So I'm going to vent...

So, I was totally going to go off on how I hate women because they are all crazy and what not. I decided against it, it will leave me angry and bitter. I don't like to be angry or bitter. So instead, I'm going to say what I like about women, and what I look for in a girl as well. This will make me be in a good mood and the little obese Asian baby won't come and make fun of me in my sleep.

So lets just get it out there, I love to look at the feminine figure. Both clothed and unclothed. I have to be honest with myself, so if this offends you sorry. There is just something about the fit female body that baffles me. Its like an artist took extra care in sculpting it. I love the way they walk, I love the way they talk. I love it when a woman walks into a room and she has the "I'm here to kick some ass" look. The confidence that is found within just drives me up a wall. I love having a meaningful conversation with a woman, they usually make you see things from a different perspective. I love how they can be mad at you and curse you out while they do something else, it amazes me. It's like you are tearing me to peaces and cleaning the room at the same time, I can't do that shit. I love how I can be vulnerable around you when we are close enough and you won't take it as a sign of weakness and crush me. I love how with one look you can turn me from a hardened ass to a soft caring something or other. Even I feel the need to take off my armor every now and then. I love how you can go from pissed off at me and the world to happy and relaxed by something little like a flower made from construction paper. (It would more than likely just look like a wadded up peace of paper coming from me). I love it when you lay next to me and put your head on my chest and you hand in mine. I love it.

I could make a list on things I look for, but honestly I don't want too. I realize the whole love thing is a two way street, she has to feel the same way as I do. I'm not the typical guy, the life I have lived and have chosen to live isn't normal. I have some very good examples in my life and I want to take the lessons learned from them and put them to use. I have also seen a lot of not so good things come out of me and others which I will fight like hell to keep from doing.

I know it is just a matter of time, she will walk into my life and knock me off my feet. Until then, I will keep being the man I am.

Lessons learned...

So many of my friends know that I work in a therapeutic home for teenage boys. If you ever follow my status updates on Saturdays I either say I'm going to bury a few or I put up funny conversation that I have had at some point during the day. I for one will not be making a career for myself in this field. It is a very hard job, you can only hear so many stories of physical, sexual, mental abuse and neglect before it really starts to eat at you. Plus for me, it has made me Leary of ever having children. I know that fear is pretty unsubstantiated due to the fact that these kids only represent a very small population of children today. However, do my job and tell me different.

We have kids from all walks of life. We have had kids from very poor backgrounds to kids who come from homes where they have their own assistants at the age of 14. We have kids that have been abused to the point where it has left hideous scars all over their bodies to kids who were molested by people who were supposed to care for them. We have kids who go so far into the drug scene that they literally become a cancer to their own families and have torn them apart.

It has been both a very fun and very stressful job. i have learned a lot from these boys and if there was anyway to thank them i would do it 1000 times over. I can only hope that i have been a good example to these boys, even though I know I am no saint.

I like to think that I am a tough son of a bitch and that not much can get me. I don't like to admit when I'm hurt both physically and emotionally. I don't like to be vulnerable around people especially women and people I look up too. I have had to learn that being this way isn't good. i have had to learn that approaching someone with your arms figuratively crossed is just like approaching with a large knife. Here are a few stories...

