Change a tire
Change the oil
Kill and prepare a deer/elk/ other large animal
Load/clean/shoot a gun...well.
Sleep with a woman
Fight with my fists
Throw a football
Blow stuff up
Make a damn fine dinner of meat and vegetables
Thats a decent list I guess. However, am I truly living? Or am I just passing time until the next thing in life comes around? I have been feeling this emptiness inside for sometime. I have always had a religious side to me. I may not be the best church go'er. I knowingly commit sins on a daily basis. I tend to pray when I am in need and that is really about it. I tend to pick battles that I know I will win instead of just going at it to see what happens. This needs to end. I need to start living again and living for the right reasons. I want to live for a deeper purpose than just to live. Proverbs 20;5 says that " The purposes of a man's heart is deeper than water..." I couldn't agree more.
I have been down a lot recently due to some "failures" in my life. The dating scene has been pretty rough but it has also been a ton of fun. In my past relationships I must confess I viewed the woman as the adventure. I thought that I needed to conquer them and all would be satisfied. Well when I ended up "conquering" or winning them over I found that I would get bored and just end it. For some reason I always thought there was something wrong with that train of thought. Well now I agree that it is totally the wrong way to think. When I beat something or I accomplish a set task I find that I move on and go the the next thing to beat or to accomplish. Instead of living through the experience just to get it done I need to live through the experience and actually live. I have been thinking a lot about my summer trips to distant locations and places rarely seen by others. I remember thinking how alive I was. I was uncaged and able to really open up. For example, when I was living in California a few friends took me to Pismo Beach where we camped out and just lived. My friend Laura really had to coerce me into going because I wasn't to thrilled with idea of going with people that I have never met. Well I reluctantly accepted the invitation and I left for the weekend. I was afraid they were going to see my real personality and not like it. So for a second I played the Marine card and stayed cold faced and closed off. When I saw that Laura wasn't happy with me or the situation I decided to just throw caution to the wind and to just live. I was free from my cage, I was open, I was able to explore my natural wild persona. I'm not saying "wild" as in crazy drunk violent ass hole fashion but the uncaged animal in the open. I was able really live and enjoy the creation that was around me. After returning to my apartment in Southern California I received a message from her and some others that were present. They all said that they saw a side of me that they never thought posible. They never saw me that happy and that open. They told me that they really enjoyed that side of me. I sit back and think of that time and all that comes to mind is a bird in flight. Just enjoying the flight. I remember being in Egypt and wanting to go out to the deserts and just being free. The most open ground in the world is the desert. There literally is nothing to cage you in or to hold you back from going anywhere. It is magnificent. We would go out for days and just explore and not have anything to keep us from moving. Again, my friends that were there with me saw a side of me that they had never seen or thought possible. I sang songs to my friend Gabby, I danced with my friend Tyler, and I explored the beaches of Matrouh with Wassam. I remember being in Thailand. We were looking for a place to eat, walking all over the place and asking about restaurants and diners. I was open and free.
I digress back to my writing about women. My focus has been on conquering her, winning her over, viewing her as the adventure. Only I would enjoy that, I was the only one who knew how it felt to explore. She never got to experience my feelings of climbing the mountain. She never got to experience the adventure. I need to shift my focus from her being the adventure to sharing the adventure with her. All of the travels I have done, all the great experiences I have had were amazing. I am very lucky to been able to do the things that I have done. However, the best part of those adventures was the fact that I shared the experience with other people. I said I was going to not only climb that mountain, not only am I going to see that Pyramid, not only am I going to go play soccer with Egyptian players, not only am I going to explore Venice. I am going to do it with you. We will conquer all of these things together, we will have that between the two of us. My focus is not conquering her. My focus is not winning her over. My focus will be on fighting to get her. My fight will be for her, not at her.
As for me, I am going to face my fears of being outed as a fake. I am not a fake. I know that I am a man of value. I am capable of being the man I need to be. I have a fascination with Lions. I love everything about them, their muscular bodies, their beautifully long haired mane, the intimidating growl, oh and just the way they walk. I am obsessed... Well it sounds corny but I view myself as lion. It's kind of an odd comparison but I do it. The lion protects his pride, the lion hunts when it pleases. It basically just lives the life of king. I don't agree with how the male lion eats before the female lion and the cubs but hey, they do what they want. The lion doesn't merely live to pass time. It lives to live. I'm not here to pass time, I am here to live and I am going to live.
I am looking forward to exploring my masculinity and finding my heart. I have been missing that for quite some time. Without my heart how can I expect to give some of it to someone? How do I truly live without it? Going back to my discussion of exploring and conquering on my own verses with others, that is the key piece. I wasn't looking to conquer someone I was looking to conquer with someone. I knew that I needed to be real to share with the ones I am close to and care for. By having the heart within me happy and healthy I am able to enjoy living. When I have my wild heart I am able to live wild at heart.