I can't even write the truth...this is supposed to be my place to write how I feel and I can't even do it right now. I have been through a lot in my short life and I have a lot going for me. If you were to take all of it away what would I be? If you were to take away my walks through hell what would I be? If you were to take all of my "skills" what would I be? If you were to take all of my travels, all of me experiences away and put me in a box what would I be? If you were to take away the love I have given so many what would I be? Would I be an empty shell? Would I be a poser? This is something I struggle with. All of the experiences I have. All of "skills" I have and the amount of love and strength I can give can be taken away and it will leave me with what? I don't know. What I do know is that all of that doesn't encapsulate me. That doesn't define me if you will. What defines me, what makes me who I am is something that may take me quite a while to figure out. Or I could wake up tomorrow morning and have a good idea of what that is. This is something I will be exploring for a while to come. Honestly this has been coming for a long time. Now I am just convicted and I need to roger up to the call. I have been living under a front for quite some time.
Where does my masculinity come from? Where did I get the "you are a man, and you can do this" from? Did I get it from my father? Sadly, no. I don't know...
I would love to say that I have had some sort of intervention that stems from external circumstances but let's be honest... It's simply not the case. It's all on me and God. Yes, the way the things have played are on me. Or are they? See I'm really not the one in control. Whether or not you believe there is a higher power or not you really don't control much of anything. You can do everything right in your mind but somebody or something else will come along and trash it. For example; you raise a child in a loving home and he or she goes and commits murder. Or you are treating your significant other with love and respect and they become unfaithful. You don't control that. You don't control the selfish person who drinks a 5th of Maker's Mark and gets in their vehicle and plows into your front yard and destroys your house, your award winning rose bushes and squishes your pure bred poodle.
I have been pulling my masculinity from the things I have done. Being able to shoot a gun doesn't make you a man. Being able to throw a football doesn't make you a man. Getting a hooker on a lonely night doesn't make you a man...it makes you disgusting. What makes you a man is really between you and whomever you call your higher being. If that higher being is you well then there you go... I guess. I can't do this on my own. I will never be truly happy until I decide to stop pulling my masculinity from the activities I indulge in. I won't find my true masculinity until I find my heart. I know I have one, I couldn't do the things I have done without one. I just need to find what makes it do what it does.
I am awake and I am aware. I am hurting and have been for some time. What causes that pain is something I will find out. I know that I am capable of being a loving person because I care. I know that I am a man because of the way I am choosing to take on this pain and to finally get rid of it. I know I have a heart somewhere that longs to be freed and allowed to be shared with others in a way never seen before. I don't need to find validation in other people they don't write my report card so to speak. I need to let myself be loved. I need to surrender my pain, my wounds and begin to heal. Until then I am keeping the true me from the people around me. Let's do this...
(this is lisa spears)
ReplyDeleteI am not trying to sound creepy, but I've read your blog fairly thoroughly. I want you to know that I deeply admire your ability to so eloquently express your pain and your struggle to be a better person. I also respect your commitment to being so unapologetically real. I know you said in this you aren't being real, that there are few who truly know you, so I could be wrong, but to me this brutal honesty and unflinching humility is truly awe-inspiring.
I know we don't have the deepest relationship, but since I've known you I've always liked and respected you. I don't really know what you're going through, but you can always talk to me. It sounds like we might have some experiences in common. Obviously I haven't been in combat, but I have been through ptsd for many things throughout my life and have overcome addiction, etc. I hope that you are ok. I know it's hard feeling like you can't trust anyone. That is the risk you take opening up to people, but it sucks even more feeling like no one is really close to you. To me dishonesty is just loneliness. Lonely in a crowded room. Like I said, I hope this isn't crossing a boundary, since we aren't exactly close, but I'm in, if you want to talk.
I believe it isn't other people's actions which make us happy or sad... it's our own actions... Since all we really have is our behavior. Yes, someone might betray the trust you placed in them, but the comfort comes from knowing you did your best, being able to look yourself in the mirror and truly respect the person you see. Life is short, Seth. I hope you are doing ok with everything in your life.