Life on the block...

I walk through the street of garbage and stank,

on my chest I wear a rank.

A rifle loaded,

a mind set to kill.

In this arena I find the thrill,

the thrill of the hunt.

The feelings of fear, loneliness,

fatigue, and wonder.

I do shunt,

to let flow from my body.

For those are naughty,

I am strong, my endurance is long.

While my friends back home do nothing but plunder,

they waste their lives in drama and beer.

Sleeping with the girl,

while others cheer.

I fight the good fight,

I fight through the night.

I wake up and start over again,

back into the heart of the wolves den.

To walk the streets of depression and despair.

I sit in whole,

about to allow the escape of the bearded man's soul.

I see through the lens,

as his life ends.

To go home and pretend its okey,

to dream about being happy one day.

To be rid of this life,

to be free and clean.

For this isn't life, life being mean.

Don't let the pain get you down,

for that bitch is a clown.

She thinks she has won,

for now you are gone.

She is free, she clear,

for your voice she doesn't have to hear.

To share a bed,

to kiss her on her head.

That's the life you want?

To have him their,

to have him near.

For it is him who makes things clear,

he is the hero, she is the villain.

Sitting on the porch drinkin' beer and chillin'

That's the life you want?

Back on the block?

Life of dreams you do hawk?

For I walk the street,

the plane and so meek?

Or do I follow road,

to all things unknown?

To accept adventure,

to face the danger.

Being rejected,

having my heart neglected.

To be torn apart,

by some flouzy tart.

That' the point of it,

to live it, to love it, to be a part of it.

I walk through the street of garbage and stank,

on my chest I wear a rank.

With rifle in my hand,

like a part of a band.

Looking for bounty,

looking to fight.

Looking to make things right.

I am wild at heart,

the adventure of life for has done more than start.

I belong outside,

while you and the others hide.

Behind your achievements,

behind your front.

For it is life that I hunt.

I take my chances,

in life's dances.

No one knows and never will,

what it is like to climb my hill.

To see the top,

around it I do hop.

Because I left the block,

I didn't use the rock.

I wanted more,

to get away from the whore,

that is mediocrity.

That is a life only validated by social status,

because for me, I won't put living on hiatus.

Take your degree, take you bolstered salary,

indulge in those expensive calories.

Live behind your mask,

don't accept the task.

Don't share in my adventure,

making him or her the obstacle to conquer.

Get bored, get tired,

leave the wife and the kids you sired.

Because it is someone else you desired,

you don't have a battle, you don't have a fight.

You live your life through cowardice and fright.

For I walk through the street of garbage and stank,

I have earned the thing on my chest known as rank.

Watch me...

You tell me I'm too short,

you told me I was fat.

You said I couldn't do this,

you wagered I wouldn't do that.

You said I was too slow,

too stupid, too dumb.

You laughed at how fast I couldn't run.

You said I wasn't good enough,

you said I was a dweeb.

You said I should just end my life,

for it suits the worlds need.

I didn't belong,

because my religion was wrong.

You said said I wasn't man enough,

you said I was a wimp.

You said the thought of my presence made your body go limp,

the mere thought of my affection, was root of your infection,

the gag, the gross, the all encompassing eww,

I was a fool to think I had a chance with you.

Now they all are living their lives,

busy busy like bees in hive.

Taking care of their kids,

replacing the lids on their garbage cans on the street.

Their dreams washed away,

like that stain they thought would stay.

Wondering what it is like to live,

doing nothing but give.

To their children, to others lives.

They no not what its like to fight for someone else's life,

to really know what it means to be in strife.

They told me I was weak,

they told me I was dumb.

Big things to me would never come.

They said I wouldn't do it,

they said I couldn't do it.

Live a life of excitement and danger,

to share a life with a complete stranger.

To see the sunset on the Siwa desert,

to swim in the canals of Venice.

Smell the old stone and incense of the Sistine,

to see jungles so pristine.

To hold a life in your hands,

and watch it fade away.

That was one day, they said would never happen.

