Monday, May 31, 2010

My memorial day...

I remember when life was simple. I remember waking up to go to school and to see the people that I associated with Monday through Friday. I remember long hot summers filled with football and fake people who thought they were going on to bigger and better through said sport. I remember going out on dates in high school in my moms car, all with LDS girls who wanted a "break" from that life. Those were the days of "innocence", those were the days where we could laugh and live without thinking about the consequences. We didn't have bills to pay, we didn't have to worry about where we were going to sleep that night. The biggest worry was passing Ms. Snow's English class or if I had clean compression shorts for wrestling practice. Now its making a car payment on time, or taking care of rent.

I remember when I finally checked out of Alta, it was bitter sweet. Well, lets be honest. It was the sweetest thing I have ever encountered. I was literally saying, "fuck you, and the people who are still there" as I walked back home. I was so happy to be leaving that place, to be leaving Utah. I was about to start a whole new life. I didn't do much before I left, other than hang out with my then girlfriend and work out. I remember April 13 fondly, I spent the night in the sauna at the hotel. I was like 4 pounds over weight and my recruiter was worried so he stayed and made sure I sweated it all out. The next morning I weighed in 15 pounds under what I needed to be. Before that though was hard. My family was in town and they came to see me off along with my girlfriend. That sucked. I have never been so scared. I was literally shaking the entire time. After they left I began to sweat. I was in the sauna doing up/downs like in the wrestling room. I even did the Wyoming shuffle (for all the Alta wrestlers!). We woke up the next morning to go to MEPS. That sucked even more, it was real. I was leaving and there was nothing I could or wanted to do now. After everyone left we ate lunch and drove to the airport.

When you go to MCRD San Diego they put you on a plane and you fly into San Diego, the airport shares a fence line with the Recruit Depot. Its surreal seeing the rappelling tower with big lettering USMC on it. You go to USO and hang out for a bit. A very large black man with a "Smokey Bear" hat came in and said, " if you are here for Marine Corps boot camp, get your god damned nasty bitch ass outside. I swear to God almighty I will fuck you up if you run away. I don't have the time or the inclination to deal with your mommy and daddy fairytale fed ass!!! FUCKING MOVE!!!!!!!" That is where it began.

I remember the night before we graduated, one of the Drill Instructors came in and made us get out of bed. He was obviously drunk, and had something to say. He told us about how we were more than likely going to go somewhere and shoot people. He told us about how we haven't really changed and that we would when that time came. He told us that the lessons we learned here will be life long and be true to those who have gone before and died. For some reason he came up to me and told me that I had a lot to live up too. I remember he told me this, "Even though you're short and kind of quiet, I know you have the ability to be deadly", i still have no idea what he meant by that. We all went to bed after he went into the DI hut and we heard a crash. I didn't sleep a wink that night. I was so nervous as to what was going to happen to me over the next four or so years of my life.

I remember one night in Al Asad. We had just come back from a route clearing mission. This was the old school way, everyone gets on line and walks for like 5 miles. We didn't see anything other than some pictures on bridges of trucks and shit. Well the week prior to this mission we were creating a massive terrain model of Rawah, the city we were going to. Well I was laying in my rack listening to Nagashima's radio which was always on and tuned to BBC radio. When this loud roar went over head followed by a ground shaking boom. We were getting rockets shot at us. I put my gear on, and I remember saying "this shit isn't cool anymore." Naga simply handed me my rifle and we went to the birm. We didn't see anything.

I remember the company firmbase south of the peninsula of Rawah. We were in a open pit gypsum mine so it seemed. The sand was so dusty it made it hard to fill sand bags. The conditions were horrible, dust was getting everywhere. I cleaned my rifle like 14 times a day. We would go through the town and nothing would happen. We didn't get shot at once, until one night. We got lit up pretty good, it definitely made me realize where I was and what i was doing.