We have this one kid who I will call Shrek. He is a very big boy. I remember hearing about how he came to us. His parents drove him from the mid west, he was bullying and using drugs. He also was well behind his peers in school and had many anger issues. He was literally dragged into the house by two cops. He was super angry threatening everyone and just being Shrek. Well it took a few months of me working there and him getting the chance to go home for the two of us to butt heads. Well I remember how everyone would tell me to make him take a shower. He smelled so bad, that's why I never really wanted anything to do with him. He never showered, I remember seeing his boxers and damn near throwing up. They were beyond soiled and you could smell them from the hallway. I remember the boys were picking on him about smelling so bad, they wouldn't let him sleep in the room with them, they wouldn't let him sit on the couches to watch a movie either. Well I told him to go shower then come back and he could have my seat. He told me to go fuck myself and to make him shower. Well that set me off. I got up and walked right over to him, and it came out. It's rare for me to really tear into someone to the extent i was about too. I remember telling him that there is a reason the boys treat him like they do, they weren't afraid of him and they were tired of his constant stankness. (I actually used that word.) He took a step closer to me and said he was about to hit me. So naturally I said the following, " I fucking dare you. I will put your fat stinky ass in the grass you fucking pig. Then after that I will drag you by your dingy mop top outside and hose you off like the dog you are. You fucking stink Shrek, if i have parents telling me this its obviously a problem for other people to you selfish giant fuck." He looked like he was going to hit me hard, and by his size I really think he could have killed me. I'm not making this up, this is a big boy and his fists are huge. Well instead of him hitting me he ran off to his room. He slammed the door, which set me off again. So I followed him up the stairs for round two. Well after I got the door unstuck I walked into the room. Shrek was nowhere to be seen. The window was open, but there is no way his large frame was getting through the 6" slip. I looked around and didn't see him. Then I heard it. A whimper, it came from the the closet. His giant feet were sticking out from under a pile of clothing. He had covered himself in clothing and was crying. My immediate thought was "what have I done." I said, "Shrek, what are you doing?" Her replied. "go away." I couldn't think of anything to say except, "I'm not here to yell at you anymore", Shrek,"Yea, you did a good job downstairs." Me," Listen bud..." Shrek,"I don't want to hear it. You really hurt my feelings, you really scared me." Me, "I uh I...I" Shrek, "Do you have any idea what is like to be me? I can't help that I'm bigger than everyone. I can't help that I am afraid to shower. You don't know Seth. You don't know. Just leave me alone." Me," I can't leave you alone, we have to talk this out. This is a problem bud. If you are afraid of showering here I need to know these things. i need to know who is doing what to you." Shrek," No one is doing anything to me here, I just don't want to get burned by the water. You don't know..." I found out why he was afraid, don't ever let me hear about you forcing a child into scolding water. Well after I read that I went back to his room. He was uncovered but still in the closet. Me," Hey, I'm not really to good at this apologizing thing. I'm sorry I said the things I did. I just want you to know I would never deliberately try to hurt you. It's not my nature to fight. If I feel threatened though, like I did. I will protect myself though. I honestly care a lot about you Shrek. I want to see you get ahead. I know about the things your dad says to you. I know about how all you "friends" treat you. I also know why your afraid of the water. I'm afraid of water too. I hate deep water where I can't see the bottom. My dad use to tell me I wasn't going to be able to do much either because I was smaller than everyone. He also didn't show up to anything for me as well. So i do know a little bit. So here is what I'm going to do. From here out, when I feel that I'm about to blow up at you; I'm going to tell you to go to your room or go somewhere else. I will calm down and we can talk. I can't promise that I won't yell or swear at you but I will promise that I will try really hard to stop before I get bad. From you I need you to try to shower more often and be cleaner. If you need me to teach you anything just ask. I will teach what you need to know. You also need to tell me if you need a time out. Is that something we can do together?" Shrek," Yea, I'm sorry too." He got up and I gave him a hug, which almost killed me.

Shrek is still here. He doesn't smell as bad, and when I work he usually has better days. In fact, its been said that he really looks forward to Saturdays! Shrek is an interesting kid. He is super emotional and super big. He gets mad and threatens, but you can count to 7 and he starts to cry. I really like him and I hope he does well when he leaves our program. I still look back on that day, I have never in my wildest imagination thought I was capable of being like that. The boys told me later that my eyes literally turned dark and the veins on my arms and neck were bulging. They spoke the their respective therapists about it, they said they didn't feel threatened, They actually felt like someone cared for them and Shrek. Which is good they said that because I would have gotten fired.

Every now and then Shrek and I will take a drive somewhere and just chat. Even though he is a giant, he still is just a scared little boy. Seriously, every time I think about him i imagine him walking up the stairs in cover all pajamas and a stuffed bear. It makes me smile thinking about it. He is scared about going home, he is scared about talking with his dad. Just like me... All he has ever wanted was for his dad to be proud of him. His dad no longer calls him shit head. They don't yell at each other on the phone. Shrek is one of those kids that just needs someone to put their arm around his big smelly body and just say. "Hey, you done good kid."

