Wednesday, February 3, 2010


So I'm sitting in class right now, its been a really interesting few weeks. It started when I had an interview about women in the military and in particular combat. I'm not going to get into my feelings on the subject just how it started something in me. I remember the day well, June 29, 2005 a day that will never escape my mind. I remember seeing the truck burning, I remember seeing the Marines in pain. I remember shooting at nothing because we thought we were getting shit at. The truck was on its side, I could smell the vile smell of burnt flesh throughout the air. That's a smell that never leaves you, it sticks in the nostrils. I don't want to get more vivid than that so that's where it will end. I remember returning to the CP afterwords to see a young female still in her gear rocking back and forth saying " I saw him, I saw him..." and just not feeling anything for her. We as a squad got together to talk about this and promise each other the remain super vigilant because we were leaving soon. I didn't really think much of it after that.
Well almost 5 years later I was sent an email with a personal message asking to talk to a couple of students making a documentary on said subject. I reluctantly agreed. When I mentioned that I had fought in Fallujah twice, the girl asked when. I gave her the dates and she then asked about the convoy attack. It all came back, like a ton of bricks falling on my head. I remembered seeing the truck get hit. I remembered everything. I was able to hold back throughout the rest of the interview. Well afterwords I walked out to my car and just exploded into tears. I sat there for about an hour just crying. I can't really explain it, but it was just too much to hold in. I usually don't have "nightmares" or "flashbacks", but when I do, I do. They never go away, they just come when they are least expected. I feel vulnerable when this happens, I don't like it. So I tend to withdraw. I tell the boys at the home I work at that emotions are good. I tell them its alright to let your guard down. I never tell myself that.
Well I have found myself opening up a lot lately. I feel better than ever, I am happy with where I'm at, not content. It's been a pretty recent thing for me to say, but I'm returning to the "whetstone" so to speak. I heard this phrase from a Marine that I really look up to. He was talking about how a warrior will always return to his "whetstone" to sharpen his tools and his spirit. The warrior is a student, a constant student. So I have taken his talk and decided to return to my whetstone. I'm feeling it has been far too long since I have sharpened both my mind and body.
I'm not the man I want to be...yet.


  1. Good post brother! Well spoken from the heart, I remember that day as well... We worked with some of those female dog handlers I've got a picture on my computer of one with her dog, don't know if she was killed that day or not but I was told she was... Going back to the wet stone is right where we need to be, sharpened and fine tuned to be used by our creator in the ways that he sees fit. Everyone has a purpose in life and in discovering what that is we discover the meaning to life and the special rewards that are in store for us! Thank you for opening up, I've been doing the same recently as well and catch myself talking about things and while still talking think why am I talking about this? Its a good healing process though, God will use our experiences for his Glory. God bless you seth