The face I see...

I see the man's face so very clear,

I see it as if it were right here.

He looks at me with sadness and grief,

he looks at me like I am but a thief.

I wonder why he comes around,

for his place is in the ground.

I remember the moment that called for death,

600 out and a little bit left.

I pull the trigger and and release my breath.

I watch him twist I watch him fall,

and I think to myself, is that all?

I never see him again but only in my sleep,

ever so often I wake up to a slight weep.

He talks to me like we are friends he talks to me deep,

he asks me why I put him to sleep.

I tell him it's you or me,

and my life is not ready to flee.

He say's he didn't want to die

and I simply answer with neither do I.

He had a family, a boy, a girl, a wife.

I have the rest of my life...

So....

So I have been home from Egypt for quite some time now. I miss that place, with my heart and my soul. I miss being around people that come from very different backgrounds. I miss going out and talking to people that have no idea about the place that I call home. I miss being around people that appreciate me for who I am. I'm not saying that I don't love those around me... because I do. I'm just saying it's nice to be around people that want to get to know you.

This year has the potential of being a great year for me as well as many of my friends. Already many are learning where they will be going in the near future, I am so excited for them!! For those who are going to be joining the ranks of my brothers in the field of battle, all I'm going to say is this, I hope you are ready. It's a definite change, both emotionally and physically. For the rest, I am excited for you.

I have been having some dreams lately that I haven't had in a while, they aren't near as intense as they use to be but they are still there. They remind me of how lucky I really am to be alive. I am also very lucky to have the people I do in my life. They are lifeblood to me.

I don't know why I feel the way I do. It wasn't good last time, I didn't get anything out of it. I was made of fool of. They take advantage and get away with it. I do things for you I don't normally do. I extend myself to you more than you deserve. Who do you think you are?

So I took my first quiz today... I want to cry.

Oh well, I will pick myself up and dust my shoulders and knees off. I definitely need to devote more time to school work and my fitness. I have been lazy since I got here. I haven't been running like I need to be, there isn't much of a gym here at the dorms. Egyptians don't have the same attitude towards physical fitness as we do. It's cool though, its the culture.

I'm finding that when I get bored I get down on my situation, as in I'm going to be 26 next month and I'm "behind" the times. With the being married and kids thing. Then the other night we were talking over dinner and I found out that most Egyptian men don't get married until they are 30 or so. That is awesome!!!! I realize that the whole "get married and have babies" ideal is just not for me at this time in my life. I want to do so many things before I have to answer to a wife and kid(s).

Those are :

1- Do something really bad ass with the military

2- Go to Europe

3- Work on a ranch for a bit

4- Buy a house

5- Drive a nice car

6- Run an adventure race

7- Law School?

8- Write a book?

9- Blow some shit up

Obviously there is more, I just can't think of anything else right now.


Egypt is awesome and I thank God for this opportunity.

Hey Hey Hey!!!!

So as many people know I am in Egypt. This country is amazing, and so are the people I am here with. We are here for 7 weeks in order to learn the language of Daud... Arabic.

My experience in the language isn't near as vast as I once thought. The crap they taught me in the Marine Corps is pretty much what I just said...crap. I have learned that there are two facets to the language, those being Foussou and Aramia ( I may have mispelled them). Foussou is the written language but it tends to be spoken in formal settings, where as Aramia is the local Egyption (mSreen) dialect.

My teachers are pretty much what I thought they would be, firm yet willing to teach. We as American students have been spoiled and kind of fucked over by our teachers. They (not all) have focused on our emotional well being, I mean they want us to feel good about ourselves. While these teachers are all about carrying your load. I am enjoying my time here so far.

When I stepped off the plane the distinct smell of Arab hit me. It was like I had landed in Ali A Saleem in Kuwiat one more time. Even more so when I would hit the deck in Al Asad in Western Iraq. There are quite a few differences though, one being the absence of road side bombs. Thank God. Another being that Egypt as a whole is more liberal with its culture. Women not only dress how they feel, but they drive cars as well. There are quite a few more but I don't want to sit here and list them all. I am enjoying this time...

We went to the beach the other day, I had a blast. The girls that went with us didn't have so much fun though. They got groped whilst swimming in the Mediterranean. Thats right, I swam in the Med!!!!! Yes, that makes me better than you. It sucks that it happened but in all fairness we were all warned. I know that these people have no idea of personal space or that American women have no problem castrating a man in his sleep for beating them. Hopefully that is the only situation like that to happen. Well, actually I guess some girls got flashed by some dude. I guess he just got their attention and starting masterbating. Thats disgusting, but it happens in Americaland as well.

Well that is all for now.

Alaykum Sala!!

My memorial day...