A few weeks a go another one of my most fun kids graduated. Sid and I have a lot in common. He is 17 years old and stands a short 5' 4''. He was a wrestler, and he played football. He had two older siblings. One was married and the other was nowhere to be found. He lived with his oldest sister. He came to us with a drug problem and all around deviance issues. I remember my first encounter with him, we were talking about wrestling. He told me that the only reason he wrestled was because that was the only sport a midget could be really I told him I wrestled because it would make me a better lover. He didn't quite get it... Anyway, as I found out more about this kid I learned that he and I had a lot in common. I graduated high school a tall 5' 5'' and weighed around 176 lbs. I went to boot camp and grew 3".

He was really manipulative, constant bullshitter if you will. Well if you know me, I am the king of bullshit and I'm not about to be one upped by a teenager. Sid is really good at making you laugh when you are obviously angry with him. He used this on me a lot. However, he still paid the pipe when it came to me. I remember one night I was working a night shift, I went down stairs and heard him screaming. I went into his room and was sleeping and screaming at the top of his lungs. His roommate was gone so that was one good thing. Well he woke up and started crying. He told me about the dream he was having. He watched one of his best friends burn to death in car crash. He got out and couldn't get his friend. Well as I sat there, I decided I would open up to him about some dreams I've been having. In particular the one i wrote about in "Keep Smiling." We became pretty close and he wrote a song when he graduated. It was called No Matter. Its a good song and I will place a little bit of it at the end of this portion. I hope to see Sid in the PGA someday.

" It doesn't matter if it rains or shines, the birds will sing"

A few short lessons I have learned while working in this school.

If you tear someone down, you better come back with twice the support and be the first to say good job. Plus be first to apologize.

Approaching someone with you arms figuratively crossed is like approaching them with a wall. Approach them like you are going to hug them and you both will get something from it.

Always be willing to apologize or don't even get involved.

Emotions are good, they are natural. Its how you deal with them that can be bad.

Labels on people are like labels on beer bottles. They can be peeled away.

Kids are kids.

It takes a man to say, "I'm sorry." It takes a real man to actually be sorry and learn from it.

A real man will fight through shitty situations without thinking about if he going to win or not. Because its not the "w" that counts. Its the seeing it through that matters. Sometimes you just lose.

Seth's rules....

Dating...

I have a three call/ask rule. I ask three times then after that I NEVER call/ask again. Ever...

Realize that 99% of all women you ask out are more than likely only going because they know they wont pay for the meal.

If she was easy for you, she was probably easy for the last 36 guys as well.

If they say they aren't high maintenance they are.

If she can't look you in the eye when you talk she is intimidated.
You can't expect her to be honest with you if you can't be honest with yourself.

Any women worth her weight in gold, will be able to tell you no.

Things take time, don't rush any portion of anything.

Whatever you do, and I mean whatever you do, don't talk about your ex...

If you're only aim is to get ass stay away from the "nice" or "good" girls or guys. You don't deserve us, and yes we are better than that.

Nice guys/girls don't finish last. They win.

Just because someone left you, cheated on you, treated you like shit. Doesn't mean every guy/girl will. You stick it out and sometimes you get it cut off. It's life, shut up, ruck up, and step the fuck off.

There is no such thing as "out of your/my league", everyone gets up in the morning and goes to the bathroom and it smells like shit too.

Just because someone comes to get you to go out for ice cream or to get a cup of coffee doesn't mean they automatically like you.

The term "stalker" is an over used term. Often times by women. First off, when you make up excuses as to why you don't want to go out with someone it's just opening you up for another invitation. Be honest. It may sting but oh well.

Physical appearance does play a huge roll, get over it.

You will never meet someone worthy of taking home to mom and dad at a bar or club.

Nice guys/girls don't finish last. They win.

I'm short, I'm portly, I'm economically challenged. I am still the man you wish your boyfriend could be.

