Saturday, December 18, 2010

Down time...

I have been through a lot in my life, I have experienced things that others wish they could and many things they hope to never be involved. A lot of the time I can keep a positive mental attitude about and see greener pastures, but sometimes I can't. This usually happens when I have down time...

Lately it has been about my future. I took a look back on my life and discovered that I am nowhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I thought by now I would be a successful something or other. I thought I would have a boat, a house, and a kick ass dog or something stupid like that. Well I don't own a dog, I live in house with 6 other dudes and the only boat I own is my ass and it has trouble floating. All of my friends that I grew up with are married and doing the "normal" thing in life. I think that would be nice...sometimes. I remember when I was younger and all I wanted to do was fly airplanes and be cool. I wanted to drive a motorcycle everywhere and surround myself with nothing but hot babes, I see that now and all that comes to mind is the word "tool" and I shutter. Hot women would be cool for like 3 minutes and a motorcycle for me right now would mean even higher insurance, I hate being an adult and seeing both sides of things.

Most of the people I go to school with are on average 4-5 years younger than me, it sucks. They are experiencing things that I did either a lot earlier or I have never had to experience. Most of the time I laugh and think about what their most probable course of action will be and shake my head when I am right. Sometimes they surprise me and do the exact opposite and I am impressed. I need to remember that the events that they are going through are a necessary evil in life and will help them grow. I need to realize that I should stop caring so much for others and turn the attention to myself.

I find that writing is a good way for me to think things through. As I write this blog I have realized that yes, I don't follow "the line" so to speak. I do things my way and I get to experience things that others don't get to and sit back in awe. Often times stuff doesn't work out how I think they will and it ends up being for the better. Just because I think one way will be best, doesn't mean it will and I am not in control. Yea, I'm not successful professional right now, I don't own a damn boat, and I don't have a dog who shits all over my backyard. That will come one day and so will that part of my life. Right now I am forging my future and a life that will be filled with adventure and let downs. It fucking happens, its the adventure along the way I should be excited for and not be focused on how my life is not really moving forward. I'm not married, I don't own a house, and thank God I don't have any kids. Could I be a Dad right now? No, I am immature, I don't care enough to give up my dreams to raise a little shit that I was a party to making. Good grief, me as a Dad? It scares me thinking about it...

You know what? Why am I down? I am happy, I am healthy, I have good people in my life even though sometimes I wonder if they may be a little handicapped. Sometimes I wonder if I'm handicapped as well, nah. Why am I thinking about the future and being sad? I have a ton of things I am going to do, I will go to Law School, I will get out of Utah, I will be someone someday. You can bet your hard earned dollar on that. So what I didn't take the route others did, so what I'm still in college. I don't follow the natural yet boring line in life. I have been able to do things that others only do in video games and on the weekends with they spend more money on it then I made doing and will make doing it. Nothing works out for me like I think they will and it ends up being better anyway.

So I will ride this out just like I always do and focus on the good things and take the bad things and learn from them then beat the shit out of them. I may not become a doctor, engineer, professional athlete, President of the United States, a movie star or whatever. I will still be awesome, I will still be classy.

Why am I down? Forget it, I have shit to do.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I remember when I first left for Iraq in 2004, we were sleeping in the airport in Okinawa. I was wondering what it was going to be like when we got there. Everyone who was there not even a year before wasn't really saying much other than it smelled and they hoped we would get into some serious shit. I was going over the notes I had taken from all the briefs we had taken and practicing some of the basic Arabic that I was taught. I was reminding myself not to wave with my left hand, don't show the bottum of my boot and not to talk to the women. I was going over the major holidays that were supposed to be observed while were there, and trying to remember the major differences Sunni and Shi'ites. The company XO Lt. Bann (now a Major) would always come and talk with me and praised me for my willingness to educate myself. He said if I performed well that a lot of awards would come my way and I would have a bright future in the military. He also informed me that it wasn't important if I got to shoot someone and that it didn't mean I was a weak Marine if I didn't. I remember my team leader telling me that if I ever hesitated or did something to fuck everything up he would shoot me himself. I was really nervous to say the least.
When we actually arrived in Al Asad I remember talking to a Sergeant from the ACR unit we relieved, I told him where we going and he merely shook his head and said "good luck", the look on his face was worn and worrisome. Apparently no one really ever went through the small town and made it out without some sort of incident. I didn't really think much of it because I was pretty naive at the time. I was bullet proof. We PT'ed everyday and trained all the time, my first experience outside the wire was doing IED clearing, the old school way. Walking in an echelon formation for miles down the roads in western Iraq. We didn't encounter anyone or anything ever and it was quite boring. That went on until we got the order to move to Rawah. This town that sat along the Euphrates river on a peninsula. We left Al Asad in the middle of the night and drove until we came to a stop where we dismounted and set up for the night. Engineers began to build the berms of our patrol base and the grunts patrolled the city. This was a new experience for me. Not only was I in a foreign country, but I had a gun and I was scared beyond measure.
We patrolled the city for like 6 weeks and nothing really happened. Except we went on raid with SEAL's and some other spooky people. The truck I was on got hit by an IED and it destroyed the front half of the vehicle. It was exciting and scary at the same time. We stole this HMMWV from some engineer platoon at our CP. Lobos was laughing as we set up security on the truck to wait for the tow truck. It came and we made it back to the patrol base, Lobo's left a note on the truck and it said, "Thanks for the truck and sorry about the window", the window was cracked...

I often think about the stupid shit we would do to kill boredom and time. I remember filling sand bags for hours and hours and not complaining because it was something to do.
While in Fallujah we would sit on the roofs and have dance parties, these were both awesome and extremely stupid at the same time. We would hear the same song over and over again. EW would write love letters to our girlfriends back home and talk about what we were going to do when we got home. I remember moving charred bodies and not thinking anything of them, they weren't people, they weren't someones relative. They were masses of burnt shit I had to move because I was a boot and thats what I did. I think back to how much destructive power I had issued to me and it still amazes me to this day. I remember the fight being so intense that you could literally see the air around us darken with the lead flying through the air. You could feel the heat from the fires burning and the smell of the explosive in the air. Oddly enough, I was more concerned about my feet hurting like a son of a bitch and being very thirsty. My team leader was nowhere to be found and often it Naga and myself just going through houses and piggy backing with other teams. I knew I was an annoyance to him but he took care of me, he taught me so much that I can't even begin to tell you.

I often think about how life was so different for me then. I tend to stop realizing that it was just a few short years ago that I was sitting in a house in the middle of Hit wondering what my friends back home were doing for New Years while I was walking around in armor. I laugh at switching from "Pride and Prejudice" to an issue of "Hustler" debating on which one was higher in quality. The most exciting event was pork riblets for dinner and picking on Spencer because he was Jewish and couldn't eat. Mordichi Spencer was his name, he was wall eyed and very Jewish. He had a lof of patience and a good sense of humor. I remember syran wrapping him to his rack and putting a cross at the head of it and watching him wake up and start laughing.

As a sniper you often think of your job as a hunt. You hunt the enemy, you make the situation as to best benefit you and your team. Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "There is no hunting like the hunting of man...", he was right. It's kind of daunting to think about it now. People are complex creatures, especially if they know they are being hunted. You begin to notice things about people that others do not. You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they talk to you. You can feel the insincerity in their speech when they say the empathize with you. You begin to notice patterns and behaviors. I don't know where I am going with this...

I can't help but look to the future and get excited. I have had damn good time thus far and I know its only going to get more interesting for me. I hope some people stay in my life and there are some that I can't wait until I no longer have to see them again. To all I wish the best of luck, to those I hope that stay I say hold on, it's going to be an awesome ride...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Another vent...

So while everyone else was enjoying turkey this Thanksgiving I was coked out of my mind. I hurt myself working out and now I am paying the consequences. My pushups have dropped dramatically and I can't even support myself on my right arm. I did get to see some dear friends of mine over the break and it was fun...from what I remember. So all I can do is wait on my arm to get better and hopefully not lose to much strength in my chest and shoulder.