I remember when life was simple. I remember waking up to go to school and to see the people that I associated with Monday through Friday. I remember long hot summers filled with football and fake people who thought they were going on to bigger and better through said sport. I remember going out on dates in high school in my moms car, all with LDS girls who wanted a "break" from that life. Those were the days of "innocence", those were the days where we could laugh and live without thinking about the consequences. We didn't have bills to pay, we didn't have to worry about where we were going to sleep that night. The biggest worry was passing Ms. Snow's English class or if I had clean compression shorts for wrestling practice. Now its making a car payment on time, or taking care of rent.

I remember when I finally checked out of Alta, it was bitter sweet. Well, lets be honest. It was the sweetest thing I have ever encountered. I was literally saying, "fuck you, and the people who are still there" as I walked back home. I was so happy to be leaving that place, to be leaving Utah. I was about to start a whole new life. I didn't do much before I left, other than hang out with my then girlfriend and work out. I remember April 13 fondly, I spent the night in the sauna at the hotel. I was like 4 pounds over weight and my recruiter was worried so he stayed and made sure I sweated it all out. The next morning I weighed in 15 pounds under what I needed to be. Before that though was hard. My family was in town and they came to see me off along with my girlfriend. That sucked. I have never been so scared. I was literally shaking the entire time. After they left I began to sweat. I was in the sauna doing up/downs like in the wrestling room. I even did the Wyoming shuffle (for all the Alta wrestlers!). We woke up the next morning to go to MEPS. That sucked even more, it was real. I was leaving and there was nothing I could or wanted to do now. After everyone left we ate lunch and drove to the airport.

When you go to MCRD San Diego they put you on a plane and you fly into San Diego, the airport shares a fence line with the Recruit Depot. Its surreal seeing the rappelling tower with big lettering USMC on it. You go to USO and hang out for a bit. A very large black man with a "Smokey Bear" hat came in and said, " if you are here for Marine Corps boot camp, get your god damned nasty bitch ass outside. I swear to God almighty I will fuck you up if you run away. I don't have the time or the inclination to deal with your mommy and daddy fairytale fed ass!!! FUCKING MOVE!!!!!!!" That is where it began.

I remember the night before we graduated, one of the Drill Instructors came in and made us get out of bed. He was obviously drunk, and had something to say. He told us about how we were more than likely going to go somewhere and shoot people. He told us about how we haven't really changed and that we would when that time came. He told us that the lessons we learned here will be life long and be true to those who have gone before and died. For some reason he came up to me and told me that I had a lot to live up too. I remember he told me this, "Even though you're short and kind of quiet, I know you have the ability to be deadly", i still have no idea what he meant by that. We all went to bed after he went into the DI hut and we heard a crash. I didn't sleep a wink that night. I was so nervous as to what was going to happen to me over the next four or so years of my life.

I remember one night in Al Asad. We had just come back from a route clearing mission. This was the old school way, everyone gets on line and walks for like 5 miles. We didn't see anything other than some pictures on bridges of trucks and shit. Well the week prior to this mission we were creating a massive terrain model of Rawah, the city we were going to. Well I was laying in my rack listening to Nagashima's radio which was always on and tuned to BBC radio. When this loud roar went over head followed by a ground shaking boom. We were getting rockets shot at us. I put my gear on, and I remember saying "this shit isn't cool anymore." Naga simply handed me my rifle and we went to the birm. We didn't see anything.

I remember the company firmbase south of the peninsula of Rawah. We were in a open pit gypsum mine so it seemed. The sand was so dusty it made it hard to fill sand bags. The conditions were horrible, dust was getting everywhere. I cleaned my rifle like 14 times a day. We would go through the town and nothing would happen. We didn't get shot at once, until one night. We got lit up pretty good, it definitely made me realize where I was and what i was doing.

I remember laying on the rooftop. I was covering myself with a blanket hoping it would give me more protection from bullets. I remember removing it because that was just a stupid idea, i noticed the tracers going over head. Ours are red, the enemy's were green or some other color. All I saw was green. I remember seeing rounds hitting the wall above my head and the rock and mortar falling on top of me. I remember during the day watching an RPG fly over my head and bounce off the roof directly behind me like 10 feet away. It didn't blow up. I remember everything being quiet, I remember Ill Will hitting gold balls into the city. I remember Clark and I filling a refrigerator with diesel fuel and lighting it on fire, that was a big fire and the smoke was black. I remember the bodies in the street, I remember watching cats eating the bodies as well. I remember watching a guy run away with his finger in his side hoping to stop the bleeding. I remember watching one of the snipers braining a dude on a bike.

I remember patrolling through Fallujah in the middle if the night, you could hear the coughs of sick children. I remember thinking this was the coolest thing in the world. I remember raiding houses in the middle of the night and finding nothing but sleeping families and the fearful women as we roughed up the men for acting tough. I remember following a woman to her baby so she could comfort her newly born child and her asking me to not point my gun at her. I remember pointing the barrel down and realizing that I pointed it at her without thinking a thing. I took off my helmet and gave her some powdered milk that I took from our supply. I remember the fear in her eyes, I remember just wanting to take it all off and sitting down to watch her with her child. I remember feeling horrible about the whole situation. This was just some family we woke up in the middle if the night because we were going off information from another neighbor. The next day we went back the neighbors house and uncovered a small weapons cache. Plus a large sum of money, I took some and handed it to the young mother and told her I was sorry.