Because I was too slow, too short,

not good enough for their sport.

I would never have the chance,

to ask you to dance.

Because I wasn't cool,

I acted like a fool,

My religion was wrong,

I didn't like the popular song.

Now I live a life of adventure,

full of journeys and discovery.

Live a life after recovery,

from the injuries you gave.

By the reputation you had to save.

You look at me with those eyes of guilt,

for its your soul that will wilt.

You told me I couldn't do it,

you believed I didn't have the nuts to do it.

I would never stack up,

the points would never rack up.

Because I wasn't good enough,

because I wasn't part of the club.

Derogatory names for me you did dub,

like smalliams, dwarf, fugly, and dweeb.

That's fine. Believe what you want,

for in your dreams you haunt.

By the life you don't have,

by the things you won't be.

Then you will look at me,

you will say, but he was too slow.

He was too short,

he didn't stand a chance.

I wish he would ask me to dance,

I want him to ask me out.

For now he has the clout,

he may still be short,

he is really good at the sport.

He is actually smart,

he has a great heart.

I see that he could,

even though I didn't think he would.

For I am stuck in my house,

like a minuscule mouse.

Playing the game,

that my my life is to blame.

All the adventure,

all the experiences.

Yet, I am stuck behind these fences,

of my own ignorance.

He told me " Really?"

I said yes.

You are too short, too slow, too fat, and too dumb,

nothing good in life for you will come.

You may believe it is true,

but I will not wear that shoe.

I won't put that on my heart,

for my life has done more than start.

I have lived a life of danger,

to know me now is to forget the stranger.

For I am about to start another adventure.

For those who tell me I can't,

for those who tell me I won't.

The ones that say I'm too fat, too slow, too dumb,

and nothing good in my life will come.

The ones that I don't stand a chance,

to be included in this dance.

For I am a dweeb,

for I am not cool.

Because over you,

is thought that I drool.

You think you are better than me,

because you think that my time is free.

All I have to say to you is this......

Watch me.

Hmmm...

So, like many other days today has been another eye opener.

I'm not a fan of holidays. I don't care for Thanksgiving even though I am a very thankful person. I have been through so much and have lost so many things I need to be thankful for what I have. I don't really know why I have such a strong disdain for this day but I just can't seem to get excited about it. Sure the food is great and being around family is great but I just don't get excited about it. I am not a fan of Christmas either. This just makes me look like a total ass hole doesn't it? With Christmas it's mostly music and the front that many people put on just because "it's the season" if you are a jerk 364 days out of the year why change for one day? Consistency people consistency...

This is wrong though. I should be excited for these things. I come off as quite the curmudgeon and that isn't me. My brother Jim and I talked about it today before the run. He told me that he too hated the holidays for quite some time. (pause)

Jim has been a role-model/older brother to me. He has been there to talk to me about life and what has been causing me pain. He and I have a similar background in the upbringing and life choices realm. He was one of few friends that came to see me when I got home from Iraq the first time and sensed that I wasn't alright. He has sat and listened to me talk about what was going on without judgement. I have cried around him, I have been down around him. He is the guy I call to go somewhere to get away and just let things out. We went camping this summer and we were able to get somethings off our chests. It was awesome...

(game on) He was telling me that what I am feeling is pretty natural for a guy who has been through the things I have been through. See those days have been just days for me. There is nothing more lonely then a Christmas away from home. Especially when you are sitting in a hole in the middle of a country where no one wants you around. Christmas sucks when instead of hoping to get some good stuff from family, friends, lovers..etc. You are hoping to make it back to the COP under your own power. Yea... Just know its another shitty feeling when you can't eat a Christmas dinner because there isn't enough food to go around and the other were eating while you were trying not to get hit. Anyway enough of that stuff. It just kind of becomes another day of disappointment. Well he told me that he found joy in watching his kids on those days. They get excited about the food on turkey day. They get excited about the events that surround the Christmas season. He looks forward to that. Thinking about that has kind of made me want to find something about this season to be excited about. I was thinking about this on the drive back to my house in Salt Lake. I would love to find a family in need or someone who is in worse shape then the norm and make them feel loved. I would love to just show up with presents and food and just tell them that they are loved. That is something I can do. I can do that and not expect anything from it. I will have to wait until I actually make some sort of money haha! That is the stuff that makes me come alive. I wouldn't tell anyone about it, I would just go off for a little bit and do it. As I sat and watched the kids this evening I could see why he is the way he is. They were happy and care free.

