Sunday, March 21, 2010

A few comical stories from my time as one of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children

A quick snippet of a conversation between myself and a Marine from the Sniper platoon I had the opportunity to be a part of.

Well, I was just kind of relaxing in my barracks room one day after some training we were doing by myself reading a book from said collection. Mind you this was St. Patricks day of 2006 and the guys from my platoon wanted to go out and party. One of the guys enters my room and see's what I'm doing and grabs the book from me and tries to read it. ... See moreThe book happened to be upside down and he said he didn't understand any of it. Well I told him I was just reading something else to get my mind off of hold overs and range finding and what not. He was like "watch tv..." I didnt have a tv. I was like " I'm good, I like my book." He replied, " You got like a 30-40 of them things man, have you read all of them?" I was like "bits and pieces yes", he replied " you're f-cken wierd skittles, are you really even a Marine?" I was like, " we went to bootcamp together..." He replied, " G-dammit man, those books don't got no pictures in em dude, how the f-ck are you supposed to learn sh-t without pictures?" I was taken a back by that. Well they talked me into being the "not so drunk driver" so we could go to Palms Springs and celebrate the Irish holiday of drinking. We went and partied and got into one of the biggest fights ever. I was talking to a woman who was obviously not interested but still fun to mingle with, when I get a tap on the back. " Hey dude, you may need to come talk some sense into this big idiot over here. You're the most sober and you cansay some shit to calm the fire." I go over and this big tatted up guy is sitting on a stool talking to another guy in the platoon. I approach and my friend say's " this guy will f-ck you up if you don't stop acting stupid..." my friend walks away and the dude stands up. He was taller and bigger than a damn bear, I don't play with that. So I offered an apology and bought him a beer and walked off. Well not even two minutes later My previous friend walks back into the bar and goes up to the ogre and tells him he just kicked his bike over and handed him the mirror. It was on, I was caught between these two continents that were about to shift. So what do I do? I execute the most perfect double leg I have ever done. Tatto guy fell like a ton of bricks and followed it up with a thundering fist to the top of my head. I get up and run off to another friend who was trading hits with another big guy who was wearing an Abercrombie shirt complete with ugly green and white stripes and tackle him. I get picked up by some other large guy and thrown on a table and proceeded to get the meals I have previously eaten punched out of my stomach. Well after that we all make it to the car... I couldn't find the keys. I don't really remember how we got back.

While in country with SSP.

We were at a range outside of AQ shooting guns and drinking N/A budwiesers waiting for it to get dark. We needed to recalibrate our night optics and what not. Well we go to the range we bring everything we can. All of our guns whether it being our 40's, M16's M4's, 240 G's, thump guns you name it. Well we happen to bring some C4 and hand grenades. We blow up the C4 and some random car that was out there. Well Joe gets the idea of throwing hand grenades, I was like ummmm how about no. I get called all sorts of names from pussy to faggot. I think I was told to go read a book or something. Well the decision was made to go for it. I remember saying " Hey there aren't any berms..." Then " FRAG OUT!!!" was yelled. I ran my fastest to get some cover behind a HMMWV and I swear I beat everyone. I have never ran so fast in my life. Then I feel this thump in my leg followed by a fierce burning sensation. I was like " Ow, are you serious?" I feel my leg and there is blood on my hand and a piece of metal in my leg. Yea, I ran the furthest fastest and got hit. It still blows my mind and everyone involved is still in disbelief from it.

This one time...

We were in Fallujah literally the day after we were stopped so somewhere around April 10, 2004. I was on post and this guy named Romero, who was peruvian and stood about 5'2'' and had a very square head started to make fun of me about how I was a boot and I had to wear glasses and stuff. Yea this guy was retarded, I was like " I have been with you for like 8 months and you just barely notice this and decided to join the make fun of Allen bandwagon?" He gets into my bag and looks at the stuff I brought. He noticed the only things other than ammo and water was a copy of "The Outsiders". He made fun of the fact that I had a book. He then tied that into the fact that I wore glasses and was a boot, real original this one. So after about an hour and a half of his adult onset downs syndrome he left. I got off post and was told to go and "punk" him because he is acting all high and mighty for making fun of me for an hour. So I grab a MRE box and draw a face on it and walk over to his position and put it on. I started talking like him. I made fun of people for the most obvious and stupid things. He didn't really say much to me after that.