I also was told something; and to be honest, it hurt my feelings. I'm not going to get into it to deep because it isn't true and not worth writing about. I will say this though, anyone who knows me and knows me well laugh at that statement. They wonder how that can even be thought of when it comes to me. When we go out, I'm always the first one to start talking to strangers, I am the first one to crack a joke. I usually have a smile on my face unless something is bugging me. I was just trying to be polite because I tend to become the life of the party.

I need to figure some things out about my life. What do I want to do with it? Where do I want to go? Will I ever be happy? Don't get me wrong I am happy right now just not satisfied. That I think will never happen. I have thought about the person I used to be and how hard I have had to work to change it. I did things the right way and almost got something dear to me taken away because of another situation which I had no control over.

I have been having the same dream over and over again, the burning trucks and the screaming people. Just without the lady telling me to keep smiling, I wish she was here to talk to me. The sites, the smells, the feelings are all there. Extremely vivid and repeating over and over again. The one young Pfc. who was rocking back and forth with her rifle muttering those words I will never forget, "He was smiling". I don't want them to go away because it reminds me of what's important and how fortunate I am to be here today.

I didn't get the "normal" childhood experience, but fuck it. That doesn't define me. I am the guy you wish more men would be like. Live my life, walk in my boots, sleep where I have slept, and do the things I have done. You think you know me? More than likely you do know me quite well and you know I am smiling as I write this.

Alright, I'm done. I'm going to go get a drink of water!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I just want you to know...

There is someone that I care deeply for. She makes me happy, she makes me smile. She is definitely one of the best things to enter my life. I wish this she could know how much she means to me. Just merely telling them isn't enough. I wish I was strong enough to really let her know just how I feel. I wish I could let my walls down around her more so I would smile. I don't know why I can't. I feel afraid.

She is much smarter than me, this person is all around just better than me. I wish I had the abilities of her. She is going to be very successful and very important one day. She is already important to me, she is definitely successful in my mind. I just hope she will keep me in her life in one fashion or another.

I will work on being stronger for her. I will try to let her know what she means to me.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

To understand...

To understand what we do,
it may be fleeting for someone like you.
We go through hell, we go through fright,
we do it because we long for the fight.
I get up, wake up, look around,
and solace is never to be found.
I don't feel safe I don't feel calm,
yet you place your hand in my palm.
You tell me you are there,
you tell me that you care.
I truly wish you could know,
I wish that I didn't have these scars to show.
We cry for the fallen, we celebrate the standing,
even though for some they never see the angels landing.
We drink down the pain,
hoping for something to gain.
We leave the ones we love,
sometimes only to come back to the one above.
The cries at night only serve to ease,
for it is you I aim to please.
I come back strong yet I come back scared,
for I am the only one who dared.
They look at me like a fool,
even though it is them that is the tool.
I ask you to understand,
and you slowly grab my hand.
You tell me you are proud,
you tell me you are grateful.
I wonder if its true,
or if you say it just to be cool.
The battle home is lonely road,
sometimes you find someone to help with the load.
They have seen the things,
they have done the deeds,
They understand your needs.
You call them a brother,
you call them a friend.
You both know only the dead see the end.
People at school and work will never understand,
that's alright for you have chosen to lend a hand.
Everyday you look at the world through different eyes,
you find those who tend to despise.
You let them bug you for a bit,
you are looking for a chance to hit.
You figure it isn't worth it,
for they don't amount to shit.
You go to the one you love,
and take her and hold her tight.
She knows the soft side of you,
he knows the gentle hand you lay upon his chest.
Yet they will never see the rest.
They will never be in the dirt,
they can't begin to imagine the hurt.
That's okay its not for them,
we are the ones who know.
We are the ones that go.
You will never understand,
what it really means to lend a hand...

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The face I see...

I see the man's face so very clear,
I see it as if it were right here.
He looks at me with sadness and grief,
he looks at me like I am but a thief.
I wonder why he comes around,
for his place is in the ground.
I remember the moment that called for death,
600 out and a little bit left.
I pull the trigger and and release my breath.
I watch him twist I watch him fall,
and I think to myself, is that all?
I never see him again but only in my sleep,
ever so often I wake up to a slight weep.
He talks to me like we are friends he talks to me deep,
he asks me why I put him to sleep.
I tell him it's you or me,
and my life is not ready to flee.
He say's he didn't want to die
and I simply answer with neither do I.
He had a family, a boy, a girl, a wife.
I have the rest of my life...

Monday, September 20, 2010


So I have been home from Egypt for quite some time now. I miss that place, with my heart and my soul. I miss being around people that come from very different backgrounds. I miss going out and talking to people that have no idea about the place that I call home. I miss being around people that appreciate me for who I am. I'm not saying that I don't love those around me... because I do. I'm just saying it's nice to be around people that want to get to know you.

This year has the potential of being a great year for me as well as many of my friends. Already many are learning where they will be going in the near future, I am so excited for them!! For those who are going to be joining the ranks of my brothers in the field of battle, all I'm going to say is this, I hope you are ready. It's a definite change, both emotionally and physically. For the rest, I am excited for you.

I have been having some dreams lately that I haven't had in a while, they aren't near as intense as they use to be but they are still there. They remind me of how lucky I really am to be alive. I am also very lucky to have the people I do in my life. They are lifeblood to me.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I don't know why I feel the way I do. It wasn't good last time, I didn't get anything out of it. I was made of fool of. They take advantage and get away with it. I do things for you I don't normally do. I extend myself to you more than you deserve. Who do you think you are?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

So I took my first quiz today... I want to cry.

Oh well, I will pick myself up and dust my shoulders and knees off. I definitely need to devote more time to school work and my fitness. I have been lazy since I got here. I haven't been running like I need to be, there isn't much of a gym here at the dorms. Egyptians don't have the same attitude towards physical fitness as we do. It's cool though, its the culture.

I'm finding that when I get bored I get down on my situation, as in I'm going to be 26 next month and I'm "behind" the times. With the being married and kids thing. Then the other night we were talking over dinner and I found out that most Egyptian men don't get married until they are 30 or so. That is awesome!!!! I realize that the whole "get married and have babies" ideal is just not for me at this time in my life. I want to do so many things before I have to answer to a wife and kid(s).

Those are :

1- Do something really bad ass with the military

2- Go to Europe

3- Work on a ranch for a bit

4- Buy a house

5- Drive a nice car

6- Run an adventure race

7- Law School?

8- Write a book?

9- Blow some shit up

Obviously there is more, I just can't think of anything else right now.

Egypt is awesome and I thank God for this opportunity.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Hey Hey Hey!!!!

So as many people know I am in Egypt. This country is amazing, and so are the people I am here with. We are here for 7 weeks in order to learn the language of Daud... Arabic.

My experience in the language isn't near as vast as I once thought. The crap they taught me in the Marine Corps is pretty much what I just said...crap. I have learned that there are two facets to the language, those being Foussou and Aramia ( I may have mispelled them). Foussou is the written language but it tends to be spoken in formal settings, where as Aramia is the local Egyption (mSreen) dialect.

My teachers are pretty much what I thought they would be, firm yet willing to teach. We as American students have been spoiled and kind of fucked over by our teachers. They (not all) have focused on our emotional well being, I mean they want us to feel good about ourselves. While these teachers are all about carrying your load. I am enjoying my time here so far.

When I stepped off the plane the distinct smell of Arab hit me. It was like I had landed in Ali A Saleem in Kuwiat one more time. Even more so when I would hit the deck in Al Asad in Western Iraq. There are quite a few differences though, one being the absence of road side bombs. Thank God. Another being that Egypt as a whole is more liberal with its culture. Women not only dress how they feel, but they drive cars as well. There are quite a few more but I don't want to sit here and list them all. I am enjoying this time...

We went to the beach the other day, I had a blast. The girls that went with us didn't have so much fun though. They got groped whilst swimming in the Mediterranean. Thats right, I swam in the Med!!!!! Yes, that makes me better than you. It sucks that it happened but in all fairness we were all warned. I know that these people have no idea of personal space or that American women have no problem castrating a man in his sleep for beating them. Hopefully that is the only situation like that to happen. Well, actually I guess some girls got flashed by some dude. I guess he just got their attention and starting masterbating. Thats disgusting, but it happens in Americaland as well.

Well that is all for now.

Alaykum Sala!!

Monday, May 31, 2010

My memorial day...

