growing and my body moving.

The silence found in the solidarity of the swim is almost hypnotizing,

I face the fear of capsizing.

To altogether stop moving and sinking,

is not what I'm even coming close to thinking.

As with life, you move one stroke at a time like you live one day at time.

I want to fight...

I want to fight for you,

I want to show that I am true.

I want to walk with you,

I want to be one with you.

I will share my strength with you,

and share what the world with you.

I am a wolf and I am a sheep,

for I am victim of the wounds for which I weep.

My own pride, from which I hide behind,

is my own battle.

If you shake me, you will see that a rattle,

I am weak, I am meek.

Of these fears is what I speak,

No one knows, and never will.

Will join me at the top of the hill?

I want to fight for you,

I want to show that I am true.

All these things I want to do for you.

Come into my life and free me of these burdens,

I have grown weary and need rest.

For so long I have been put to the test,

a test, a fight, a competition of might.

I cannot win on my own, for the strength of mine has flown.

Like a bird in the sky, it has spread its wings and and climbed so high.

I've given my heart away, how long will it be away?

I don't know. I can see it, I can feel it. It's so close but I can't reach.

What is it you are trying to teach?

To let go? To hold on? To be patient? To fight?

I want to see your light.

For you I want to fight.

To show that I am true.

In all the things I do.

A man walks along the tree line thinking about life.

He see's the forest, he can smell the trees.

He touches the dirt, brushes it off of his knees.

He longs for answers to the questions in his mind,

he thinks of the things he has left behind.

The women, the money, the constant battle within,

it is only now where his journey will begin.

He feels so lonely, he feels so hurt,

If they were to leave me, what would I do?

He continues his journey along the tree line.

He see's the peak ahead, so daunting and high

Can I do this?

I want to do this.

Masculinity and Posers...

So one thing I have noticed is that I don't let a lot of people get in close with me. I don't let people get inside and really learn a whole lot about me. All the girlfriends I have had, the people I call my close friends...are close but not really. People often think they know me, they think they know what makes me tick. Sadly, for the most part it isn't true. There are a few who do but they are so few and far between. This is due to me not trusting people. I don't trust people and I'm afraid of relationships. I'm afraid that they will get to know me and they will find out that I am not what I put out as persona.

I can't even write the truth...this is supposed to be my place to write how I feel and I can't even do it right now. I have been through a lot in my short life and I have a lot going for me. If you were to take all of it away what would I be? If you were to take away my walks through hell what would I be? If you were to take all of my "skills" what would I be? If you were to take all of my travels, all of me experiences away and put me in a box what would I be? If you were to take away the love I have given so many what would I be? Would I be an empty shell? Would I be a poser? This is something I struggle with. All of the experiences I have. All of "skills" I have and the amount of love and strength I can give can be taken away and it will leave me with what? I don't know. What I do know is that all of that doesn't encapsulate me. That doesn't define me if you will. What defines me, what makes me who I am is something that may take me quite a while to figure out. Or I could wake up tomorrow morning and have a good idea of what that is. This is something I will be exploring for a while to come. Honestly this has been coming for a long time. Now I am just convicted and I need to roger up to the call. I have been living under a front for quite some time.

Where does my masculinity come from? Where did I get the "you are a man, and you can do this" from? Did I get it from my father? Sadly, no. I don't know...

I would love to say that I have had some sort of intervention that stems from external circumstances but let's be honest... It's simply not the case. It's all on me and God. Yes, the way the things have played are on me. Or are they? See I'm really not the one in control. Whether or not you believe there is a higher power or not you really don't control much of anything. You can do everything right in your mind but somebody or something else will come along and trash it. For example; you raise a child in a loving home and he or she goes and commits murder. Or you are treating your significant other with love and respect and they become unfaithful. You don't control that. You don't control the selfish person who drinks a 5th of Maker's Mark and gets in their vehicle and plows into your front yard and destroys your house, your award winning rose bushes and squishes your pure bred poodle.

I have been pulling my masculinity from the things I have done. Being able to shoot a gun doesn't make you a man. Being able to throw a football doesn't make you a man. Getting a hooker on a lonely night doesn't make you a man...it makes you disgusting. What makes you a man is really between you and whomever you call your higher being. If that higher being is you well then there you go... I guess. I can't do this on my own. I will never be truly happy until I decide to stop pulling my masculinity from the activities I indulge in. I won't find my true masculinity until I find my heart. I know I have one, I couldn't do the things I have done without one. I just need to find what makes it do what it does.