Don't buy a girl a drink at a bar or club. It's a waste of money and time. Unless they came with you and you are dating. Think about it, how many times have you purchased a libation for a girl and she walks away? I did once, then I followed her and took it back. I'm not a charity, get drunk on your own dime.

If she grabs the check before you, you might want to try to keep her around.

If the ex shows up, be cordial. Don't put on your tough guy pants, a man will never go toe to toe with an idiot.

Being a Man...

I live my way, I won't tell you how to live yours....

Being Single....

Embrace it, take time and get to know yourself.

The whole "getting under or on another to get over the one" doesn't work. Plus it makes you skanky.

Sit down and just enjoy not having to answer to someone but yourself.

Take the time to think about how you could have been different.

Remember you aren't alone, there is a big loveable guy in the sky who is with you all the time. He is awesome, he created the world.

Just accept the fact you are crazy and move on.

Go out and have fun and be true to yourself.


Dealing with me...

Realize that I am my own person and I don't like to follow the status quo when I don't absolutely have to.

I like the fact that I drive a Subaru.

I am a nice person, but if you walk all over me its done.

Don't pick me up, tap me on the head, or touch my face.

I am loud and obnoxious.

I rarely take anything serious.

I'm a closet romantic, you have to earn that...

I am blunt.

I'm not here for your entertainment.

I have come a long way from years past, if I feel that you are bad news I won't talk to you.

I have a strong disdain for teenagers.

Little kids scare the shit out of me.

I may put up a cocky front, but truthfully, I am scared out of my mind about damn near everything.

I have a really big heart.

I still get scared in the dark.

I love hugs.

I am very stubborn. I will pound a square peg through a circle hole just to do it.

I am very forgiving.

I am a nice guy, I don't finish last. I win.

If you use the "when you, I feel" type of communication with me it works...really well.

I love hugs.

I have PTSD and it has helped me realize that I am actually a very strong person.

I don't play games, so don't play them with me.

People like me because I'm polite and rarely late.

I have a lot of friends in places you could never imagine.

I love puppies.

If I take you out and you text the entire time, be prepared to text that person and ask them for a ride. Fuck you if you think I'm sticking around. Oh and I hope you bring money because you are paying...

I have no problem sticking up for myself, so if you want to try me go ahead.

I can and will be a memory to you.


Drinking...

Be responsible.

Women...

Be respectful even if they aren't. You can throw it back in their face when the time is appropriate.

Always assume you are wrong unless you are 100% correct and can prove it. Then be classy and tactful about it.

No matter how hot or gorgeous they are, they are still capable of destroying a bathroom.

If you make them cry don't be Seth Allen and froth at the mouth...

If she is the one at the child's birthday party that is closer to the baby then the mother, you can be sure she is crazy and you shouldn't use her condoms...

If she unlocks your car door before you get to it...

If she acts stupid to be cute cut her loose.

If she is clingy cut her loose

If she says. "fine" you're fucked.

If she doesn't let you see your friends kick her to the street, the curb is to good for her ass.

If she can't hold a conversation then cut her loose.

If she changes clothing like 42 times a day cut her loose.

If she is willing to shave your back she is a keeper.

If you can't be seen in public with her then why are you talking to her?


More on me...

Remember how I said I rarely take things serious? I don't so don't take any of this serious. I can't give relationship advice unless you want advice on how to destroy one. I can't give advice on women because I don't have one. The stuff on me is solid though.

Remember this: Nice people don't finish last. They win. A lifetime with somebody who you can love and respect is better than a night with some random shitbrick that looks good at the time.

Jody....

If you have ever served in the military or have had anything to do with the military you will come to learn about the guy named Jody. Jody is usually a friend or an acquaintance. He uses your stuff while your gone, he "takes care of" your lady when your away. He spends all of your money that you earn. He is your best friend. Here is my run in with Jody.