I remember when life was simple. I remember waking up to go to school and to see the people that I associated with Monday through Friday. I remember long hot summers filled with football and fake people who thought they were going on to bigger and better through said sport. I remember going out on dates in high school in my moms car, all with LDS girls who wanted a "break" from that life. Those were the days of "innocence", those were the days where we could laugh and live without thinking about the consequences. We didn't have bills to pay, we didn't have to worry about where we were going to sleep that night. The biggest worry was passing Ms. Snow's English class or if I had clean compression shorts for wrestling practice. Now its making a car payment on time, or taking care of rent.

I remember when I finally checked out of Alta, it was bitter sweet. Well, lets be honest. It was the sweetest thing I have ever encountered. I was literally saying, "fuck you, and the people who are still there" as I walked back home. I was so happy to be leaving that place, to be leaving Utah. I was about to start a whole new life. I didn't do much before I left, other than hang out with my then girlfriend and work out. I remember April 13 fondly, I spent the night in the sauna at the hotel. I was like 4 pounds over weight and my recruiter was worried so he stayed and made sure I sweated it all out. The next morning I weighed in 15 pounds under what I needed to be. Before that though was hard. My family was in town and they came to see me off along with my girlfriend. That sucked. I have never been so scared. I was literally shaking the entire time. After they left I began to sweat. I was in the sauna doing up/downs like in the wrestling room. I even did the Wyoming shuffle (for all the Alta wrestlers!). We woke up the next morning to go to MEPS. That sucked even more, it was real. I was leaving and there was nothing I could or wanted to do now. After everyone left we ate lunch and drove to the airport.

When you go to MCRD San Diego they put you on a plane and you fly into San Diego, the airport shares a fence line with the Recruit Depot. Its surreal seeing the rappelling tower with big lettering USMC on it. You go to USO and hang out for a bit. A very large black man with a "Smokey Bear" hat came in and said, " if you are here for Marine Corps boot camp, get your god damned nasty bitch ass outside. I swear to God almighty I will fuck you up if you run away. I don't have the time or the inclination to deal with your mommy and daddy fairytale fed ass!!! FUCKING MOVE!!!!!!!" That is where it began.

I remember the night before we graduated, one of the Drill Instructors came in and made us get out of bed. He was obviously drunk, and had something to say. He told us about how we were more than likely going to go somewhere and shoot people. He told us about how we haven't really changed and that we would when that time came. He told us that the lessons we learned here will be life long and be true to those who have gone before and died. For some reason he came up to me and told me that I had a lot to live up too. I remember he told me this, "Even though you're short and kind of quiet, I know you have the ability to be deadly", i still have no idea what he meant by that. We all went to bed after he went into the DI hut and we heard a crash. I didn't sleep a wink that night. I was so nervous as to what was going to happen to me over the next four or so years of my life.

I remember one night in Al Asad. We had just come back from a route clearing mission. This was the old school way, everyone gets on line and walks for like 5 miles. We didn't see anything other than some pictures on bridges of trucks and shit. Well the week prior to this mission we were creating a massive terrain model of Rawah, the city we were going to. Well I was laying in my rack listening to Nagashima's radio which was always on and tuned to BBC radio. When this loud roar went over head followed by a ground shaking boom. We were getting rockets shot at us. I put my gear on, and I remember saying "this shit isn't cool anymore." Naga simply handed me my rifle and we went to the birm. We didn't see anything.

I remember the company firmbase south of the peninsula of Rawah. We were in a open pit gypsum mine so it seemed. The sand was so dusty it made it hard to fill sand bags. The conditions were horrible, dust was getting everywhere. I cleaned my rifle like 14 times a day. We would go through the town and nothing would happen. We didn't get shot at once, until one night. We got lit up pretty good, it definitely made me realize where I was and what i was doing.

I remember laying on the rooftop. I was covering myself with a blanket hoping it would give me more protection from bullets. I remember removing it because that was just a stupid idea, i noticed the tracers going over head. Ours are red, the enemy's were green or some other color. All I saw was green. I remember seeing rounds hitting the wall above my head and the rock and mortar falling on top of me. I remember during the day watching an RPG fly over my head and bounce off the roof directly behind me like 10 feet away. It didn't blow up. I remember everything being quiet, I remember Ill Will hitting gold balls into the city. I remember Clark and I filling a refrigerator with diesel fuel and lighting it on fire, that was a big fire and the smoke was black. I remember the bodies in the street, I remember watching cats eating the bodies as well. I remember watching a guy run away with his finger in his side hoping to stop the bleeding. I remember watching one of the snipers braining a dude on a bike.

I remember patrolling through Fallujah in the middle if the night, you could hear the coughs of sick children. I remember thinking this was the coolest thing in the world. I remember raiding houses in the middle of the night and finding nothing but sleeping families and the fearful women as we roughed up the men for acting tough. I remember following a woman to her baby so she could comfort her newly born child and her asking me to not point my gun at her. I remember pointing the barrel down and realizing that I pointed it at her without thinking a thing. I took off my helmet and gave her some powdered milk that I took from our supply. I remember the fear in her eyes, I remember just wanting to take it all off and sitting down to watch her with her child. I remember feeling horrible about the whole situation. This was just some family we woke up in the middle if the night because we were going off information from another neighbor. The next day we went back the neighbors house and uncovered a small weapons cache. Plus a large sum of money, I took some and handed it to the young mother and told her I was sorry.

I remember the 7-ton truck on its side. I remember the ear on the ground. I remember that like it was yesterday.

I remember coming home my last time and feeling empty. Like I had no reason to do anything. I was getting out and going to college, because that's what you do. I remember feeling that I had nothing to live for anymore. I was just merely a pawn in life, I was falling into the "normal" person pipeline. I was going to go college and get a degree, get married, and have babies. I remember finding the anti-anxiety medication and getting angty that they weren't working. I remember drinking by myself and staring at the wall listening to my girlfriends TV. I remember asking myself, " So this is life? Fuck this shit." I remember going to work and contemplating burning the mans shop down because he knew nothing of what it was like to kill a man. I remember coming home after the year was out and working for Tim. I remember looking at my girlfriend and realizing how fucked up I was. I remember looking at her and realizing how fucked up she was. I looked in the mirror and saw what my body had become, I began to cry.

I remember telling myself that I wasn't a victim, I am a survivor. I chose the life I lead. I remember going to see Ray and talking to him about my feelings. I remember telling him abut the fighting, the carnage, the anger I felt. I told him that I never felt like ending it all, which is very true. I can honestly say I have never thought about suicide. I remember telling him that I was tired of this and I wasn't going to live with it anymore.

I remember my brothers who aren't here, and I miss them. I don't drown the sadness in alcohol because for some reason I don't think they want me to do that. I remember drinking and people looking at me in disappointment. It's like I'm hearing, "what the fuck Allen" all over again. Why are you doing this? Why can't we have one person who doesn't follow the crowd?
I'm not going into the whole. " Memorial Day is another long weekend to some, while its something else to others" bit. I'm simply just stating what this Memorial Day is to me.

I don't really buy into the whole "I deserve, because I did" train of thought simply because I feel it is stupid. I made my choices and you made yours, I don't look down on you for not going my route and I hope you don't look down on me for mine. My experiences and my feelings are just that, mine. I hope they will shape me to become the man I hope to one day be.

To my brothers who I have fought with, I say Semper Fidelis. To my sisters who have gone forth to a job as well I say, Semper Fidelis. To the person who speaks out against me, I say Semper Fidelis. To those who have no idea what its like to go forth and do the things we have done I say, Hi! I'm Seth and its nice to meet you. I look forward to being friends with you.

I remember asking God to take the sorrow and dreams and do with them what he will. I don't have a majority of the dreams anymore except the one. I no longer feel the deep sorrow, but I feel some. I don't feel guilty about coming out relatively unharmed, but i feel blessed. I feel that I have the ability to show the world that even though we have a lot of pain that it will eventually be ok. I feel love again, love for my family, for my friends, and for those who don't have much love in their lives.

That is my Memorial Day.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Just so you know...

I love you and value you as a person.

I tend to keep to myself a lot of my feelings, except for some I express on here. I want you to know that I feel your pain, I want you to know you aren't alone. Even though I tend to come off as not friendly I really am easy to talk to. I want to see you succeed, I want to see you push yourself beyond your limits.