I am awake and I am aware. I am hurting and have been for some time. What causes that pain is something I will find out. I know that I am capable of being a loving person because I care. I know that I am a man because of the way I am choosing to take on this pain and to finally get rid of it. I know I have a heart somewhere that longs to be freed and allowed to be shared with others in a way never seen before. I don't need to find validation in other people they don't write my report card so to speak. I need to let myself be loved. I need to surrender my pain, my wounds and begin to heal. Until then I am keeping the true me from the people around me. Let's do this...

Validation.

Where do I find validation? With whom do I find validation?

Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good...

So I am reading this book "Wild At Heart" and so far it has been very insightful. The author is pointing out a lot of feelings and concerns that I have as a "man." Or what I consider a man. We as the male gender grow up doing things we think are considered "manly" like play Cowboys and Indians. Which honestly I still like to play except its more like Cowboy and beautiful Indian Girl and I chase her around... Anyway, how do we as a society view men? They drink beer, chase women all over kingdom come, watch sports, and work. They bring home the bacon so to speak. That's all fine and dandy. If it came down to a list of things I can do that is manly it would go something like the following

Manly Activities:

Change a tire

Change the oil

Kill and prepare a deer/elk/ other large animal

Hike

Camp

Load/clean/shoot a gun...well.

Sleep with a woman

Fight with my fists

wrestle

Throw a football

Lead others

Blow stuff up

Drink Beer

Make a damn fine dinner of meat and vegetables

etc...

Thats a decent list I guess. However, am I truly living? Or am I just passing time until the next thing in life comes around? I have been feeling this emptiness inside for sometime. I have always had a religious side to me. I may not be the best church go'er. I knowingly commit sins on a daily basis. I tend to pray when I am in need and that is really about it. I tend to pick battles that I know I will win instead of just going at it to see what happens. This needs to end. I need to start living again and living for the right reasons. I want to live for a deeper purpose than just to live. Proverbs 20;5 says that " The purposes of a man's heart is deeper than water..." I couldn't agree more.

I have been down a lot recently due to some "failures" in my life. The dating scene has been pretty rough but it has also been a ton of fun. In my past relationships I must confess I viewed the woman as the adventure. I thought that I needed to conquer them and all would be satisfied. Well when I ended up "conquering" or winning them over I found that I would get bored and just end it. For some reason I always thought there was something wrong with that train of thought. Well now I agree that it is totally the wrong way to think. When I beat something or I accomplish a set task I find that I move on and go the the next thing to beat or to accomplish. Instead of living through the experience just to get it done I need to live through the experience and actually live. I have been thinking a lot about my summer trips to distant locations and places rarely seen by others. I remember thinking how alive I was. I was uncaged and able to really open up. For example, when I was living in California a few friends took me to Pismo Beach where we camped out and just lived. My friend Laura really had to coerce me into going because I wasn't to thrilled with idea of going with people that I have never met. Well I reluctantly accepted the invitation and I left for the weekend. I was afraid they were going to see my real personality and not like it. So for a second I played the Marine card and stayed cold faced and closed off. When I saw that Laura wasn't happy with me or the situation I decided to just throw caution to the wind and to just live. I was free from my cage, I was open, I was able to explore my natural wild persona. I'm not saying "wild" as in crazy drunk violent ass hole fashion but the uncaged animal in the open. I was able really live and enjoy the creation that was around me. After returning to my apartment in Southern California I received a message from her and some others that were present. They all said that they saw a side of me that they never thought posible. They never saw me that happy and that open. They told me that they really enjoyed that side of me. I sit back and think of that time and all that comes to mind is a bird in flight. Just enjoying the flight. I remember being in Egypt and wanting to go out to the deserts and just being free. The most open ground in the world is the desert. There literally is nothing to cage you in or to hold you back from going anywhere. It is magnificent. We would go out for days and just explore and not have anything to keep us from moving. Again, my friends that were there with me saw a side of me that they had never seen or thought possible. I sang songs to my friend Gabby, I danced with my friend Tyler, and I explored the beaches of Matrouh with Wassam. I remember being in Thailand. We were looking for a place to eat, walking all over the place and asking about restaurants and diners. I was open and free.

