Another vent...

So while everyone else was enjoying turkey this Thanksgiving I was coked out of my mind. I hurt myself working out and now I am paying the consequences. My pushups have dropped dramatically and I can't even support myself on my right arm. I did get to see some dear friends of mine over the break and it was fun...from what I remember. So all I can do is wait on my arm to get better and hopefully not lose to much strength in my chest and shoulder.

I also was told something; and to be honest, it hurt my feelings. I'm not going to get into it to deep because it isn't true and not worth writing about. I will say this though, anyone who knows me and knows me well laugh at that statement. They wonder how that can even be thought of when it comes to me. When we go out, I'm always the first one to start talking to strangers, I am the first one to crack a joke. I usually have a smile on my face unless something is bugging me. I was just trying to be polite because I tend to become the life of the party.

I need to figure some things out about my life. What do I want to do with it? Where do I want to go? Will I ever be happy? Don't get me wrong I am happy right now just not satisfied. That I think will never happen. I have thought about the person I used to be and how hard I have had to work to change it. I did things the right way and almost got something dear to me taken away because of another situation which I had no control over.

I have been having the same dream over and over again, the burning trucks and the screaming people. Just without the lady telling me to keep smiling, I wish she was here to talk to me. The sites, the smells, the feelings are all there. Extremely vivid and repeating over and over again. The one young Pfc. who was rocking back and forth with her rifle muttering those words I will never forget, "He was smiling". I don't want them to go away because it reminds me of what's important and how fortunate I am to be here today.

I didn't get the "normal" childhood experience, but fuck it. That doesn't define me. I am the guy you wish more men would be like. Live my life, walk in my boots, sleep where I have slept, and do the things I have done. You think you know me? More than likely you do know me quite well and you know I am smiling as I write this.

Alright, I'm done. I'm going to go get a drink of water!

I just want you to know...

There is someone that I care deeply for. She makes me happy, she makes me smile. She is definitely one of the best things to enter my life. I wish this she could know how much she means to me. Just merely telling them isn't enough. I wish I was strong enough to really let her know just how I feel. I wish I could let my walls down around her more so I would smile. I don't know why I can't. I feel afraid.

She is much smarter than me, this person is all around just better than me. I wish I had the abilities of her. She is going to be very successful and very important one day. She is already important to me, she is definitely successful in my mind. I just hope she will keep me in her life in one fashion or another.

I will work on being stronger for her. I will try to let her know what she means to me.

To understand...

To understand what we do,

it may be fleeting for someone like you.

We go through hell, we go through fright,

we do it because we long for the fight.

I get up, wake up, look around,

and solace is never to be found.

I don't feel safe I don't feel calm,

yet you place your hand in my palm.

You tell me you are there,

you tell me that you care.

I truly wish you could know,

I wish that I didn't have these scars to show.

We cry for the fallen, we celebrate the standing,

even though for some they never see the angels landing.

We drink down the pain,

hoping for something to gain.

We leave the ones we love,

sometimes only to come back to the one above.

The cries at night only serve to ease,

for it is you I aim to please.

I come back strong yet I come back scared,

for I am the only one who dared.

They look at me like a fool,

even though it is them that is the tool.

I ask you to understand,

and you slowly grab my hand.

You tell me you are proud,

you tell me you are grateful.

I wonder if its true,

or if you say it just to be cool.

The battle home is lonely road,

sometimes you find someone to help with the load.

They have seen the things,

they have done the deeds,

They understand your needs.

You call them a brother,

you call them a friend.

You both know only the dead see the end.

People at school and work will never understand,

that's alright for you have chosen to lend a hand.

Everyday you look at the world through different eyes,

you find those who tend to despise.

You let them bug you for a bit,

you are looking for a chance to hit.

You figure it isn't worth it,

for they don't amount to shit.

You go to the one you love,

and take her and hold her tight.

She knows the soft side of you,

he knows the gentle hand you lay upon his chest.

Yet they will never see the rest.

They will never be in the dirt,

they can't begin to imagine the hurt.

That's okay its not for them,

we are the ones who know.

We are the ones that go.

You will never understand,

what it really means to lend a hand...