We all have our stories, we all have or trial and tribulations. I may not be right there with with you, but I'm there. If you need me to share the load just let me know. I always have room in my pack for a friend in need. I wont hold it against you, I wont expect it in return. Sometimes we all need a little help. I know this, because I need help too.

I will be the first to give it to you straight and I want you to do the same for me. Don't beat around the bush because you know I won't.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't expect you to be perfect because I am far from it. I don't expect you to listen to everything I have to say. I don't expect you to be there every time I need you to be. However, don't come to me when everything is bad. Come to me when its good too. Be genuine with me, because I am to you.

I love you and value you as a person. I respect you for what you are, not for what you are not.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't care if you aren't tough, I don't care if you think you are weak. Those can be changed, if you willingly want to change that. You can be tough and strong and still feel for people and situations. In fact you have to be to do those things. It take a strong person to feel for someone, it takes a tough person to want to be there for someone. It also takes a strong and tough person to tell someone that they will no longer put up with someones shit. Because sometimes, you just have to cut off the branch that has the disease in order to save the bush.

I love you and value you as a person. I like your weird quirks. It makes you special to me. if you were like everyone else you would be everyone else. I love you for you.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't compare you to me. You aren't me, I am me. There are many Seth Allen's in this world but there is only one me. We have made many different choices in our lives, mine have put me in different places. You can't compare apples to chickens can you?

I love you and value you as a person.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Something that annoys me.

When people come around when their life is in the dumps. Then when it gets better they kick you to the curb.

Do me a favor, go find someone else's shoulder to cry on. I have two of them and I want to save them for people who actually deserve it.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I don't know how much longer I can work at the group home. I love the job and I love the kids, but I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how many more boys I can watch hurt themselves, I don't know how much disappointment I can see. These boys try so hard to make themselves and family life better. To only be met with disappointment and sorrow. There is no better feeling then to see a boy who comes in angry and hurt make a turn in his life and actually be happy. Its something to see when a family who can't go 5 minutes on the phone without mom starting to cry and dad calling the boy a "little fucking curse" to actually having them come and laugh and smile together. It's even better when the family sends you (personally) a card telling you how much they appreciate what you have done. The down side which is the most common is the disappointment and sorrow...

I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm sure I'm there for some reason, I just don't know it yet and probably wont until I am a father myself.

Its really hard to not have some sort of emotional investment in the kids I work with. In fact, you kind of have to. If you do this job and you don't feel anything then you better do the kids a favor and leave.

I have been blessed with many opportunities in my life. Some aren't good, but still it has exposed me to things that most people don't get to experience. I didn't get the "Brady Bunch" family upbringing that one would love. We had many trials and tribulations in my family. However, I know when I have a family of my own I will look at whats going on and be able to stick it out.

I have been trying to go to church more and more. I am turning things over to God and just letting them be. Its odd though, I have been to a few churches here and not many have given me the welcoming feeling that one should get. Except for the church I grew up in. That's weird to me because this is the same church that turned its back on my family when things got really bad at home. The new "hip" church in town doesn't even give me a feeling of God being present in the church. I knew it was coming before many of my friends did. However, even when I came home and went to one of the first services I didn't feel anything. I went to said church today and literally felt someone telling me to leave. It told me this isn't the place for you. I have nothing against this congregation I just don't feel it is the place for me. It's young and upbeat and for all intents and purposes it would be the "cool" place to go. Just not for me.

I went to home today for Mother's Day and cooked for my mama! I love that woman. If I ever meet a woman that is a fraction of the woman she is, I would marry her in a heart beat.

I have had a lot of friends commission this week. All I really have to say to them is this. Be human. You are dealing with human beings and not robots. Don't you ever forget that. Don't ever let me hear you call any of them "stupid." Granted they may not make the best decisions but neither have you. If you are single, stay that way. Getting married is the dumbest thing you can do. You will be gone for the first few years you are in. You have training to complete and a lot of learning to do. I know you feel like you have the tools necessary to lead and you do, you just don't have the slightest clue on how to use them yet. For hells sake, leave work at work. If you are having trouble with your soldiers don't take it out on your partner. Don't be afraid to ask for help. As an NCO I would have more respect for you if you were to come up to me and say, "Hey, I'm not sure what the best solution is" I will see that you have confidence in me and will empower me. From that I can gain trust in you and in return take care of you. Another thing, let me take care of my soldiers/Marines...

I went out with some of my lady friends this last weekend. I like these ladies a lot. One in particular just suffered a great loss. It's really hard for her right now, but I know in time she will be ok. She is a strong woman, her daughter is going to play soccer in Kansas. I like being around them because I know my genuineness will be taken for real. I can be myself around them and I know they don't think I have some ulterior motive. They have been around a while and can see through bullshit. So I know that me being real is ok. I just wish women my age would and could appreciate that. They say they do, but we all know you just think I'm some sort of player. My friend, its going to be hard for a while, but you will be ok. I know it. Whatever happens with the other portion of the loss is rough too, but remember that in time it will take care of its self. If the bad outcome happens, just remember that those who use others for their own benefit will fall face first in time. Not to repeat what is previously said, but I really enjoy these ladies. Its good for both me and them. I don't have to put up some sort of front to be around them and they are real with me. Its a good change, I hope I can learn a lot from them. I will send them some nice messages this week.

I'm really excited about going to Egypt. Again, if it wasn't for my parents I wouldn't go. They see that this an opportunity for me and the have helped me out. I will hopefully pay them back in both monetary means and with pride. This will help me become the man I want to be. I have lived a very interesting life so far and I realize my best days haven't even approached yet.

I'm still finding myself lonely, but only for a minute. I know right now this is how God wants it for me. I'm sure he has someone looking for me as I am looking for them. I just think he is molding me so that I can be the man they need me to be. Its like a carpenter finishing a very expensive piece for a customer, he wants it to be just right. I'm really starting to see what i used to find attractive to be quite revolting. Maybe its me growing up I don't know.

Well I'm going to bed now. I have a run to make tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My personal add:

25 y/o white male looking for a 23-27 y/o fit female. I have little to no money, I am what some consider short. I live in basement downtown, and my roommate likes hot dogs. I spend close to 4 hours a day working out, I don't watch a lot of movies. I hate kids, they are sticky and they smell. I hate cats, they creep me out. I screw like an animal, and love like a saint. I tend to be obnoxious and flat out rude. I get drunk at inappropriate times and laugh at funerals. I am rarely romantic, you literally have to tell me what to buy you for your birthday. I have no problem telling you no. I have no problem standing up for myself, so I dare you to try me. I don't like fat chicks, I don't like skanks. I have been stabbed, beaten with a beer bottle, life threatened on many occasions, pretty much been through the ringer. I don't talk about ex's, I wont ask you how many guys you have been with because I don't want to have answer the same question, put it this way,too many. I don't talk about ex's they are that for a reason. I don't stay mad for long and generally rubbing my hair gets me over it pretty quick. There is no better gift to me then new underwear and socks. I don't find taller women intimidating, I don't find smarter women intimidating. I wont hit you, so don't hit me. I am generally easy to please. I find there is nothing sexier than a black bra and thong. The age limit is set.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The question is this, should I keep being the nice guy?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

So I'm going to vent...

So, I was totally going to go off on how I hate women because they are all crazy and what not. I decided against it, it will leave me angry and bitter. I don't like to be angry or bitter. So instead, I'm going to say what I like about women, and what I look for in a girl as well. This will make me be in a good mood and the little obese Asian baby won't come and make fun of me in my sleep.

So lets just get it out there, I love to look at the feminine figure. Both clothed and unclothed. I have to be honest with myself, so if this offends you sorry. There is just something about the fit female body that baffles me. Its like an artist took extra care in sculpting it. I love the way they walk, I love the way they talk. I love it when a woman walks into a room and she has the "I'm here to kick some ass" look. The confidence that is found within just drives me up a wall. I love having a meaningful conversation with a woman, they usually make you see things from a different perspective. I love how they can be mad at you and curse you out while they do something else, it amazes me. It's like you are tearing me to peaces and cleaning the room at the same time, I can't do that shit. I love how I can be vulnerable around you when we are close enough and you won't take it as a sign of weakness and crush me. I love how with one look you can turn me from a hardened ass to a soft caring something or other. Even I feel the need to take off my armor every now and then. I love how you can go from pissed off at me and the world to happy and relaxed by something little like a flower made from construction paper. (It would more than likely just look like a wadded up peace of paper coming from me). I love it when you lay next to me and put your head on my chest and you hand in mine. I love it.