I digress back to my writing about women. My focus has been on conquering her, winning her over, viewing her as the adventure. Only I would enjoy that, I was the only one who knew how it felt to explore. She never got to experience my feelings of climbing the mountain. She never got to experience the adventure. I need to shift my focus from her being the adventure to sharing the adventure with her. All of the travels I have done, all the great experiences I have had were amazing. I am very lucky to been able to do the things that I have done. However, the best part of those adventures was the fact that I shared the experience with other people. I said I was going to not only climb that mountain, not only am I going to see that Pyramid, not only am I going to go play soccer with Egyptian players, not only am I going to explore Venice. I am going to do it with you. We will conquer all of these things together, we will have that between the two of us. My focus is not conquering her. My focus is not winning her over. My focus will be on fighting to get her. My fight will be for her, not at her.

As for me, I am going to face my fears of being outed as a fake. I am not a fake. I know that I am a man of value. I am capable of being the man I need to be. I have a fascination with Lions. I love everything about them, their muscular bodies, their beautifully long haired mane, the intimidating growl, oh and just the way they walk. I am obsessed... Well it sounds corny but I view myself as lion. It's kind of an odd comparison but I do it. The lion protects his pride, the lion hunts when it pleases. It basically just lives the life of king. I don't agree with how the male lion eats before the female lion and the cubs but hey, they do what they want. The lion doesn't merely live to pass time. It lives to live. I'm not here to pass time, I am here to live and I am going to live.

I am looking forward to exploring my masculinity and finding my heart. I have been missing that for quite some time. Without my heart how can I expect to give some of it to someone? How do I truly live without it? Going back to my discussion of exploring and conquering on my own verses with others, that is the key piece. I wasn't looking to conquer someone I was looking to conquer with someone. I knew that I needed to be real to share with the ones I am close to and care for. By having the heart within me happy and healthy I am able to enjoy living. When I have my wild heart I am able to live wild at heart.

Yea that's tight you're outta sight! Your left, right, your left!

Hey PSG get buys one time!

So it is Veteran's day weekend and I am a veteran. Yay. This is a weekend of reflection and self actualization. I am kind of lost as to what I really want to do with my life right now. I know I want to be something awesome, I know I want to do something that will make me happy.

This has been a relatively interesting summer/fall/ winter for me. I have learned a lot about myself and other people. It's funny what you learn when you sit back and watch the forest for the trees.

I have lived my life in fashion that has kept me from doing a lot of stupid shit. I'm not a drug addict, I'm not a raging alcoholic and I sure as hell am not a violent ass hole. All of which seem to cover a majority of the people that have come from my background.

I have to be honest with myself though. I have a feeling of absence in my body. I feel like I am missing out on something great. It's not a woman... that is a fact. I'm not sure what it is.

I don't have much time left in this chapter of my life and to be honest I am excited and sad to see it go. I am excited because it means that I have met a very important gate in my set of life goals. I am excited because it means I can move on with my life and explore other ventures. I am sad because with me leaving this chapter I will leave behind some fantastic people and places. There are many things I wish had gone different but it has been a experience and as my dear friend Blake Bassett say's, "We are experience collectors"...truer words have yet to be spoken.

I am going to go and buy a book. It's called "Wild at Heart"... its a guide to the man's soul and the secret to his masculinity. I am also going to finish Hero Living by my Friend Rudy Reyes. Let's see what I can learn from them!

Had I known I was going to feel this way..I would have never jumped in the water.

So I have been single for a few months now. I know I wont be single for my entire life but some days I feel that I will never find someone who will be the right one for me. As for how I am feeling right now...well lets just say its been a shitty way of having to be reminded of why you don't mix business with pleasure...

Never again will I date someone that I work with. Never again will I play a game of having to be someone I'm not. I am a person of value, and my time is precious. They will have to earn my time and my affection...

Anyway, I knew it wasn't going to end well. I wish that it could have but then again I am older and wiser and I should have known better. I realize that I am being a dramatic about this and it happens all the time. I don't want to be the adult but I have to be.

My conclusion

When this year is over...you are out of my life.