I don't know how much longer I can work at the group home. I love the job and I love the kids, but I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how many more boys I can watch hurt themselves, I don't know how much disappointment I can see. These boys try so hard to make themselves and family life better. To only be met with disappointment and sorrow. There is no better feeling then to see a boy who comes in angry and hurt make a turn in his life and actually be happy. Its something to see when a family who can't go 5 minutes on the phone without mom starting to cry and dad calling the boy a "little fucking curse" to actually having them come and laugh and smile together. It's even better when the family sends you (personally) a card telling you how much they appreciate what you have done. The down side which is the most common is the disappointment and sorrow...
I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm sure I'm there for some reason, I just don't know it yet and probably wont until I am a father myself.
Its really hard to not have some sort of emotional investment in the kids I work with. In fact, you kind of have to. If you do this job and you don't feel anything then you better do the kids a favor and leave.
I have been blessed with many opportunities in my life. Some aren't good, but still it has exposed me to things that most people don't get to experience. I didn't get the "Brady Bunch" family upbringing that one would love. We had many trials and tribulations in my family. However, I know when I have a family of my own I will look at whats going on and be able to stick it out.
I have been trying to go to church more and more. I am turning things over to God and just letting them be. Its odd though, I have been to a few churches here and not many have given me the welcoming feeling that one should get. Except for the church I grew up in. That's weird to me because this is the same church that turned its back on my family when things got really bad at home. The new "hip" church in town doesn't even give me a feeling of God being present in the church. I knew it was coming before many of my friends did. However, even when I came home and went to one of the first services I didn't feel anything. I went to said church today and literally felt someone telling me to leave. It told me this isn't the place for you. I have nothing against this congregation I just don't feel it is the place for me. It's young and upbeat and for all intents and purposes it would be the "cool" place to go. Just not for me.
I went to home today for Mother's Day and cooked for my mama! I love that woman. If I ever meet a woman that is a fraction of the woman she is, I would marry her in a heart beat.
I have had a lot of friends commission this week. All I really have to say to them is this. Be human. You are dealing with human beings and not robots. Don't you ever forget that. Don't ever let me hear you call any of them "stupid." Granted they may not make the best decisions but neither have you. If you are single, stay that way. Getting married is the dumbest thing you can do. You will be gone for the first few years you are in. You have training to complete and a lot of learning to do. I know you feel like you have the tools necessary to lead and you do, you just don't have the slightest clue on how to use them yet. For hells sake, leave work at work. If you are having trouble with your soldiers don't take it out on your partner. Don't be afraid to ask for help. As an NCO I would have more respect for you if you were to come up to me and say, "Hey, I'm not sure what the best solution is" I will see that you have confidence in me and will empower me. From that I can gain trust in you and in return take care of you. Another thing, let me take care of my soldiers/Marines...
I went out with some of my lady friends this last weekend. I like these ladies a lot. One in particular just suffered a great loss. It's really hard for her right now, but I know in time she will be ok. She is a strong woman, her daughter is going to play soccer in Kansas. I like being around them because I know my genuineness will be taken for real. I can be myself around them and I know they don't think I have some ulterior motive. They have been around a while and can see through bullshit. So I know that me being real is ok. I just wish women my age would and could appreciate that. They say they do, but we all know you just think I'm some sort of player. My friend, its going to be hard for a while, but you will be ok. I know it. Whatever happens with the other portion of the loss is rough too, but remember that in time it will take care of its self. If the bad outcome happens, just remember that those who use others for their own benefit will fall face first in time. Not to repeat what is previously said, but I really enjoy these ladies. Its good for both me and them. I don't have to put up some sort of front to be around them and they are real with me. Its a good change, I hope I can learn a lot from them. I will send them some nice messages this week.
I'm really excited about going to Egypt. Again, if it wasn't for my parents I wouldn't go. They see that this an opportunity for me and the have helped me out. I will hopefully pay them back in both monetary means and with pride. This will help me become the man I want to be. I have lived a very interesting life so far and I realize my best days haven't even approached yet.
I'm still finding myself lonely, but only for a minute. I know right now this is how God wants it for me. I'm sure he has someone looking for me as I am looking for them. I just think he is molding me so that I can be the man they need me to be. Its like a carpenter finishing a very expensive piece for a customer, he wants it to be just right. I'm really starting to see what i used to find attractive to be quite revolting. Maybe its me growing up I don't know.
Well I'm going to bed now. I have a run to make tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.