Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Just keep smiling

So June 29, 2005 was kind of a bad day. I remember the day pretty vividly, I was on ECP 1 in Fallujah, Iraq. I was at the furthest post west on the control point. It was on the side of the city. I saw everyone coming out of the city. We were standing 6 hour posts and it was hotter than two mice wrestling in a wool sock. Or hotter than a shower scene with my two favorite women in it, that being Sara Evans and Patty Loveless :) Anyway we had just gotten relieved and were going into our hooch which was even hotter because yours truly thought it was a good idea to mess with the AC and I blew the circuit. Yea that scored me some points on the friend list. Well just as soon as we get there I get told I'm going on a patrol. Sweet. Anyway I walk over to the COC to get the order from my squad leader and as soon as I step inside the building there was this enormous boom. I mean this son of bitch was loud. It knocked the computer off the desk, knocked stuff off the walls you name it, it did it. Well we immediately go to the trucks and mount up because the guy who replaced me says there was an explosion like 300 meters away. That's three football fields. Well we start heading towards the blast to be passed by a convoy screaming "Get Some!!!" and "Ooohrah!" all sorts of the moto shit you hear from POG's. We head towards the scene and dismount. There is a seven ton truck on its side and burning. We set up security along with another group and begin to assess the situation. There were Marines everywhere. There were Marines walking around in a daze and screaming. I saw an ear on the ground with a headphone melted to it. However, I was relaxed. Actually a little annoyed because it was getting dark and I needed to workout or i was going to go crazy. I watched my friend get somebody on a stretcher and I went to help him. Then all of the sudden a hand grabs me and says "help me" so i walked this Marine to the side and sit this person down. This Marine was covered in blood and dirt and charred stuff. Well I was smiling I guess... I don't remember really smiling. All I remember is not thinking much about this. Well after we got everything turned over to whoever we went back to the ECP and to the COC to discuss what had happened and to see if we still needed to patrol. Well I noticed we had a plethora of female Marines in our building. This is strange for many reasons, 1) there are only a couple that are there and they are only there for a few hours during the day, and 2) there were many. Well it didn't occur to me until my squad leader comes up and says, " the truck had all the WM's on it..." Still nothing. Even right now I don't feel anything usually I will breakdown and tear up a bit. Well I just remember seeing this young Marine squatting in a corner grasping her rifle and rocking back and forth. She was muttering something i couldn't make out. I removed the magazine from her weapon as she looked at me and said, " condition 3." I replied with a simple grunt. Well I didn't quite understand what she was saying until I walked off. She was saying, " he was smiling." That floored me. He got so close they could see what he was doing...

Well not even a year later I was at the Scout Sniper Basic course in San Diego. I had damn good weekend! I met up with some friends and went around SD and enjoyed being away. I met up with a smokin hot teacher from Palm Springs and her friends who weren't very friendly. Well i went back to Camp Pendleton and strolled over to the PX to get some stuff for the week when I was stopped by a girl. She had some scars on her face. She asked me if I had ever been to Fallujah. I answered her with a yes. She asked me about the day the convoy got hit outside of the ECP and I laughed and said yes. She was like "you helped me", I was speechless. I asked her if she was the one I took the magazine from she said no. She said, " I walked up to you, you were smiling. I can't forget that smile. You helped me..." I was floored. I started talking to her about that day a little bit. i asked her about coming home and how she was doing. Her and her husband were getting ready to leave because she was getting out. She asked me about everything and i told her. She never asked my name nor did I for hers.

I keep having the dream of her walking up to me. Except she isn't hurt. She just keeps telling me to smile. She tells me that everything will be ok. Just keep smiling and everything will be ok. It's weird. She isn't covered in blood and burnt shit. It's smokey and smelly. The smell of charred flesh never leaves you. Its a sour nasty smell.