I remember laying on the rooftop. I was covering myself with a blanket hoping it would give me more protection from bullets. I remember removing it because that was just a stupid idea, i noticed the tracers going over head. Ours are red, the enemy's were green or some other color. All I saw was green. I remember seeing rounds hitting the wall above my head and the rock and mortar falling on top of me. I remember during the day watching an RPG fly over my head and bounce off the roof directly behind me like 10 feet away. It didn't blow up. I remember everything being quiet, I remember Ill Will hitting gold balls into the city. I remember Clark and I filling a refrigerator with diesel fuel and lighting it on fire, that was a big fire and the smoke was black. I remember the bodies in the street, I remember watching cats eating the bodies as well. I remember watching a guy run away with his finger in his side hoping to stop the bleeding. I remember watching one of the snipers braining a dude on a bike.

I remember patrolling through Fallujah in the middle if the night, you could hear the coughs of sick children. I remember thinking this was the coolest thing in the world. I remember raiding houses in the middle of the night and finding nothing but sleeping families and the fearful women as we roughed up the men for acting tough. I remember following a woman to her baby so she could comfort her newly born child and her asking me to not point my gun at her. I remember pointing the barrel down and realizing that I pointed it at her without thinking a thing. I took off my helmet and gave her some powdered milk that I took from our supply. I remember the fear in her eyes, I remember just wanting to take it all off and sitting down to watch her with her child. I remember feeling horrible about the whole situation. This was just some family we woke up in the middle if the night because we were going off information from another neighbor. The next day we went back the neighbors house and uncovered a small weapons cache. Plus a large sum of money, I took some and handed it to the young mother and told her I was sorry.

I remember the 7-ton truck on its side. I remember the ear on the ground. I remember that like it was yesterday.

I remember coming home my last time and feeling empty. Like I had no reason to do anything. I was getting out and going to college, because that's what you do. I remember feeling that I had nothing to live for anymore. I was just merely a pawn in life, I was falling into the "normal" person pipeline. I was going to go college and get a degree, get married, and have babies. I remember finding the anti-anxiety medication and getting angty that they weren't working. I remember drinking by myself and staring at the wall listening to my girlfriends TV. I remember asking myself, " So this is life? Fuck this shit." I remember going to work and contemplating burning the mans shop down because he knew nothing of what it was like to kill a man. I remember coming home after the year was out and working for Tim. I remember looking at my girlfriend and realizing how fucked up I was. I remember looking at her and realizing how fucked up she was. I looked in the mirror and saw what my body had become, I began to cry.

I remember telling myself that I wasn't a victim, I am a survivor. I chose the life I lead. I remember going to see Ray and talking to him about my feelings. I remember telling him abut the fighting, the carnage, the anger I felt. I told him that I never felt like ending it all, which is very true. I can honestly say I have never thought about suicide. I remember telling him that I was tired of this and I wasn't going to live with it anymore.

I remember my brothers who aren't here, and I miss them. I don't drown the sadness in alcohol because for some reason I don't think they want me to do that. I remember drinking and people looking at me in disappointment. It's like I'm hearing, "what the fuck Allen" all over again. Why are you doing this? Why can't we have one person who doesn't follow the crowd?
I'm not going into the whole. " Memorial Day is another long weekend to some, while its something else to others" bit. I'm simply just stating what this Memorial Day is to me.

I don't really buy into the whole "I deserve, because I did" train of thought simply because I feel it is stupid. I made my choices and you made yours, I don't look down on you for not going my route and I hope you don't look down on me for mine. My experiences and my feelings are just that, mine. I hope they will shape me to become the man I hope to one day be.

To my brothers who I have fought with, I say Semper Fidelis. To my sisters who have gone forth to a job as well I say, Semper Fidelis. To the person who speaks out against me, I say Semper Fidelis. To those who have no idea what its like to go forth and do the things we have done I say, Hi! I'm Seth and its nice to meet you. I look forward to being friends with you.

