Here we go again...

So here we go again. The dating scene...

You know I have never really had any trouble getting a date. I have never really had any trouble with women. That is until I came back to Utah. Granted I am not LDS, and I'm not rich. I have a few stikes against me due to my current situation. However, I don't see how they are all that bad.

Maybe I try to talk to much? I am a social creature. I like to talk with people, I like to go out and do fun things. I think that could be a bad habit? I don't know...

There are a few things that I look for. Obviously the first thing is the smile. I love a great smile, especially when I cause them. I find it most amusing to make someone laugh and feel relaxed. I love it!

I am a faithful person. I have to be, its just how I do things.

I actually do have a lot to offer someone. I am both brutally handsome and handy. I can fix most things and cook a great meal. Plus I am good at a few other things...

Whatever, dating sucks.

So we begin again...

So we begin to look again.

This time I am letting someone else guide me...

This time I'm thinking more about me...

This time I keep it separate from the other life...

This time I stay true to myself...

Confusion...

Why am I trying to do this? It's not like I want it to go anywhere. Sure I made some mistakes, I should have listened from the start. It's not going to to be the same as it was before, even though I want it to be. Or do I?

I don't know. Grrrrrr! I just want this to be easy. However, I'm Seth and nothing is easy...ever. I spoke my peace, I understand why it happened.

I have other things to focus on but I can't. Yes I can. I know I can...

There is a future out there for me...somewhere.

I have a lot of opportunities coming down the pipe. I have an interview, I have a meet and greet. Hopefully that shows some sort of promise. I need to find something else.

I'm not confused. I am going to be fine.

Why I do what I do...

So it has come time for me to re-focus and check my azimuth. Why am I here?

I am getting and education so I can provide for myself and someday probably a family type thing. I want to become a professional something that does work for those in some sort of need. Whether it being someone who was unfairly treated or someone who just needs some sort of legal assistance. I want to use my knowledge and work ethic to help. I don't care for the big bucks, I don't really care about the social status either. Like I have stated before integrity is important to me. I feel that happiness to me isn't about belongings. It's about being able to look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day without being disgusted. If you do things the right way sometimes you don't get a big pay off. However, somebody somewhere will notice it and they will remember you.

I am becoming an officer because I want to lead warriors. I am becoming an officer because I know that I can make a difference to somebody somewhere. I am training others to become officers because I owe it to those who have gone before and have inspired me to do the same. I know that it's not about me. I know that I come last for almost everything. I also know that when the time comes that I can't put my soldiers before me is when I need to go. I want to do this because it has given me so much and I need to pay it forward.

I am going to be true to Seth. I am going to "do me" for a while. That means I will do what I need to in order to feel right. I'm not out to ruin anybodies day or whatever. I'm just no longer accountable to anyone but myself. Yes I know I can still get in trouble but I won't. I will treat people the way they should be treated and move on. I have a purpose and I have the inspiration. I will come out on top and no one will stop me.

I have been through hell.

I have been through paradise.

I have seen things destroyed and all things nice.

I have lived and I have loved.

I have been to the top of the mountain and above.

I have flown through the air.

I have floated on the sea.

All of this belongs to me.

No one knows how it feels.

All of my wounds will heal.

The pain, the sadness, the guilt,

have all been covered by a quilt.

To be uncovered and displayed,

for those to see what I have paid.

I am stronger, I am wiser.

I will get up higher.

I will be on top...

So here it is...

So do you know anyone who doesn't have a backbone? I do. I know plenty of them. They are the ones who constantly take the easy way out. They use the same excuse for most of their activities, "I just wanted to avoid confrontation" or "it's just easier for me." Well those people can kiss my ass. People need to learn to do things the hard way sometimes. You only become refined by going through the fire.

I pride myself in the fact that I do have a back bone and that I live my life with integrity. There are so many things that can be taken away from you, but that is the only thing you can give away. I will give you the shirt off my back, I will give you my last $20...but I will not give away my integrity. Which goes back to my original point, the spineless have no integrity. They can kiss my ass as well.

I have a great opportunity to grow this year. I am going to take it and I am going to become the best that I can. I am going to see the best in Utah. I am going to out perform my cohorts in every facet that I can possible. I'm going to kill with kindness as well. Because it's how it's going to be done.

I may have been knocked down hard but I have gotten back up. Now I'm coming to kick the shit out of you and walk away with a smile. You want to see awesome...it's coming.

Out of this...

So out of this I have gained a new focus. I had to be brutally honest with myself as well. I have realized a few things.

I have an out. I have been trying to separate myself from the negativity and drama that has been surrounding me since the beginning of my time at school. It seemed to have been centered around a certain social group that I now have a good enough reason to keep at a professional level verses a social level. Also, with my previous situation I was always looked down upon for illegitimate reasons. I was unfairly judged and treated like a lesser person. So I have an out.

I can get back to being me. I don't have to buy anybody anything. I don't have to sit through stupid activities if I don't want to. I can be a little more picky as to who I help and who I don't. Plus I can cook for myself!!!

I started playing Kickball. Even though I just barely started, I find that the people I am around are on the same level as me. We all are around the same age!!! It's awesome. I can go out with them to the bar and I don't have to worry about someone thinking I'm only out for one thing. That's another thing, age does matter. It's not just a number, it is a whole maturity gap as well.

I have definitely become wiser as well. I know with even more authority what I am looking for.

I am second to only one.

I have been all over the world, I have been nowhere as well.

I have seen both heaven and have been dragged through hell.

I have the wisdom of a man many years my senior,

yet no matter what I do I can't seem to keep clear.

I will walk from this stronger and wiser,

and look for something that is much higher.

Something that wont go, something that wants to know.

Living my life and keeping my dream, isn't as easy as it may seem.

Love is fleeting, love is mean. With a new heart strong and clean,

I will take on the world and remain king.

I have looked through scope and have seen his face,

I have ended his life and feel no disgrace.

I watched the body fade away, on the dirty ground she did lay with the

screaming and commotion I ebb and flow just like the ocean.

The screams the cries, are strong enough to bring tears to the eyes.

I can see the future plain as day, the sky is heavy and has a shade of gray.

Small blue patch has caught my eye, that is happiness is the sky.

I will go for the blue, I will do it without you. I'm sorry...

No title...

Please be gentile with me. I may have a hard outside but its not me...

Before I leave...

I am going on a trip tomorrow and I think it will be good for me. I have come to understand that is over. I really don't wish it was this way, I really wish I could have this year with her.

I know that in time I will feel better, I also know that I have friends and family around to talk to. I feel bad talking to them though, I feel like I am annoying them. I feel like they don't need me to come and ruin their day with my shit.

The truth is this: I am hurt.

I need to get away for a bit to clear my mind and refocus my direction. I am moving on and I will face the situations as they come. If I get a chance to talk to her about this thing I'm not going to beg to be taken back...I have to much self-respect for that. I simply want to know what happened.