I have been in some tight situations, both in the military and out. I went through Fallujah in 2004 and returned in 2005. I went back to Iraq in 2006 and worked with a lot of units that were constantly duking it out. None of those situations really ever get to me. June 29, 2005 will always be a day that I remember. I will always have that dream, I honestly don't ever want it to stop. It brings peace to me. I used to not be able to sleep until I heard the screams from Fallujah. The screams of the families who had lost sons and husbands and brothers. They would scream because the would go outside. They went outside because they new it was safe. If it was safe for them, it was safe for us.

I have found that I am an emotional being, I don't like to feel numb. I didn't want to think about these things because it invokes emotions I'm not wanting. I don't want to feel vulnerable, I don't want people to know that I am able to hurt. Who does? I have found over many "vision quests" that if I don't feel these things I can't feel the good. I can't feel the warmth of another, I can't feel the love for my fellow being. For me it starts with smiling. I love to smile. I love to laugh. I love to make others smile and laugh. I like having others around. Often times I think others think I do this for them. Well yes I do first and foremost, but in reality I do it for me too.

So just keep smiling it will be ok.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

So FaceBook is an amazing thing. You can use it to catch up with old friends, keep in cotact with family far away or in my case make funny status updates. Well its also a passage to old feelings. Today of all days it happened. I spoke to a 10 year old girl that I haven't seen since she was a new born. It's hard for me to believe she is 10 almost 11. This girl lives in the southern states with her adoptive parents. She has surpasses everything myself or my sister did by her age. I recently friended her mom on facebook. Seeing her is like looking at little black version of my sister. She two grades ahead of kids her age. She plays the violin. She lives with a Christian family and has so many opportunities ahead of her. Its amazing.

The not so good part.

When this girl was born it was bad time in my families lives. My sister was given the one of the worst hands in the game of life. She wasn't someone I wanted to know when she was a teenager. The problems at home were bad, My parents were at the end of their rope with Emily. I don't want to go in depth wth what was going on because thats not for your eyes to read. It was bad and I was good at not letting anyone know there was someting going on. I worked hard in school, I worked hard in sports and I played the "perfect family" card like it was nobodies business. I was acting like the typical happy go lucky teenage boy. It was a facade.Nobody knew any different, how did I deal with my feelings? I made others laugh. I was obnoxious with my behavior. I was the constant clown, I was the the guy who would come to church and make the youth group laugh hard. No one knew and still no one knows. Thats for me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My attitude towards...

First things first...Me

I'm going to start off with a bible verse, ""Therefore, COME OUT FROM THEIR MIDST AND BE SEPARATE," says the Lord. "AND DO NOT TOUCH WHAT IS UNCLEAN; And I will welcome you." 2 Corinthians 6:17.

I have always been the one that kind of sticks out in group. Whether its because I am shorter than everyone else, or I just have a different attitude. Mostly because I'm the short one that has to scream "wait for me, wait for me!!!" You know like the group of kids running and the midget that's trailing behind! I'm laughing as I write that. I like that, it makes me smile. I'm not saying I'm slow by any means. I'm just saying I tend to stick out a wee bit.





Women...

I'm not really in the dating game right now, nor am I into the whole random girl thing anymore. That was over after the sliced tire incident a while ago. Mom if you read this don't ask because you will be upset with me and I just can't have that. Right now I am in a break kind of mode right now. Shitty women kind of take a toll on you after a while. Besides, I'm going to school more than full time and I'm constantly fighting to make ends meet and women cost a lot of money. I don't care what you say you are all high maintenance and you know it :) It's cool though because I like to take care of you.

You are all crazy and you know it. Crazy for being super emotional. Crazy for being bitchy and stuck up. You are crazy because you like to take our stuff and wear it. You are crazy because you think that you are the special ingredient needed to change a guy. We don't understand why you do half the crazy shit you do. We don't understand that its the little things that count. We think you are crazy because you won't give us the time of day. We think you are crazy because you talk shit about us then come over and act like everything is cool.

However, I love the fact that you are crazy. I love the fact you wear our stuff. I love the fact that I can't figure you out...ever. I love the random acts of craziness that tend to happen. I also love it when I do something that you consider small but I feel its huge; such as but not limited to buying you a funny little hat or something stupid. In my head I am standing on a mountain screaming " I am victorious!!!"