I remember asking God to take the sorrow and dreams and do with them what he will. I don't have a majority of the dreams anymore except the one. I no longer feel the deep sorrow, but I feel some. I don't feel guilty about coming out relatively unharmed, but i feel blessed. I feel that I have the ability to show the world that even though we have a lot of pain that it will eventually be ok. I feel love again, love for my family, for my friends, and for those who don't have much love in their lives.

That is my Memorial Day.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Just so you know...

I love you and value you as a person.

I tend to keep to myself a lot of my feelings, except for some I express on here. I want you to know that I feel your pain, I want you to know you aren't alone. Even though I tend to come off as not friendly I really am easy to talk to. I want to see you succeed, I want to see you push yourself beyond your limits.

We all have our stories, we all have or trial and tribulations. I may not be right there with with you, but I'm there. If you need me to share the load just let me know. I always have room in my pack for a friend in need. I wont hold it against you, I wont expect it in return. Sometimes we all need a little help. I know this, because I need help too.

I will be the first to give it to you straight and I want you to do the same for me. Don't beat around the bush because you know I won't.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't expect you to be perfect because I am far from it. I don't expect you to listen to everything I have to say. I don't expect you to be there every time I need you to be. However, don't come to me when everything is bad. Come to me when its good too. Be genuine with me, because I am to you.

I love you and value you as a person. I respect you for what you are, not for what you are not.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't care if you aren't tough, I don't care if you think you are weak. Those can be changed, if you willingly want to change that. You can be tough and strong and still feel for people and situations. In fact you have to be to do those things. It take a strong person to feel for someone, it takes a tough person to want to be there for someone. It also takes a strong and tough person to tell someone that they will no longer put up with someones shit. Because sometimes, you just have to cut off the branch that has the disease in order to save the bush.

I love you and value you as a person. I like your weird quirks. It makes you special to me. if you were like everyone else you would be everyone else. I love you for you.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't compare you to me. You aren't me, I am me. There are many Seth Allen's in this world but there is only one me. We have made many different choices in our lives, mine have put me in different places. You can't compare apples to chickens can you?

I love you and value you as a person.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Something that annoys me.

When people come around when their life is in the dumps. Then when it gets better they kick you to the curb.

Do me a favor, go find someone else's shoulder to cry on. I have two of them and I want to save them for people who actually deserve it.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I don't know how much longer I can work at the group home. I love the job and I love the kids, but I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how many more boys I can watch hurt themselves, I don't know how much disappointment I can see. These boys try so hard to make themselves and family life better. To only be met with disappointment and sorrow. There is no better feeling then to see a boy who comes in angry and hurt make a turn in his life and actually be happy. Its something to see when a family who can't go 5 minutes on the phone without mom starting to cry and dad calling the boy a "little fucking curse" to actually having them come and laugh and smile together. It's even better when the family sends you (personally) a card telling you how much they appreciate what you have done. The down side which is the most common is the disappointment and sorrow...

I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm sure I'm there for some reason, I just don't know it yet and probably wont until I am a father myself.

Its really hard to not have some sort of emotional investment in the kids I work with. In fact, you kind of have to. If you do this job and you don't feel anything then you better do the kids a favor and leave.

I have been blessed with many opportunities in my life. Some aren't good, but still it has exposed me to things that most people don't get to experience. I didn't get the "Brady Bunch" family upbringing that one would love. We had many trials and tribulations in my family. However, I know when I have a family of my own I will look at whats going on and be able to stick it out.

I have been trying to go to church more and more. I am turning things over to God and just letting them be. Its odd though, I have been to a few churches here and not many have given me the welcoming feeling that one should get. Except for the church I grew up in. That's weird to me because this is the same church that turned its back on my family when things got really bad at home. The new "hip" church in town doesn't even give me a feeling of God being present in the church. I knew it was coming before many of my friends did. However, even when I came home and went to one of the first services I didn't feel anything. I went to said church today and literally felt someone telling me to leave. It told me this isn't the place for you. I have nothing against this congregation I just don't feel it is the place for me. It's young and upbeat and for all intents and purposes it would be the "cool" place to go. Just not for me.