On a date...

So I had met this girl at a Barnes & Noble in Palm Desert one time. She was probably 5'7'' brunette and very attractive. We started to talk and one thing led to another I asked her for her number. She gave it to me and said to text before I called. She maybe working. I didn't know what she did we ddidn't get to that point. Well later that week I texted her and asked if she was busy and if she wanted to go get a coffee and go walk around the river thing down in Palm Springs. She replied " that would be lovely!" Well we meet up and go get coffee and she brings up the fact she had to be at work early this morning and she really doesn't like her job and she just wanted to go and soak up in a tub. My thought was " Im in" well I said what she needed was a pedicure (because I needed to get one done myself, I'm not gay. My feet take care of me so i should take care of them.) She was like " seriuous?" I mistakenly said " yes ma'am"... she knew. the immediate thought was this, " well you will never hear from her again, she knows you're a Jarhead." Well she was all for the pedi and we went off. Well we went and got food afterwords. We said goodbye and i went on my way fully expecting to never hear from her again. Well not even a day later I get a text, " my apartment, now..." Thats how I learned about what we like to call "cougars".

The Brandin' Iron...

If you're ever in San Bernadino and want to go to a "country" bar this is the place you go. I went a few times and ALWAYS had a great time, except for this time. I stand a 5'8'' and wiegh about 195 lbs right now. At that point I was a very lean and very handsome 178 lbs. Well I go with my friend Jessie K. and a one very large Miles Hill. Hill was a good old boy from Oklahoma and had a very thick accent. Well he introduced us to some women and the night was on. Our cover stories were that he was a personal trainer (for obviuos reasons) Jessie was a commercial farmer from Minnesota and I was a accounts representative from Universal studios in Florida. Well as the night goes on we get to know these girls pretty well. They were into us like it was nobodies business but it was cool. Well the girl that took an immediate fondness to me was a petite girl. Very cute and very brazen. We go dancing, we have a few drinks. She tells me that she is staying pretty close to the club and wanted me to take her back to her place. We all decide to continue the party over there. Well when we shw up this place is like something you see out of a movie. She had all sorts of cool stuff for me to mess with. Well continue to party and notice that we are missing someone. Miles was no where to be found. niether was the girl he was with. I get a text from him saying he was just down the road and that chicks place. Apparently she was a cop, or so he thought. That stuff ends up being her ex-boyfriends stuff that she stole. Well anyway one thing leads to another and we all go to bed. Well I get woken up by a loud string of curse words and stuff getting thrown around. Well I get out of bed naked as the day I was born. I get all of my clothes and head out the door to my car. Jessie was already down the road getting miles. We meet up and go get some food. I returned the car to the rental place drove back in Jessie's truck. Well actually we went to Fontana and bought little motorcylces and laughed about the night.

Why people hate Marines...

If you have spent sometime in a town near a military base specifically a Marine base you will find that Marines are despised by all the locals. Before I get into this subject I need STRONGLY stress that this isn't every Marine. Not all Marines act in this manner, these are just the apples that spoil the sauce. Marines are disliked for the following reasons, this list is not all inclusive but here it goes. Marines are, ass holes, cocky, violent, prone to infidelity, loud, dirty, unintelligent, very close minded. Tend to be the guy at the party that has no problem taking his pants off and eating all of your food, plug your toilet and blame it on the most attractive girl at the party, break something expensive and break a tool trying to fix it. Marines also like to destroy fine establishments, wreck cars, flip cars over, offend old women, shave cats, spit tobacco juice all over your house. Non-military men feel threatened by them because they are better looking, more masculine, all around more physically attractive than them.

Why people love Marines...

They are good looking.

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