I could make a list on things I look for, but honestly I don't want too. I realize the whole love thing is a two way street, she has to feel the same way as I do. I'm not the typical guy, the life I have lived and have chosen to live isn't normal. I have some very good examples in my life and I want to take the lessons learned from them and put them to use. I have also seen a lot of not so good things come out of me and others which I will fight like hell to keep from doing.

I know it is just a matter of time, she will walk into my life and knock me off my feet. Until then, I will keep being the man I am.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Lessons learned...

So many of my friends know that I work in a therapeutic home for teenage boys. If you ever follow my status updates on Saturdays I either say I'm going to bury a few or I put up funny conversation that I have had at some point during the day. I for one will not be making a career for myself in this field. It is a very hard job, you can only hear so many stories of physical, sexual, mental abuse and neglect before it really starts to eat at you. Plus for me, it has made me Leary of ever having children. I know that fear is pretty unsubstantiated due to the fact that these kids only represent a very small population of children today. However, do my job and tell me different.

We have kids from all walks of life. We have had kids from very poor backgrounds to kids who come from homes where they have their own assistants at the age of 14. We have kids that have been abused to the point where it has left hideous scars all over their bodies to kids who were molested by people who were supposed to care for them. We have kids who go so far into the drug scene that they literally become a cancer to their own families and have torn them apart.

It has been both a very fun and very stressful job. i have learned a lot from these boys and if there was anyway to thank them i would do it 1000 times over. I can only hope that i have been a good example to these boys, even though I know I am no saint.

I like to think that I am a tough son of a bitch and that not much can get me. I don't like to admit when I'm hurt both physically and emotionally. I don't like to be vulnerable around people especially women and people I look up too. I have had to learn that being this way isn't good. i have had to learn that approaching someone with your arms figuratively crossed is just like approaching with a large knife. Here are a few stories...

We have this one kid who I will call Shrek. He is a very big boy. I remember hearing about how he came to us. His parents drove him from the mid west, he was bullying and using drugs. He also was well behind his peers in school and had many anger issues. He was literally dragged into the house by two cops. He was super angry threatening everyone and just being Shrek. Well it took a few months of me working there and him getting the chance to go home for the two of us to butt heads. Well I remember how everyone would tell me to make him take a shower. He smelled so bad, that's why I never really wanted anything to do with him. He never showered, I remember seeing his boxers and damn near throwing up. They were beyond soiled and you could smell them from the hallway. I remember the boys were picking on him about smelling so bad, they wouldn't let him sleep in the room with them, they wouldn't let him sit on the couches to watch a movie either. Well I told him to go shower then come back and he could have my seat. He told me to go fuck myself and to make him shower. Well that set me off. I got up and walked right over to him, and it came out. It's rare for me to really tear into someone to the extent i was about too. I remember telling him that there is a reason the boys treat him like they do, they weren't afraid of him and they were tired of his constant stankness. (I actually used that word.) He took a step closer to me and said he was about to hit me. So naturally I said the following, " I fucking dare you. I will put your fat stinky ass in the grass you fucking pig. Then after that I will drag you by your dingy mop top outside and hose you off like the dog you are. You fucking stink Shrek, if i have parents telling me this its obviously a problem for other people to you selfish giant fuck." He looked like he was going to hit me hard, and by his size I really think he could have killed me. I'm not making this up, this is a big boy and his fists are huge. Well instead of him hitting me he ran off to his room. He slammed the door, which set me off again. So I followed him up the stairs for round two. Well after I got the door unstuck I walked into the room. Shrek was nowhere to be seen. The window was open, but there is no way his large frame was getting through the 6" slip. I looked around and didn't see him. Then I heard it. A whimper, it came from the the closet. His giant feet were sticking out from under a pile of clothing. He had covered himself in clothing and was crying. My immediate thought was "what have I done." I said, "Shrek, what are you doing?" Her replied. "go away." I couldn't think of anything to say except, "I'm not here to yell at you anymore", Shrek,"Yea, you did a good job downstairs." Me," Listen bud..." Shrek,"I don't want to hear it. You really hurt my feelings, you really scared me." Me, "I uh I...I" Shrek, "Do you have any idea what is like to be me? I can't help that I'm bigger than everyone. I can't help that I am afraid to shower. You don't know Seth. You don't know. Just leave me alone." Me," I can't leave you alone, we have to talk this out. This is a problem bud. If you are afraid of showering here I need to know these things. i need to know who is doing what to you." Shrek," No one is doing anything to me here, I just don't want to get burned by the water. You don't know..." I found out why he was afraid, don't ever let me hear about you forcing a child into scolding water. Well after I read that I went back to his room. He was uncovered but still in the closet. Me," Hey, I'm not really to good at this apologizing thing. I'm sorry I said the things I did. I just want you to know I would never deliberately try to hurt you. It's not my nature to fight. If I feel threatened though, like I did. I will protect myself though. I honestly care a lot about you Shrek. I want to see you get ahead. I know about the things your dad says to you. I know about how all you "friends" treat you. I also know why your afraid of the water. I'm afraid of water too. I hate deep water where I can't see the bottom. My dad use to tell me I wasn't going to be able to do much either because I was smaller than everyone. He also didn't show up to anything for me as well. So i do know a little bit. So here is what I'm going to do. From here out, when I feel that I'm about to blow up at you; I'm going to tell you to go to your room or go somewhere else. I will calm down and we can talk. I can't promise that I won't yell or swear at you but I will promise that I will try really hard to stop before I get bad. From you I need you to try to shower more often and be cleaner. If you need me to teach you anything just ask. I will teach what you need to know. You also need to tell me if you need a time out. Is that something we can do together?" Shrek," Yea, I'm sorry too." He got up and I gave him a hug, which almost killed me.

Shrek is still here. He doesn't smell as bad, and when I work he usually has better days. In fact, its been said that he really looks forward to Saturdays! Shrek is an interesting kid. He is super emotional and super big. He gets mad and threatens, but you can count to 7 and he starts to cry. I really like him and I hope he does well when he leaves our program. I still look back on that day, I have never in my wildest imagination thought I was capable of being like that. The boys told me later that my eyes literally turned dark and the veins on my arms and neck were bulging. They spoke the their respective therapists about it, they said they didn't feel threatened, They actually felt like someone cared for them and Shrek. Which is good they said that because I would have gotten fired.

Every now and then Shrek and I will take a drive somewhere and just chat. Even though he is a giant, he still is just a scared little boy. Seriously, every time I think about him i imagine him walking up the stairs in cover all pajamas and a stuffed bear. It makes me smile thinking about it. He is scared about going home, he is scared about talking with his dad. Just like me... All he has ever wanted was for his dad to be proud of him. His dad no longer calls him shit head. They don't yell at each other on the phone. Shrek is one of those kids that just needs someone to put their arm around his big smelly body and just say. "Hey, you done good kid."

A few weeks a go another one of my most fun kids graduated. Sid and I have a lot in common. He is 17 years old and stands a short 5' 4''. He was a wrestler, and he played football. He had two older siblings. One was married and the other was nowhere to be found. He lived with his oldest sister. He came to us with a drug problem and all around deviance issues. I remember my first encounter with him, we were talking about wrestling. He told me that the only reason he wrestled was because that was the only sport a midget could be really I told him I wrestled because it would make me a better lover. He didn't quite get it... Anyway, as I found out more about this kid I learned that he and I had a lot in common. I graduated high school a tall 5' 5'' and weighed around 176 lbs. I went to boot camp and grew 3".