I think about my family and how we interact. It sure is something that is solely a "our family" thing. I know that there are many families similar to mine but they aren't my family. I have been through so much just being around them. A lot of disappointment, a lot of happiness, a lot of accountability as well. It has been pretty interesting to say the least. I can honestly say a lot of the reasons I have done so well with all the shit I have been through is because of them. I have some amazing friends as well. They range from professional athletes to teachers and businessmen. They have played a huge roll in my life. A lot of the reasons I have taken the steps necessary to deal with my issues is because of them. They know me very well, they know when I am hurting and pretending everything is ok. They will call me out and make me talk about it and justify my beliefs.

I may think that my life is kind of a pot of nasty stew right now but its not. I'm not a drunk and violent ass hole. I'm not dependent on medications to make it out the door in the morning. I am able to buy guns because I'm not felon nor a wife beater. I have good relationships with my friends and family. I am on my way to graduating from a very good school and starting a semi-regular and very honorable career. I am starting to come alive again! Maybe that is what I need to focus on to get started liking the holidays again. Who knows...

Open the eyes of my heart...

They run around laughing and playing,

without a care in the world.

Eyes wide open and arms flailing about,

with happiness and eagerness they begin to shout.

Games over here, puzzles over there,

there is a tone of joy buzzing in the air.

There is something to be done,

all they want is to have fun.

The innocence still present,

the world is left unknown,

for later in life it will be shown.

There are so many things they don't need to see,

so many things they need to be kept free.

We protect them, we teach them,

from the evils of the world, to be right

and to be pure.

For if they remain that way,

success is for sure.

Give them their masculinity,

teach them to find their heart.

Tell her she is beautiful,

lovely and smart.

That's what they need for a good start.

To begin the fight,

in this world at war.

For they will join it upon going out the door.

The sins of the Father are sure to be felt,

by the pain that the boy has been dealt.

The daughter will wonder if she is good enough,

to be able to make it in a world that is tough.

They will be strong, they will be good.

They have the tools,

to fight away the fools.

To be great, that is their fate.

There is a lot to be said about a swimmer. I have never been a competitive swimmer nor have I really been a great swimmer. I have been swimming a lot lately and I have grown to love it dearly. There is just something about feeling the water flow across my body as I swim through the aquatic abyss that is either a pool, large lake, or the Mediterranean. I can't really describe it...

It encompasses my body like a warm hug from a loved one,

it takes me for a ride.

I feel the power of my body as I pull through the waves,

sneaking breath every few strokes.

I feel the strength growing and my body moving.

The silence found in the solidarity of the swim is almost hypnotizing,

I face the fear of capsizing.

To altogether stop moving and sinking,

is not what I'm even coming close to thinking.

As with life, you move one stroke at a time like you live one day at time.

I want to fight...

I want to fight for you,

I want to show that I am true.

I want to walk with you,

I want to be one with you.

I will share my strength with you,

and share what the world with you.

I am a wolf and I am a sheep,

for I am victim of the wounds for which I weep.

My own pride, from which I hide behind,

is my own battle.

If you shake me, you will see that a rattle,

I am weak, I am meek.

Of these fears is what I speak,

No one knows, and never will.

Will join me at the top of the hill?

I want to fight for you,

I want to show that I am true.

All these things I want to do for you.

Come into my life and free me of these burdens,

I have grown weary and need rest.

For so long I have been put to the test,

a test, a fight, a competition of might.

I cannot win on my own, for the strength of mine has flown.

Like a bird in the sky, it has spread its wings and and climbed so high.