Men...

If you think I'm going to write about how men should act you are wrong. I have my own way and so does every other guy. So deal with it.


Guns...

They are loud and they put holes in things far away.


Gay people...

I really don't care if you are in the military or not. I don't care if you want to get married or not. Don't automatically think I am going to dislike you...

Downs Syndrome...

I do make jokes, but I honestly feel that you are sent to the earth by God as angels.

Little dogs...

I don't like you...

Babies...

When you eat your hands, it scares the shit out of me...

Nerdy girls...

Will you marry me?

Athletic girls...

Will you marry me?

Marriage...

Hmmm, I don't know about that one yet, unless you fall into one of the before mentioned categories...

Physics class...

The blond girl who wears glasses and looks at me like I'm an idiot. Do you have any idea how attractive you are to me? I love your weird shoe things you wear and the fact that you could run me into the dirt. To bad you have a boyfriend who owns a coffee shop in P.C. Oh well.

Literature class....

I hate Vampires...

Blogging...

This is my way of processing my feelings. I don't pay to much attention to grammar...so deal with it.

The large girl in my intro to political science class...

Shut up.

Single women with children...

Don't lose hope. There is a man out there who will love you and your children. Hell, he may even like your stupid little dog...

The guy who used to try to get me to touch him...

If I ever see you again, I will feed you your heart...

Dee...

I ever see you again, you will be eating your own heart as well.

Mazda Miata's...

You know how I know you're gay?


Danny and Colleen...

You have shown me love, you have shown me that people can actually do things the right way.

Mom and Dad...

Its been a rough road but I will continue to make you proud..

Emily...

Damn your tough...

Alcohol...

I wish I would have never met you...

Drugs...

I wish I would have never met you...

War...

I wish I never met you...

California...

I miss you. Well except for the inland empire...you suck.

Sex...

I wish I had the strength to wait...

Ex Girlfriends...

Some of you I wish I had never met, others well too bad it didn't work out...

Quitters...

Don't even come and talk to me.

Cheaters...

I don't respect you...

Cowgirl...

One word...reverse.

PTSD...

I hate you, but you have made me stronger.

Dad...

I owe you money and some other intangibles...

Mom...

I owe you everything.

Lt. Lee

You saved my life.

God...

I'm here to serve

Cowgirls...

Will you marry me?

Life...



FaceBook...

You suck


Bed...

now

Sunday, March 21, 2010

A few comical stories from my time as one of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children

A quick snippet of a conversation between myself and a Marine from the Sniper platoon I had the opportunity to be a part of.



Well, I was just kind of relaxing in my barracks room one day after some training we were doing by myself reading a book from said collection. Mind you this was St. Patricks day of 2006 and the guys from my platoon wanted to go out and party. One of the guys enters my room and see's what I'm doing and grabs the book from me and tries to read it. ... See moreThe book happened to be upside down and he said he didn't understand any of it. Well I told him I was just reading something else to get my mind off of hold overs and range finding and what not. He was like "watch tv..." I didnt have a tv. I was like " I'm good, I like my book." He replied, " You got like a 30-40 of them things man, have you read all of them?" I was like "bits and pieces yes", he replied " you're f-cken wierd skittles, are you really even a Marine?" I was like, " we went to bootcamp together..." He replied, " G-dammit man, those books don't got no pictures in em dude, how the f-ck are you supposed to learn sh-t without pictures?" I was taken a back by that. Well they talked me into being the "not so drunk driver" so we could go to Palms Springs and celebrate the Irish holiday of drinking. We went and partied and got into one of the biggest fights ever. I was talking to a woman who was obviously not interested but still fun to mingle with, when I get a tap on the back. " Hey dude, you may need to come talk some sense into this big idiot over here. You're the most sober and you cansay some shit to calm the fire." I go over and this big tatted up guy is sitting on a stool talking to another guy in the platoon. I approach and my friend say's " this guy will f-ck you up if you don't stop acting stupid..." my friend walks away and the dude stands up. He was taller and bigger than a damn bear, I don't play with that. So I offered an apology and bought him a beer and walked off. Well not even two minutes later My previous friend walks back into the bar and goes up to the ogre and tells him he just kicked his bike over and handed him the mirror. It was on, I was caught between these two continents that were about to shift. So what do I do? I execute the most perfect double leg I have ever done. Tatto guy fell like a ton of bricks and followed it up with a thundering fist to the top of my head. I get up and run off to another friend who was trading hits with another big guy who was wearing an Abercrombie shirt complete with ugly green and white stripes and tackle him. I get picked up by some other large guy and thrown on a table and proceeded to get the meals I have previously eaten punched out of my stomach. Well after that we all make it to the car... I couldn't find the keys. I don't really remember how we got back.

