Thursday, November 24, 2011


So, like many other days today has been another eye opener.

I'm not a fan of holidays. I don't care for Thanksgiving even though I am a very thankful person. I have been through so much and have lost so many things I need to be thankful for what I have. I don't really know why I have such a strong disdain for this day but I just can't seem to get excited about it. Sure the food is great and being around family is great but I just don't get excited about it. I am not a fan of Christmas either. This just makes me look like a total ass hole doesn't it? With Christmas it's mostly music and the front that many people put on just because "it's the season" if you are a jerk 364 days out of the year why change for one day? Consistency people consistency...

This is wrong though. I should be excited for these things. I come off as quite the curmudgeon and that isn't me. My brother Jim and I talked about it today before the run. He told me that he too hated the holidays for quite some time. (pause)

Jim has been a role-model/older brother to me. He has been there to talk to me about life and what has been causing me pain. He and I have a similar background in the upbringing and life choices realm. He was one of few friends that came to see me when I got home from Iraq the first time and sensed that I wasn't alright. He has sat and listened to me talk about what was going on without judgement. I have cried around him, I have been down around him. He is the guy I call to go somewhere to get away and just let things out. We went camping this summer and we were able to get somethings off our chests. It was awesome...

(game on) He was telling me that what I am feeling is pretty natural for a guy who has been through the things I have been through. See those days have been just days for me. There is nothing more lonely then a Christmas away from home. Especially when you are sitting in a hole in the middle of a country where no one wants you around. Christmas sucks when instead of hoping to get some good stuff from family, friends, lovers..etc. You are hoping to make it back to the COP under your own power. Yea... Just know its another shitty feeling when you can't eat a Christmas dinner because there isn't enough food to go around and the other were eating while you were trying not to get hit. Anyway enough of that stuff. It just kind of becomes another day of disappointment. Well he told me that he found joy in watching his kids on those days. They get excited about the food on turkey day. They get excited about the events that surround the Christmas season. He looks forward to that. Thinking about that has kind of made me want to find something about this season to be excited about. I was thinking about this on the drive back to my house in Salt Lake. I would love to find a family in need or someone who is in worse shape then the norm and make them feel loved. I would love to just show up with presents and food and just tell them that they are loved. That is something I can do. I can do that and not expect anything from it. I will have to wait until I actually make some sort of money haha! That is the stuff that makes me come alive. I wouldn't tell anyone about it, I would just go off for a little bit and do it. As I sat and watched the kids this evening I could see why he is the way he is. They were happy and care free.

I think about my family and how we interact. It sure is something that is solely a "our family" thing. I know that there are many families similar to mine but they aren't my family. I have been through so much just being around them. A lot of disappointment, a lot of happiness, a lot of accountability as well. It has been pretty interesting to say the least. I can honestly say a lot of the reasons I have done so well with all the shit I have been through is because of them. I have some amazing friends as well. They range from professional athletes to teachers and businessmen. They have played a huge roll in my life. A lot of the reasons I have taken the steps necessary to deal with my issues is because of them. They know me very well, they know when I am hurting and pretending everything is ok. They will call me out and make me talk about it and justify my beliefs.

I may think that my life is kind of a pot of nasty stew right now but its not. I'm not a drunk and violent ass hole. I'm not dependent on medications to make it out the door in the morning. I am able to buy guns because I'm not felon nor a wife beater. I have good relationships with my friends and family. I am on my way to graduating from a very good school and starting a semi-regular and very honorable career. I am starting to come alive again! Maybe that is what I need to focus on to get started liking the holidays again. Who knows...

Open the eyes of my heart...

They run around laughing and playing,
without a care in the world.
Eyes wide open and arms flailing about,
with happiness and eagerness they begin to shout.
Games over here, puzzles over there,
there is a tone of joy buzzing in the air.
There is something to be done,
all they want is to have fun.
The innocence still present,
the world is left unknown,
for later in life it will be shown.
There are so many things they don't need to see,
so many things they need to be kept free.
We protect them, we teach them,
from the evils of the world, to be right
and to be pure.
For if they remain that way,
success is for sure.
Give them their masculinity,
teach them to find their heart.
Tell her she is beautiful,
lovely and smart.
That's what they need for a good start.
To begin the fight,
in this world at war.
For they will join it upon going out the door.
The sins of the Father are sure to be felt,
by the pain that the boy has been dealt.
The daughter will wonder if she is good enough,
to be able to make it in a world that is tough.
They will be strong, they will be good.
They have the tools,
to fight away the fools.
To be great, that is their fate.

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