Another vent...

So while everyone else was enjoying turkey this Thanksgiving I was coked out of my mind. I hurt myself working out and now I am paying the consequences. My pushups have dropped dramatically and I can't even support myself on my right arm. I did get to see some dear friends of mine over the break and it was fun...from what I remember. So all I can do is wait on my arm to get better and hopefully not lose to much strength in my chest and shoulder.

I also was told something; and to be honest, it hurt my feelings. I'm not going to get into it to deep because it isn't true and not worth writing about. I will say this though, anyone who knows me and knows me well laugh at that statement. They wonder how that can even be thought of when it comes to me. When we go out, I'm always the first one to start talking to strangers, I am the first one to crack a joke. I usually have a smile on my face unless something is bugging me. I was just trying to be polite because I tend to become the life of the party.

I need to figure some things out about my life. What do I want to do with it? Where do I want to go? Will I ever be happy? Don't get me wrong I am happy right now just not satisfied. That I think will never happen. I have thought about the person I used to be and how hard I have had to work to change it. I did things the right way and almost got something dear to me taken away because of another situation which I had no control over.

I have been having the same dream over and over again, the burning trucks and the screaming people. Just without the lady telling me to keep smiling, I wish she was here to talk to me. The sites, the smells, the feelings are all there. Extremely vivid and repeating over and over again. The one young Pfc. who was rocking back and forth with her rifle muttering those words I will never forget, "He was smiling". I don't want them to go away because it reminds me of what's important and how fortunate I am to be here today.

I didn't get the "normal" childhood experience, but fuck it. That doesn't define me. I am the guy you wish more men would be like. Live my life, walk in my boots, sleep where I have slept, and do the things I have done. You think you know me? More than likely you do know me quite well and you know I am smiling as I write this.

Alright, I'm done. I'm going to go get a drink of water!