While in country with SSP.

We were at a range outside of AQ shooting guns and drinking N/A budwiesers waiting for it to get dark. We needed to recalibrate our night optics and what not. Well we go to the range we bring everything we can. All of our guns whether it being our 40's, M16's M4's, 240 G's, thump guns you name it. Well we happen to bring some C4 and hand grenades. We blow up the C4 and some random car that was out there. Well Joe gets the idea of throwing hand grenades, I was like ummmm how about no. I get called all sorts of names from pussy to faggot. I think I was told to go read a book or something. Well the decision was made to go for it. I remember saying " Hey there aren't any berms..." Then " FRAG OUT!!!" was yelled. I ran my fastest to get some cover behind a HMMWV and I swear I beat everyone. I have never ran so fast in my life. Then I feel this thump in my leg followed by a fierce burning sensation. I was like " Ow, are you serious?" I feel my leg and there is blood on my hand and a piece of metal in my leg. Yea, I ran the furthest fastest and got hit. It still blows my mind and everyone involved is still in disbelief from it.

This one time...

We were in Fallujah literally the day after we were stopped so somewhere around April 10, 2004. I was on post and this guy named Romero, who was peruvian and stood about 5'2'' and had a very square head started to make fun of me about how I was a boot and I had to wear glasses and stuff. Yea this guy was retarded, I was like " I have been with you for like 8 months and you just barely notice this and decided to join the make fun of Allen bandwagon?" He gets into my bag and looks at the stuff I brought. He noticed the only things other than ammo and water was a copy of "The Outsiders". He made fun of the fact that I had a book. He then tied that into the fact that I wore glasses and was a boot, real original this one. So after about an hour and a half of his adult onset downs syndrome he left. I got off post and was told to go and "punk" him because he is acting all high and mighty for making fun of me for an hour. So I grab a MRE box and draw a face on it and walk over to his position and put it on. I started talking like him. I made fun of people for the most obvious and stupid things. He didn't really say much to me after that.

On a date...

So I had met this girl at a Barnes & Noble in Palm Desert one time. She was probably 5'7'' brunette and very attractive. We started to talk and one thing led to another I asked her for her number. She gave it to me and said to text before I called. She maybe working. I didn't know what she did we ddidn't get to that point. Well later that week I texted her and asked if she was busy and if she wanted to go get a coffee and go walk around the river thing down in Palm Springs. She replied " that would be lovely!" Well we meet up and go get coffee and she brings up the fact she had to be at work early this morning and she really doesn't like her job and she just wanted to go and soak up in a tub. My thought was " Im in" well I said what she needed was a pedicure (because I needed to get one done myself, I'm not gay. My feet take care of me so i should take care of them.) She was like " seriuous?" I mistakenly said " yes ma'am"... she knew. the immediate thought was this, " well you will never hear from her again, she knows you're a Jarhead." Well she was all for the pedi and we went off. Well we went and got food afterwords. We said goodbye and i went on my way fully expecting to never hear from her again. Well not even a day later I get a text, " my apartment, now..." Thats how I learned about what we like to call "cougars".