I was seeing a girl who I met while in high school. In fact we were together all of our Senior year, it was both awesome and shitty at the same time. This girl was that girl, you know the one. Ridiculously nice body, athletic and had parents that would buy her whatever she wanted. She came to my football games and cheered for me, she came to wrestling matches and cheered for me. She brought me food when I was at work, she pretty much did all the things a girlfriend does. We also fooled around on every bit of furniture in her parents house. I mean EVERY piece. We took her dad's sports car out for drives. If you have ever had the chance to make a Ferrari smoke it tires in 4th gear...do it. Oh and one of the best bit of shenanigans we ever did was have sex in the dark room at her very expensive private school. That was so awesome, the fumes from the chemicals made it very interesting. I'm not convinced that we were the only ones in there though. Well it was getting close to me leaving for bootcamp and we both knew it. We spent more time together, got all lovey dovey and what not. Yea it makes me sick just thinking about it. Eeeewww I'm literally cringing right now. Stupid love birds. Anyway I got to MEPS and she comes with my family. That was a hard day, we all cried and we all hugged. I left that afternoon to have my life change forever.

While at bootcamp she wrote me literally everyday. Every mail call I would get a letter and some pictures from her. I still remember having to sweat all over my mail because of Jim. He wrote insults to the Drill Instructors and what not. Thanks Jim. Well when you get pictures in bootcamp the DI's have to look at them. Well said girl would send me some very nice pictures, and the Drill instructors agreed. Anyway, come family day she was there with my parents and my sister. She looked absolutely gorgeous. Well after I graduated I went home and we all hung out and had a good time. I go to the fleet and keep talking to her on a daily basis just like two little teenagers do. Well I go home for predeployment leave and she says she wants a ring. I'm like whoah, I'm 19 and you are crazy. Soi naturally I cave. I buy her this ring that was like $1400 and looked nice. Well we had a good vacation and it was nice. My battalion was sent to Okinawa, Japan for this pump. We were there for like 3 days when the bomb was dropped on us. We are going to Iraq. I was both excited and angry. Well I call everyone to let them know the news and she didn't take it very well.

We started training pretty hard, and my phone calls were fewer and fewer. She sent me some more risque pictures and nice letters. Well we get into Kuwait and the training was getting more intense and the phone calls stopped. Except for the day before we were supposed to cross the border. So I go to the Internet cafe to buy a phone card. I check my email and the only email I get is from her. It went like this.

Seth,
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

Girlfriend.

Well my heart was broken. I called her phone...nothing. I called her room...her roommate picked up the phone and told me she had no idea where she was at. I bribed her by telling her where girlfriend left her favorite blanket. She immediately walked the phone to her friends room (jody). I asked her what was going on. She was like "Well I met this guy and he is great. He doesn't kill people for a living. I have been sleeping with him since I got here." I hung up the phone and didn't talk to her for the rest of the deployment. I went back to my hooch and dropped my blouse and grabbed my flak jacket and went for a run. My platoon commander chased me down and asked what happened. I told him the story, he gave me some bag gloves and told me to go to officer's gym and wait for him. I beat the hell out of a heavy bag.

She sent me letters all through the deployment, apologizing and trying to save face. I never wrote her back, I never answered emails. I didn't go out of my way to try to talk to her.

When I got back home I saw her though. She was home working and I said I would go and see her. That was a bad choice. I was very civil, never saying a single mean thing to her. She told me all about her boyfriend ( I didn't really pay much attention) and tried to be all nice and friendly with me. Well after that I never saw until a few years later. She was with her boyfriend, I'm sure at one point he didn't look like a walking blister with downs syndrome and I'm sure his breathing didn't sound one of those fat guys from the "Family Guy" episode where Lois' brother is trying to kill all the obese people. Mind you, I was looking super handsome. I was lean, tan and toned. I was obviously the alpha male in the building.

She asked me about the pictures she sent me one time, I told her I burned them. I will stick with that story until the day I die. She asked me how strangers got her email, old cell phone, and knew about a certain freckle. To this day I have no idea what she is talking about ;)

Do I hold any ill will towards her? Absolutely not. We were both young and dumb. I sincerely hope that both she and her husband have a long and meaningful marriage. I sincerely say that too.