I've given my heart away, how long will it be away?

I don't know. I can see it, I can feel it. It's so close but I can't reach.

What is it you are trying to teach?

To let go? To hold on? To be patient? To fight?

I want to see your light.

For you I want to fight.

To show that I am true.

In all the things I do.

A man walks along the tree line thinking about life.

He see's the forest, he can smell the trees.

He touches the dirt, brushes it off of his knees.

He longs for answers to the questions in his mind,

he thinks of the things he has left behind.

The women, the money, the constant battle within,

it is only now where his journey will begin.

He feels so lonely, he feels so hurt,

If they were to leave me, what would I do?

He continues his journey along the tree line.

He see's the peak ahead, so daunting and high

Can I do this?

I want to do this.

Masculinity and Posers...

So one thing I have noticed is that I don't let a lot of people get in close with me. I don't let people get inside and really learn a whole lot about me. All the girlfriends I have had, the people I call my close friends...are close but not really. People often think they know me, they think they know what makes me tick. Sadly, for the most part it isn't true. There are a few who do but they are so few and far between. This is due to me not trusting people. I don't trust people and I'm afraid of relationships. I'm afraid that they will get to know me and they will find out that I am not what I put out as persona.

I can't even write the truth...this is supposed to be my place to write how I feel and I can't even do it right now. I have been through a lot in my short life and I have a lot going for me. If you were to take all of it away what would I be? If you were to take away my walks through hell what would I be? If you were to take all of my "skills" what would I be? If you were to take all of my travels, all of me experiences away and put me in a box what would I be? If you were to take away the love I have given so many what would I be? Would I be an empty shell? Would I be a poser? This is something I struggle with. All of the experiences I have. All of "skills" I have and the amount of love and strength I can give can be taken away and it will leave me with what? I don't know. What I do know is that all of that doesn't encapsulate me. That doesn't define me if you will. What defines me, what makes me who I am is something that may take me quite a while to figure out. Or I could wake up tomorrow morning and have a good idea of what that is. This is something I will be exploring for a while to come. Honestly this has been coming for a long time. Now I am just convicted and I need to roger up to the call. I have been living under a front for quite some time.

Where does my masculinity come from? Where did I get the "you are a man, and you can do this" from? Did I get it from my father? Sadly, no. I don't know...

I would love to say that I have had some sort of intervention that stems from external circumstances but let's be honest... It's simply not the case. It's all on me and God. Yes, the way the things have played are on me. Or are they? See I'm really not the one in control. Whether or not you believe there is a higher power or not you really don't control much of anything. You can do everything right in your mind but somebody or something else will come along and trash it. For example; you raise a child in a loving home and he or she goes and commits murder. Or you are treating your significant other with love and respect and they become unfaithful. You don't control that. You don't control the selfish person who drinks a 5th of Maker's Mark and gets in their vehicle and plows into your front yard and destroys your house, your award winning rose bushes and squishes your pure bred poodle.

I have been pulling my masculinity from the things I have done. Being able to shoot a gun doesn't make you a man. Being able to throw a football doesn't make you a man. Getting a hooker on a lonely night doesn't make you a man...it makes you disgusting. What makes you a man is really between you and whomever you call your higher being. If that higher being is you well then there you go... I guess. I can't do this on my own. I will never be truly happy until I decide to stop pulling my masculinity from the activities I indulge in. I won't find my true masculinity until I find my heart. I know I have one, I couldn't do the things I have done without one. I just need to find what makes it do what it does.

I am awake and I am aware. I am hurting and have been for some time. What causes that pain is something I will find out. I know that I am capable of being a loving person because I care. I know that I am a man because of the way I am choosing to take on this pain and to finally get rid of it. I know I have a heart somewhere that longs to be freed and allowed to be shared with others in a way never seen before. I don't need to find validation in other people they don't write my report card so to speak. I need to let myself be loved. I need to surrender my pain, my wounds and begin to heal. Until then I am keeping the true me from the people around me. Let's do this...