The Brandin' Iron...

If you're ever in San Bernadino and want to go to a "country" bar this is the place you go. I went a few times and ALWAYS had a great time, except for this time. I stand a 5'8'' and wiegh about 195 lbs right now. At that point I was a very lean and very handsome 178 lbs. Well I go with my friend Jessie K. and a one very large Miles Hill. Hill was a good old boy from Oklahoma and had a very thick accent. Well he introduced us to some women and the night was on. Our cover stories were that he was a personal trainer (for obviuos reasons) Jessie was a commercial farmer from Minnesota and I was a accounts representative from Universal studios in Florida. Well as the night goes on we get to know these girls pretty well. They were into us like it was nobodies business but it was cool. Well the girl that took an immediate fondness to me was a petite girl. Very cute and very brazen. We go dancing, we have a few drinks. She tells me that she is staying pretty close to the club and wanted me to take her back to her place. We all decide to continue the party over there. Well when we shw up this place is like something you see out of a movie. She had all sorts of cool stuff for me to mess with. Well continue to party and notice that we are missing someone. Miles was no where to be found. niether was the girl he was with. I get a text from him saying he was just down the road and that chicks place. Apparently she was a cop, or so he thought. That stuff ends up being her ex-boyfriends stuff that she stole. Well anyway one thing leads to another and we all go to bed. Well I get woken up by a loud string of curse words and stuff getting thrown around. Well I get out of bed naked as the day I was born. I get all of my clothes and head out the door to my car. Jessie was already down the road getting miles. We meet up and go get some food. I returned the car to the rental place drove back in Jessie's truck. Well actually we went to Fontana and bought little motorcylces and laughed about the night.

Why people hate Marines...

If you have spent sometime in a town near a military base specifically a Marine base you will find that Marines are despised by all the locals. Before I get into this subject I need STRONGLY stress that this isn't every Marine. Not all Marines act in this manner, these are just the apples that spoil the sauce. Marines are disliked for the following reasons, this list is not all inclusive but here it goes. Marines are, ass holes, cocky, violent, prone to infidelity, loud, dirty, unintelligent, very close minded. Tend to be the guy at the party that has no problem taking his pants off and eating all of your food, plug your toilet and blame it on the most attractive girl at the party, break something expensive and break a tool trying to fix it. Marines also like to destroy fine establishments, wreck cars, flip cars over, offend old women, shave cats, spit tobacco juice all over your house. Non-military men feel threatened by them because they are better looking, more masculine, all around more physically attractive than them.

Why people love Marines...

They are good looking.

Monday, March 15, 2010

More of my banter

Do you have people in your life that you can honestly say are tough? I'm not talking about the tough that involves beating the hell out of someone, or the tough that you can take a lot of physical pain isn't it either. I'm talking about the mental and emotional toughness aspect.

First person that comes to my mind is my mother. This woman is amazing, to say the very least. My dad will sometimes make a joke when I call her crazy that I will "marry someone just like her." To that I reply, " If I found a woman, that is half of what she is I would marry her in a heart beat..." My mother had to put up with a daughter that literally made a 180 degree turn for the worst at age 13. Watched her get into drugs, get sexually assaulted, run away on many occasions, get pregnant at 17 and so on. She stuck by her and helped her get back to where she is today. A semi-normal older sister. She had to put u p with a VERY stubborn son. It has always been Seth's way or the highway. She had to put up with my frustrations of going to a high school where the masses were LDS and very cliquey. She had to listen to my rants about how I hated playing football for a team that wasn't a team. She would listen to me when I would come home and be upset that all my hard work and dedication was falling on deaf ears. She would nurse me back to health when I would come home beaten up from practice. She knew I was the runt on the team and kept telling me that I was tougher than everyone else. She would always say that I played like I was 10 feet tall and bullet proof. She would sit in stands and watch me play and tell me I was awesome even when I would come home angry and sad because i had just gotten through hearing how it was my fault or that if I was just bigger than it wouldn't have happened how it did. She watched me get hurt on numerous occasions wrestling. I knew she would hide in the back because I didn't want her to see me get hurt. She also signed the enlistment papers without hesitation. None of us knew what was coming my way. She came to see me off the bus my first time coming home and noticed I wasn't smiling. She knew something wasn't right with me. She noticed that I wasn't ok when I came home that first time either. Yet she would sit and listen to me and not give judgement. I knew about her being sick every time I left. I know there were many sleepless nights within my family. Yet she was there every time I got off the bus. I always told her I was untouchable. She knows that bullshit. So my mom is tougher than i could ever be.