He was really manipulative, constant bullshitter if you will. Well if you know me, I am the king of bullshit and I'm not about to be one upped by a teenager. Sid is really good at making you laugh when you are obviously angry with him. He used this on me a lot. However, he still paid the pipe when it came to me. I remember one night I was working a night shift, I went down stairs and heard him screaming. I went into his room and was sleeping and screaming at the top of his lungs. His roommate was gone so that was one good thing. Well he woke up and started crying. He told me about the dream he was having. He watched one of his best friends burn to death in car crash. He got out and couldn't get his friend. Well as I sat there, I decided I would open up to him about some dreams I've been having. In particular the one i wrote about in "Keep Smiling." We became pretty close and he wrote a song when he graduated. It was called No Matter. Its a good song and I will place a little bit of it at the end of this portion. I hope to see Sid in the PGA someday.

" It doesn't matter if it rains or shines, the birds will sing"

A few short lessons I have learned while working in this school.

If you tear someone down, you better come back with twice the support and be the first to say good job. Plus be first to apologize.

Approaching someone with you arms figuratively crossed is like approaching them with a wall. Approach them like you are going to hug them and you both will get something from it.

Always be willing to apologize or don't even get involved.

Emotions are good, they are natural. Its how you deal with them that can be bad.

Labels on people are like labels on beer bottles. They can be peeled away.

Kids are kids.

It takes a man to say, "I'm sorry." It takes a real man to actually be sorry and learn from it.

A real man will fight through shitty situations without thinking about if he going to win or not. Because its not the "w" that counts. Its the seeing it through that matters. Sometimes you just lose.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Seth's rules....


I have a three call/ask rule. I ask three times then after that I NEVER call/ask again. Ever...

Realize that 99% of all women you ask out are more than likely only going because they know they wont pay for the meal.

If she was easy for you, she was probably easy for the last 36 guys as well.

If they say they aren't high maintenance they are.

If she can't look you in the eye when you talk she is intimidated.
You can't expect her to be honest with you if you can't be honest with yourself.

Any women worth her weight in gold, will be able to tell you no.

Things take time, don't rush any portion of anything.

Whatever you do, and I mean whatever you do, don't talk about your ex...

If you're only aim is to get ass stay away from the "nice" or "good" girls or guys. You don't deserve us, and yes we are better than that.

Nice guys/girls don't finish last. They win.

Just because someone left you, cheated on you, treated you like shit. Doesn't mean every guy/girl will. You stick it out and sometimes you get it cut off. It's life, shut up, ruck up, and step the fuck off.

There is no such thing as "out of your/my league", everyone gets up in the morning and goes to the bathroom and it smells like shit too.

Just because someone comes to get you to go out for ice cream or to get a cup of coffee doesn't mean they automatically like you.

The term "stalker" is an over used term. Often times by women. First off, when you make up excuses as to why you don't want to go out with someone it's just opening you up for another invitation. Be honest. It may sting but oh well.

Physical appearance does play a huge roll, get over it.

You will never meet someone worthy of taking home to mom and dad at a bar or club.

Nice guys/girls don't finish last. They win.

I'm short, I'm portly, I'm economically challenged. I am still the man you wish your boyfriend could be.

Don't buy a girl a drink at a bar or club. It's a waste of money and time. Unless they came with you and you are dating. Think about it, how many times have you purchased a libation for a girl and she walks away? I did once, then I followed her and took it back. I'm not a charity, get drunk on your own dime.

If she grabs the check before you, you might want to try to keep her around.

If the ex shows up, be cordial. Don't put on your tough guy pants, a man will never go toe to toe with an idiot.

Being a Man...

I live my way, I won't tell you how to live yours....

Being Single....

Embrace it, take time and get to know yourself.

The whole "getting under or on another to get over the one" doesn't work. Plus it makes you skanky.

Sit down and just enjoy not having to answer to someone but yourself.

Take the time to think about how you could have been different.

Remember you aren't alone, there is a big loveable guy in the sky who is with you all the time. He is awesome, he created the world.

Just accept the fact you are crazy and move on.

Go out and have fun and be true to yourself.

Dealing with me...

Realize that I am my own person and I don't like to follow the status quo when I don't absolutely have to.

I like the fact that I drive a Subaru.

I am a nice person, but if you walk all over me its done.

Don't pick me up, tap me on the head, or touch my face.

I am loud and obnoxious.

I rarely take anything serious.

I'm a closet romantic, you have to earn that...

I am blunt.

I'm not here for your entertainment.

I have come a long way from years past, if I feel that you are bad news I won't talk to you.

I have a strong disdain for teenagers.

Little kids scare the shit out of me.

I may put up a cocky front, but truthfully, I am scared out of my mind about damn near everything.

I have a really big heart.

I still get scared in the dark.

I love hugs.

I am very stubborn. I will pound a square peg through a circle hole just to do it.

I am very forgiving.

I am a nice guy, I don't finish last. I win.

If you use the "when you, I feel" type of communication with me it works...really well.

I love hugs.

I have PTSD and it has helped me realize that I am actually a very strong person.

I don't play games, so don't play them with me.

People like me because I'm polite and rarely late.

I have a lot of friends in places you could never imagine.

I love puppies.

If I take you out and you text the entire time, be prepared to text that person and ask them for a ride. Fuck you if you think I'm sticking around. Oh and I hope you bring money because you are paying...

I have no problem sticking up for myself, so if you want to try me go ahead.

I can and will be a memory to you.


Be responsible.


Be respectful even if they aren't. You can throw it back in their face when the time is appropriate.

Always assume you are wrong unless you are 100% correct and can prove it. Then be classy and tactful about it.

No matter how hot or gorgeous they are, they are still capable of destroying a bathroom.

If you make them cry don't be Seth Allen and froth at the mouth...

If she is the one at the child's birthday party that is closer to the baby then the mother, you can be sure she is crazy and you shouldn't use her condoms...

If she unlocks your car door before you get to it...

If she acts stupid to be cute cut her loose.

If she is clingy cut her loose

If she says. "fine" you're fucked.

If she doesn't let you see your friends kick her to the street, the curb is to good for her ass.

If she can't hold a conversation then cut her loose.

If she changes clothing like 42 times a day cut her loose.

If she is willing to shave your back she is a keeper.

If you can't be seen in public with her then why are you talking to her?

More on me...

Remember how I said I rarely take things serious? I don't so don't take any of this serious. I can't give relationship advice unless you want advice on how to destroy one. I can't give advice on women because I don't have one. The stuff on me is solid though.

Remember this: Nice people don't finish last. They win. A lifetime with somebody who you can love and respect is better than a night with some random shitbrick that looks good at the time.

Monday, April 12, 2010


If you have ever served in the military or have had anything to do with the military you will come to learn about the guy named Jody. Jody is usually a friend or an acquaintance. He uses your stuff while your gone, he "takes care of" your lady when your away. He spends all of your money that you earn. He is your best friend. Here is my run in with Jody.

I was seeing a girl who I met while in high school. In fact we were together all of our Senior year, it was both awesome and shitty at the same time. This girl was that girl, you know the one. Ridiculously nice body, athletic and had parents that would buy her whatever she wanted. She came to my football games and cheered for me, she came to wrestling matches and cheered for me. She brought me food when I was at work, she pretty much did all the things a girlfriend does. We also fooled around on every bit of furniture in her parents house. I mean EVERY piece. We took her dad's sports car out for drives. If you have ever had the chance to make a Ferrari smoke it tires in 4th it. Oh and one of the best bit of shenanigans we ever did was have sex in the dark room at her very expensive private school. That was so awesome, the fumes from the chemicals made it very interesting. I'm not convinced that we were the only ones in there though. Well it was getting close to me leaving for bootcamp and we both knew it. We spent more time together, got all lovey dovey and what not. Yea it makes me sick just thinking about it. Eeeewww I'm literally cringing right now. Stupid love birds. Anyway I got to MEPS and she comes with my family. That was a hard day, we all cried and we all hugged. I left that afternoon to have my life change forever.

While at bootcamp she wrote me literally everyday. Every mail call I would get a letter and some pictures from her. I still remember having to sweat all over my mail because of Jim. He wrote insults to the Drill Instructors and what not. Thanks Jim. Well when you get pictures in bootcamp the DI's have to look at them. Well said girl would send me some very nice pictures, and the Drill instructors agreed. Anyway, come family day she was there with my parents and my sister. She looked absolutely gorgeous. Well after I graduated I went home and we all hung out and had a good time. I go to the fleet and keep talking to her on a daily basis just like two little teenagers do. Well I go home for predeployment leave and she says she wants a ring. I'm like whoah, I'm 19 and you are crazy. Soi naturally I cave. I buy her this ring that was like $1400 and looked nice. Well we had a good vacation and it was nice. My battalion was sent to Okinawa, Japan for this pump. We were there for like 3 days when the bomb was dropped on us. We are going to Iraq. I was both excited and angry. Well I call everyone to let them know the news and she didn't take it very well.