I went to home today for Mother's Day and cooked for my mama! I love that woman. If I ever meet a woman that is a fraction of the woman she is, I would marry her in a heart beat.

I have had a lot of friends commission this week. All I really have to say to them is this. Be human. You are dealing with human beings and not robots. Don't you ever forget that. Don't ever let me hear you call any of them "stupid." Granted they may not make the best decisions but neither have you. If you are single, stay that way. Getting married is the dumbest thing you can do. You will be gone for the first few years you are in. You have training to complete and a lot of learning to do. I know you feel like you have the tools necessary to lead and you do, you just don't have the slightest clue on how to use them yet. For hells sake, leave work at work. If you are having trouble with your soldiers don't take it out on your partner. Don't be afraid to ask for help. As an NCO I would have more respect for you if you were to come up to me and say, "Hey, I'm not sure what the best solution is" I will see that you have confidence in me and will empower me. From that I can gain trust in you and in return take care of you. Another thing, let me take care of my soldiers/Marines...

I went out with some of my lady friends this last weekend. I like these ladies a lot. One in particular just suffered a great loss. It's really hard for her right now, but I know in time she will be ok. She is a strong woman, her daughter is going to play soccer in Kansas. I like being around them because I know my genuineness will be taken for real. I can be myself around them and I know they don't think I have some ulterior motive. They have been around a while and can see through bullshit. So I know that me being real is ok. I just wish women my age would and could appreciate that. They say they do, but we all know you just think I'm some sort of player. My friend, its going to be hard for a while, but you will be ok. I know it. Whatever happens with the other portion of the loss is rough too, but remember that in time it will take care of its self. If the bad outcome happens, just remember that those who use others for their own benefit will fall face first in time. Not to repeat what is previously said, but I really enjoy these ladies. Its good for both me and them. I don't have to put up some sort of front to be around them and they are real with me. Its a good change, I hope I can learn a lot from them. I will send them some nice messages this week.

I'm really excited about going to Egypt. Again, if it wasn't for my parents I wouldn't go. They see that this an opportunity for me and the have helped me out. I will hopefully pay them back in both monetary means and with pride. This will help me become the man I want to be. I have lived a very interesting life so far and I realize my best days haven't even approached yet.

I'm still finding myself lonely, but only for a minute. I know right now this is how God wants it for me. I'm sure he has someone looking for me as I am looking for them. I just think he is molding me so that I can be the man they need me to be. Its like a carpenter finishing a very expensive piece for a customer, he wants it to be just right. I'm really starting to see what i used to find attractive to be quite revolting. Maybe its me growing up I don't know.

Well I'm going to bed now. I have a run to make tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My personal add:

25 y/o white male looking for a 23-27 y/o fit female. I have little to no money, I am what some consider short. I live in basement downtown, and my roommate likes hot dogs. I spend close to 4 hours a day working out, I don't watch a lot of movies. I hate kids, they are sticky and they smell. I hate cats, they creep me out. I screw like an animal, and love like a saint. I tend to be obnoxious and flat out rude. I get drunk at inappropriate times and laugh at funerals. I am rarely romantic, you literally have to tell me what to buy you for your birthday. I have no problem telling you no. I have no problem standing up for myself, so I dare you to try me. I don't like fat chicks, I don't like skanks. I have been stabbed, beaten with a beer bottle, life threatened on many occasions, pretty much been through the ringer. I don't talk about ex's, I wont ask you how many guys you have been with because I don't want to have answer the same question, put it this way,too many. I don't talk about ex's they are that for a reason. I don't stay mad for long and generally rubbing my hair gets me over it pretty quick. There is no better gift to me then new underwear and socks. I don't find taller women intimidating, I don't find smarter women intimidating. I wont hit you, so don't hit me. I am generally easy to please. I find there is nothing sexier than a black bra and thong. The age limit is set.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The question is this, should I keep being the nice guy?