The second just happens to be my sister. My sister has had a rough life. We have already gone through some of the things she has been through, well she came out of that. She has a college degree, she is married ( which I don't remember a damn thing from her wedding.) Its a wonder what alcohol and drugs will take from you. I am very proud of her and I know she is doing well.

My friend April. She has had it rough too. She has experienced so many negative aspects of life its unimagineable. I really do like having her as one of my close friends. She has no problem telling me like it is. She has suffered through a bad marriage, being kidnapped by a band of mexican midget wrestlers and forced to sew tiny pants for them (inside joke). She has come so far from where she use to be. I always enjoy spending time with her and Jason her new husband. I often call her to get brought back down to earth when I'm floating a little to high and she is more than willing to do the service of making fun of my bad jokes. Not many people can get me to say "well I guess you got me", she has.

All my friends who have to balance children with a partner that has deployed. I have been on the deployed side and I know the feeling of being away. The difference between us and them is that we know when we are safe. They just know we are away and its not a vacation.

I'm not the best at voicing how I feel, this is my way of doing it. Someday I wish it will be different for me, and maybe someday it will. I look up to a lot of people and try to live my life in a fashion as to not disappoint them. I know quite a few people going through hard times right now. I can't identify with many of you; some of you I can. What I do know is that it will end eventually. I can say that right now I am happier now than I have ever been for quite sometime. I have people in my life that push me both intellectually and physically and I wouldn't have it any other way. Pain isn't permanent, sadness will go away in time.

Tough times don't last. Tough people do.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Drinking....

Here are some lessons I have learned about drinking.

1) Seth + Tequila + microphone = the worst version of every Jimmy Buffet song you will ever hear...

2) Girls who come to a bar with a man hater attitude are usually the first ones you can get to go out to the parking lot...

3) Girls who dress up and get all made up are usually trash.

4) Marines will ruin everything. I know this I am one.

5) Honkey Tonks are by far the best thing ever created.

6) You will not meet anyone worth bringing home to mom and dad at a bar/club.

7) Guys who go to the bar/club and order shot after shot or beer after beer have something to prove. Guys who just get a beer and nurse it just want to have fun. Guys who order a glass of scotch (high end) and take small sips over a period of time, have nothing to prove, usually successful, won't cause problems and will more than likely tell you that he isn't interested because he isn't...

8) Girls know how to take care of their friends. If girl of interest has friends and they think you are a dirt bag, just walk away.

9) Seth + Jack & Coke (lots of them) + fish tacos = no more fish tacos...

10) Seth + certain friend (they know who they are) + good wine + 2 ladies in there early 40's with lots of money + art gallery in Palms Springs = Awesome night...

11) I'm a good BS'er when I'm sober, if I drink though, I hold the crown....

12) Always and I mean always have a sober person with your party. Not just for the obvious reasons. They can tell you if a girl that you are talking to is either 1) actually a girl 2) if she looks good 3) can see if there is a guy watching the two of you.

13) Seth + girl of interest + shovel + half a handle = 2.5 hours of digging to show her I was willing to move a mountain. That will NEVER happen again.

14) Nothing is better than a cold Budwieser after a long day of digging footings...

15) Seth + another friend + lots of beer and whiskey + friends older sister's kid + 150 fake tattoos = baby covered in fake tattoo's and one extremely angry older sister.

16) Nothing good ever comes from getting drunk.