Dodgeball

There are few games in this world that can be considered to give good life lessons. I for one feel that dodge ball is one of them. Before you think that I'm a complete idiot (which I won't deny) let me explain some things first.

The game of Dodge ball has been depicted as a cruel game by over protective mothers, they say its predatory like "smear the queer" or "Tag." Well that is kind of true. You are throwing balls at people across the room in order to get them out of the game. Sometimes its in a malicious manner. To that I say bring it. If you're afraid if someone getting hurt use softer projectiles. You know what else is considered malicious? School dances are malicious. How many of my friends out there have had their hopes up that a special someone is going to ask them to a dance only to find out they asked your worst enemy to the dance instead? It has happened to me. The truth though is that I'm not LDS and the girl wasn't allowed to go to a dance with a gentile. That will be a blog for a later time. What else is considered a not very nice thing? Hmmm i wonder. Oh here's one, little league football. When a kid is over weight they have to put an "X" on their helmet. Lets just point out that the kid is fat and can't run as fast others. Let's see what else we can think of....life in general. If life were nice we would all find that special someone and things would be grand.

Back to dodge ball.

I find that dodge ball is a great equalizer and will teach you about life. Let's visit the equalizer factor. We all know the athletes, we all know the studs and super women of our communities. They seem to out perform everyone in every aspect. They seem to date the hot guys/girls. they get all the breaks, they are just generally more awesome than everyone. Well when they are in the pit they stand just as much of a chance getting a fast mover to the testicles or baby maker. Their faces no matter how perfect they are are just as likely to get hit with a high velocity projectile and end up bloodying a nose possibly breaking it. When you're in the octagon no one is out of reach. So in short, awesome in every way possible or not you WILL get hit in the face. T other life lesson portion of my banter. We all know those people that are go getters, we know the ones who are strategic, we also know the ones who stay in the back. The go getters are the ones who run as fast as they can to get a ball and throw it. The strategic ones wait for a ball to come to them. The useless ones stay in the back and try to grab the slow rolling balls. They grab them and gingerly throw them back to the other side hoping it hits someone but they are fine if they just catch it. God forbid they stay in the game for to long, they could get hurt. Well here it goes, if you move around and accept the fact you may get hit you will take it and move on. You will go sit on the side and wait for someone to catch the ball and get you back in the game or you wait until the next round to get your revenge. As in life sometimes you get taken out. Sometimes you get down. What do you do? You take a time out, then you analyze what happened and you make corrections. Then there are the ones who sit in the back. They hide from everything. They let the others take the fall, they let the others take the hits. Well eventually they are the only ones left. I hope at this moment you are imagining being on the winning side seeing the timid kid, the one with glasses, or the only fat kid in the class. You see them and they are scared, they are shaking even peeing themselves a little. You begin to froth at the mouth. You are all hyped up and you arm is ready to throw. In fact you are confident you could throw a 100 mph fast ball. So like a pack of ornery wolves you begin to pounce. You all throw a volley of super inflated ridgy balls at the poor soul. The first ball hits the kid in the stomach, the second hits them in the groin, the third hits them in the face. The poor kid has fallen to the ground and the balls keep coming and the coach is either laughing to hard to blow the whistle or he is creeping on the skanky girl who wears the shorts that are a little to tight and the shirt that amplifies her chest. The kid is balled up crying in their own blood and urine. By now your team should be celebrating the decimation of the poor soul and heading into the showers or whatever. That poor kid is too embarrassed to get up and the coach gives him or her a satisfactory grade for the day. What is my point? My point id this dodge ball teaches either you A) get up and fight. You stick and move when problems, hard times, or hard people enter your life or B) you hide and eventually everything finds you and beats the shit out of you and you end up in a ball of nothingness.

So in closing this is my view of life in consideration to dodge ball.

Life is like a game of dodge ball. Sometimes you never get hit. Sometimes you never hit anyone. At some point you will get hit in the ear, face, groin, or all of the above. You take your hit, go sit down. Then get back up, start the next game and play using the lessons you learned from last round.