I remember the 7-ton truck on its side. I remember the ear on the ground. I remember that like it was yesterday.

I remember coming home my last time and feeling empty. Like I had no reason to do anything. I was getting out and going to college, because that's what you do. I remember feeling that I had nothing to live for anymore. I was just merely a pawn in life, I was falling into the "normal" person pipeline. I was going to go college and get a degree, get married, and have babies. I remember finding the anti-anxiety medication and getting angty that they weren't working. I remember drinking by myself and staring at the wall listening to my girlfriends TV. I remember asking myself, " So this is life? Fuck this shit." I remember going to work and contemplating burning the mans shop down because he knew nothing of what it was like to kill a man. I remember coming home after the year was out and working for Tim. I remember looking at my girlfriend and realizing how fucked up I was. I remember looking at her and realizing how fucked up she was. I looked in the mirror and saw what my body had become, I began to cry.

I remember telling myself that I wasn't a victim, I am a survivor. I chose the life I lead. I remember going to see Ray and talking to him about my feelings. I remember telling him abut the fighting, the carnage, the anger I felt. I told him that I never felt like ending it all, which is very true. I can honestly say I have never thought about suicide. I remember telling him that I was tired of this and I wasn't going to live with it anymore.

I remember my brothers who aren't here, and I miss them. I don't drown the sadness in alcohol because for some reason I don't think they want me to do that. I remember drinking and people looking at me in disappointment. It's like I'm hearing, "what the fuck Allen" all over again. Why are you doing this? Why can't we have one person who doesn't follow the crowd?
I'm not going into the whole. " Memorial Day is another long weekend to some, while its something else to others" bit. I'm simply just stating what this Memorial Day is to me.

I don't really buy into the whole "I deserve, because I did" train of thought simply because I feel it is stupid. I made my choices and you made yours, I don't look down on you for not going my route and I hope you don't look down on me for mine. My experiences and my feelings are just that, mine. I hope they will shape me to become the man I hope to one day be.

To my brothers who I have fought with, I say Semper Fidelis. To my sisters who have gone forth to a job as well I say, Semper Fidelis. To the person who speaks out against me, I say Semper Fidelis. To those who have no idea what its like to go forth and do the things we have done I say, Hi! I'm Seth and its nice to meet you. I look forward to being friends with you.

I remember asking God to take the sorrow and dreams and do with them what he will. I don't have a majority of the dreams anymore except the one. I no longer feel the deep sorrow, but I feel some. I don't feel guilty about coming out relatively unharmed, but i feel blessed. I feel that I have the ability to show the world that even though we have a lot of pain that it will eventually be ok. I feel love again, love for my family, for my friends, and for those who don't have much love in their lives.

That is my Memorial Day.

Just so you know...

I love you and value you as a person.

I tend to keep to myself a lot of my feelings, except for some I express on here. I want you to know that I feel your pain, I want you to know you aren't alone. Even though I tend to come off as not friendly I really am easy to talk to. I want to see you succeed, I want to see you push yourself beyond your limits.

We all have our stories, we all have or trial and tribulations. I may not be right there with with you, but I'm there. If you need me to share the load just let me know. I always have room in my pack for a friend in need. I wont hold it against you, I wont expect it in return. Sometimes we all need a little help. I know this, because I need help too.

I will be the first to give it to you straight and I want you to do the same for me. Don't beat around the bush because you know I won't.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't expect you to be perfect because I am far from it. I don't expect you to listen to everything I have to say. I don't expect you to be there every time I need you to be. However, don't come to me when everything is bad. Come to me when its good too. Be genuine with me, because I am to you.

I love you and value you as a person. I respect you for what you are, not for what you are not.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't care if you aren't tough, I don't care if you think you are weak. Those can be changed, if you willingly want to change that. You can be tough and strong and still feel for people and situations. In fact you have to be to do those things. It take a strong person to feel for someone, it takes a tough person to want to be there for someone. It also takes a strong and tough person to tell someone that they will no longer put up with someones shit. Because sometimes, you just have to cut off the branch that has the disease in order to save the bush.

I love you and value you as a person. I like your weird quirks. It makes you special to me. if you were like everyone else you would be everyone else. I love you for you.

I love you and value you as a person. I don't compare you to me. You aren't me, I am me. There are many Seth Allen's in this world but there is only one me. We have made many different choices in our lives, mine have put me in different places. You can't compare apples to chickens can you?

I love you and value you as a person.

Love,
Seth