We started training pretty hard, and my phone calls were fewer and fewer. She sent me some more risque pictures and nice letters. Well we get into Kuwait and the training was getting more intense and the phone calls stopped. Except for the day before we were supposed to cross the border. So I go to the Internet cafe to buy a phone card. I check my email and the only email I get is from her. It went like this.

I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.


Well my heart was broken. I called her phone...nothing. I called her room...her roommate picked up the phone and told me she had no idea where she was at. I bribed her by telling her where girlfriend left her favorite blanket. She immediately walked the phone to her friends room (jody). I asked her what was going on. She was like "Well I met this guy and he is great. He doesn't kill people for a living. I have been sleeping with him since I got here." I hung up the phone and didn't talk to her for the rest of the deployment. I went back to my hooch and dropped my blouse and grabbed my flak jacket and went for a run. My platoon commander chased me down and asked what happened. I told him the story, he gave me some bag gloves and told me to go to officer's gym and wait for him. I beat the hell out of a heavy bag.

She sent me letters all through the deployment, apologizing and trying to save face. I never wrote her back, I never answered emails. I didn't go out of my way to try to talk to her.

When I got back home I saw her though. She was home working and I said I would go and see her. That was a bad choice. I was very civil, never saying a single mean thing to her. She told me all about her boyfriend ( I didn't really pay much attention) and tried to be all nice and friendly with me. Well after that I never saw until a few years later. She was with her boyfriend, I'm sure at one point he didn't look like a walking blister with downs syndrome and I'm sure his breathing didn't sound one of those fat guys from the "Family Guy" episode where Lois' brother is trying to kill all the obese people. Mind you, I was looking super handsome. I was lean, tan and toned. I was obviously the alpha male in the building.

She asked me about the pictures she sent me one time, I told her I burned them. I will stick with that story until the day I die. She asked me how strangers got her email, old cell phone, and knew about a certain freckle. To this day I have no idea what she is talking about ;)

Do I hold any ill will towards her? Absolutely not. We were both young and dumb. I sincerely hope that both she and her husband have a long and meaningful marriage. I sincerely say that too.

Monday, April 5, 2010


There are few games in this world that can be considered to give good life lessons. I for one feel that dodge ball is one of them. Before you think that I'm a complete idiot (which I won't deny) let me explain some things first.

The game of Dodge ball has been depicted as a cruel game by over protective mothers, they say its predatory like "smear the queer" or "Tag." Well that is kind of true. You are throwing balls at people across the room in order to get them out of the game. Sometimes its in a malicious manner. To that I say bring it. If you're afraid if someone getting hurt use softer projectiles. You know what else is considered malicious? School dances are malicious. How many of my friends out there have had their hopes up that a special someone is going to ask them to a dance only to find out they asked your worst enemy to the dance instead? It has happened to me. The truth though is that I'm not LDS and the girl wasn't allowed to go to a dance with a gentile. That will be a blog for a later time. What else is considered a not very nice thing? Hmmm i wonder. Oh here's one, little league football. When a kid is over weight they have to put an "X" on their helmet. Lets just point out that the kid is fat and can't run as fast others. Let's see what else we can think in general. If life were nice we would all find that special someone and things would be grand.

Back to dodge ball.

I find that dodge ball is a great equalizer and will teach you about life. Let's visit the equalizer factor. We all know the athletes, we all know the studs and super women of our communities. They seem to out perform everyone in every aspect. They seem to date the hot guys/girls. they get all the breaks, they are just generally more awesome than everyone. Well when they are in the pit they stand just as much of a chance getting a fast mover to the testicles or baby maker. Their faces no matter how perfect they are are just as likely to get hit with a high velocity projectile and end up bloodying a nose possibly breaking it. When you're in the octagon no one is out of reach. So in short, awesome in every way possible or not you WILL get hit in the face. T other life lesson portion of my banter. We all know those people that are go getters, we know the ones who are strategic, we also know the ones who stay in the back. The go getters are the ones who run as fast as they can to get a ball and throw it. The strategic ones wait for a ball to come to them. The useless ones stay in the back and try to grab the slow rolling balls. They grab them and gingerly throw them back to the other side hoping it hits someone but they are fine if they just catch it. God forbid they stay in the game for to long, they could get hurt. Well here it goes, if you move around and accept the fact you may get hit you will take it and move on. You will go sit on the side and wait for someone to catch the ball and get you back in the game or you wait until the next round to get your revenge. As in life sometimes you get taken out. Sometimes you get down. What do you do? You take a time out, then you analyze what happened and you make corrections. Then there are the ones who sit in the back. They hide from everything. They let the others take the fall, they let the others take the hits. Well eventually they are the only ones left. I hope at this moment you are imagining being on the winning side seeing the timid kid, the one with glasses, or the only fat kid in the class. You see them and they are scared, they are shaking even peeing themselves a little. You begin to froth at the mouth. You are all hyped up and you arm is ready to throw. In fact you are confident you could throw a 100 mph fast ball. So like a pack of ornery wolves you begin to pounce. You all throw a volley of super inflated ridgy balls at the poor soul. The first ball hits the kid in the stomach, the second hits them in the groin, the third hits them in the face. The poor kid has fallen to the ground and the balls keep coming and the coach is either laughing to hard to blow the whistle or he is creeping on the skanky girl who wears the shorts that are a little to tight and the shirt that amplifies her chest. The kid is balled up crying in their own blood and urine. By now your team should be celebrating the decimation of the poor soul and heading into the showers or whatever. That poor kid is too embarrassed to get up and the coach gives him or her a satisfactory grade for the day. What is my point? My point id this dodge ball teaches either you A) get up and fight. You stick and move when problems, hard times, or hard people enter your life or B) you hide and eventually everything finds you and beats the shit out of you and you end up in a ball of nothingness.

So in closing this is my view of life in consideration to dodge ball.

Life is like a game of dodge ball. Sometimes you never get hit. Sometimes you never hit anyone. At some point you will get hit in the ear, face, groin, or all of the above. You take your hit, go sit down. Then get back up, start the next game and play using the lessons you learned from last round.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Just keep smiling

So June 29, 2005 was kind of a bad day. I remember the day pretty vividly, I was on ECP 1 in Fallujah, Iraq. I was at the furthest post west on the control point. It was on the side of the city. I saw everyone coming out of the city. We were standing 6 hour posts and it was hotter than two mice wrestling in a wool sock. Or hotter than a shower scene with my two favorite women in it, that being Sara Evans and Patty Loveless :) Anyway we had just gotten relieved and were going into our hooch which was even hotter because yours truly thought it was a good idea to mess with the AC and I blew the circuit. Yea that scored me some points on the friend list. Well just as soon as we get there I get told I'm going on a patrol. Sweet. Anyway I walk over to the COC to get the order from my squad leader and as soon as I step inside the building there was this enormous boom. I mean this son of bitch was loud. It knocked the computer off the desk, knocked stuff off the walls you name it, it did it. Well we immediately go to the trucks and mount up because the guy who replaced me says there was an explosion like 300 meters away. That's three football fields. Well we start heading towards the blast to be passed by a convoy screaming "Get Some!!!" and "Ooohrah!" all sorts of the moto shit you hear from POG's. We head towards the scene and dismount. There is a seven ton truck on its side and burning. We set up security along with another group and begin to assess the situation. There were Marines everywhere. There were Marines walking around in a daze and screaming. I saw an ear on the ground with a headphone melted to it. However, I was relaxed. Actually a little annoyed because it was getting dark and I needed to workout or i was going to go crazy. I watched my friend get somebody on a stretcher and I went to help him. Then all of the sudden a hand grabs me and says "help me" so i walked this Marine to the side and sit this person down. This Marine was covered in blood and dirt and charred stuff. Well I was smiling I guess... I don't remember really smiling. All I remember is not thinking much about this. Well after we got everything turned over to whoever we went back to the ECP and to the COC to discuss what had happened and to see if we still needed to patrol. Well I noticed we had a plethora of female Marines in our building. This is strange for many reasons, 1) there are only a couple that are there and they are only there for a few hours during the day, and 2) there were many. Well it didn't occur to me until my squad leader comes up and says, " the truck had all the WM's on it..." Still nothing. Even right now I don't feel anything usually I will breakdown and tear up a bit. Well I just remember seeing this young Marine squatting in a corner grasping her rifle and rocking back and forth. She was muttering something i couldn't make out. I removed the magazine from her weapon as she looked at me and said, " condition 3." I replied with a simple grunt. Well I didn't quite understand what she was saying until I walked off. She was saying, " he was smiling." That floored me. He got so close they could see what he was doing...

Well not even a year later I was at the Scout Sniper Basic course in San Diego. I had damn good weekend! I met up with some friends and went around SD and enjoyed being away. I met up with a smokin hot teacher from Palm Springs and her friends who weren't very friendly. Well i went back to Camp Pendleton and strolled over to the PX to get some stuff for the week when I was stopped by a girl. She had some scars on her face. She asked me if I had ever been to Fallujah. I answered her with a yes. She asked me about the day the convoy got hit outside of the ECP and I laughed and said yes. She was like "you helped me", I was speechless. I asked her if she was the one I took the magazine from she said no. She said, " I walked up to you, you were smiling. I can't forget that smile. You helped me..." I was floored. I started talking to her about that day a little bit. i asked her about coming home and how she was doing. Her and her husband were getting ready to leave because she was getting out. She asked me about everything and i told her. She never asked my name nor did I for hers.

I keep having the dream of her walking up to me. Except she isn't hurt. She just keeps telling me to smile. She tells me that everything will be ok. Just keep smiling and everything will be ok. It's weird. She isn't covered in blood and burnt shit. It's smokey and smelly. The smell of charred flesh never leaves you. Its a sour nasty smell.

I have been in some tight situations, both in the military and out. I went through Fallujah in 2004 and returned in 2005. I went back to Iraq in 2006 and worked with a lot of units that were constantly duking it out. None of those situations really ever get to me. June 29, 2005 will always be a day that I remember. I will always have that dream, I honestly don't ever want it to stop. It brings peace to me. I used to not be able to sleep until I heard the screams from Fallujah. The screams of the families who had lost sons and husbands and brothers. They would scream because the would go outside. They went outside because they new it was safe. If it was safe for them, it was safe for us.

I have found that I am an emotional being, I don't like to feel numb. I didn't want to think about these things because it invokes emotions I'm not wanting. I don't want to feel vulnerable, I don't want people to know that I am able to hurt. Who does? I have found over many "vision quests" that if I don't feel these things I can't feel the good. I can't feel the warmth of another, I can't feel the love for my fellow being. For me it starts with smiling. I love to smile. I love to laugh. I love to make others smile and laugh. I like having others around. Often times I think others think I do this for them. Well yes I do first and foremost, but in reality I do it for me too.

So just keep smiling it will be ok.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

So FaceBook is an amazing thing. You can use it to catch up with old friends, keep in cotact with family far away or in my case make funny status updates. Well its also a passage to old feelings. Today of all days it happened. I spoke to a 10 year old girl that I haven't seen since she was a new born. It's hard for me to believe she is 10 almost 11. This girl lives in the southern states with her adoptive parents. She has surpasses everything myself or my sister did by her age. I recently friended her mom on facebook. Seeing her is like looking at little black version of my sister. She two grades ahead of kids her age. She plays the violin. She lives with a Christian family and has so many opportunities ahead of her. Its amazing.

The not so good part.

When this girl was born it was bad time in my families lives. My sister was given the one of the worst hands in the game of life. She wasn't someone I wanted to know when she was a teenager. The problems at home were bad, My parents were at the end of their rope with Emily. I don't want to go in depth wth what was going on because thats not for your eyes to read. It was bad and I was good at not letting anyone know there was someting going on. I worked hard in school, I worked hard in sports and I played the "perfect family" card like it was nobodies business. I was acting like the typical happy go lucky teenage boy. It was a facade.Nobody knew any different, how did I deal with my feelings? I made others laugh. I was obnoxious with my behavior. I was the constant clown, I was the the guy who would come to church and make the youth group laugh hard. No one knew and still no one knows. Thats for me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My attitude towards...

First things first...Me

I'm going to start off with a bible verse, ""Therefore, COME OUT FROM THEIR MIDST AND BE SEPARATE," says the Lord. "AND DO NOT TOUCH WHAT IS UNCLEAN; And I will welcome you." 2 Corinthians 6:17.

I have always been the one that kind of sticks out in group. Whether its because I am shorter than everyone else, or I just have a different attitude. Mostly because I'm the short one that has to scream "wait for me, wait for me!!!" You know like the group of kids running and the midget that's trailing behind! I'm laughing as I write that. I like that, it makes me smile. I'm not saying I'm slow by any means. I'm just saying I tend to stick out a wee bit.


I'm not really in the dating game right now, nor am I into the whole random girl thing anymore. That was over after the sliced tire incident a while ago. Mom if you read this don't ask because you will be upset with me and I just can't have that. Right now I am in a break kind of mode right now. Shitty women kind of take a toll on you after a while. Besides, I'm going to school more than full time and I'm constantly fighting to make ends meet and women cost a lot of money. I don't care what you say you are all high maintenance and you know it :) It's cool though because I like to take care of you.

You are all crazy and you know it. Crazy for being super emotional. Crazy for being bitchy and stuck up. You are crazy because you like to take our stuff and wear it. You are crazy because you think that you are the special ingredient needed to change a guy. We don't understand why you do half the crazy shit you do. We don't understand that its the little things that count. We think you are crazy because you won't give us the time of day. We think you are crazy because you talk shit about us then come over and act like everything is cool.

However, I love the fact that you are crazy. I love the fact you wear our stuff. I love the fact that I can't figure you out...ever. I love the random acts of craziness that tend to happen. I also love it when I do something that you consider small but I feel its huge; such as but not limited to buying you a funny little hat or something stupid. In my head I am standing on a mountain screaming " I am victorious!!!"


If you think I'm going to write about how men should act you are wrong. I have my own way and so does every other guy. So deal with it.


They are loud and they put holes in things far away.

Gay people...

I really don't care if you are in the military or not. I don't care if you want to get married or not. Don't automatically think I am going to dislike you...

Downs Syndrome...

I do make jokes, but I honestly feel that you are sent to the earth by God as angels.

Little dogs...

I don't like you...


When you eat your hands, it scares the shit out of me...

Nerdy girls...

Will you marry me?

Athletic girls...

Will you marry me?


Hmmm, I don't know about that one yet, unless you fall into one of the before mentioned categories...

Physics class...

The blond girl who wears glasses and looks at me like I'm an idiot. Do you have any idea how attractive you are to me? I love your weird shoe things you wear and the fact that you could run me into the dirt. To bad you have a boyfriend who owns a coffee shop in P.C. Oh well.

Literature class....

I hate Vampires...


This is my way of processing my feelings. I don't pay to much attention to deal with it.

The large girl in my intro to political science class...

Shut up.

Single women with children...

Don't lose hope. There is a man out there who will love you and your children. Hell, he may even like your stupid little dog...

The guy who used to try to get me to touch him...

If I ever see you again, I will feed you your heart...


I ever see you again, you will be eating your own heart as well.

Mazda Miata's...

You know how I know you're gay?

Danny and Colleen...

You have shown me love, you have shown me that people can actually do things the right way.

Mom and Dad...

Its been a rough road but I will continue to make you proud..


Damn your tough...


I wish I would have never met you...


I wish I would have never met you...


I wish I never met you...


I miss you. Well except for the inland suck.


I wish I had the strength to wait...

Ex Girlfriends...

Some of you I wish I had never met, others well too bad it didn't work out...


Don't even come and talk to me.


I don't respect you...


One word...reverse.


I hate you, but you have made me stronger.


I owe you money and some other intangibles...


I owe you everything.

Lt. Lee

You saved my life.


I'm here to serve


Will you marry me?



You suck