Validation.

Where do I find validation? With whom do I find validation?

Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good...

So I am reading this book "Wild At Heart" and so far it has been very insightful. The author is pointing out a lot of feelings and concerns that I have as a "man." Or what I consider a man. We as the male gender grow up doing things we think are considered "manly" like play Cowboys and Indians. Which honestly I still like to play except its more like Cowboy and beautiful Indian Girl and I chase her around... Anyway, how do we as a society view men? They drink beer, chase women all over kingdom come, watch sports, and work. They bring home the bacon so to speak. That's all fine and dandy. If it came down to a list of things I can do that is manly it would go something like the following

Manly Activities:

Change a tire

Change the oil

Kill and prepare a deer/elk/ other large animal

Hike

Camp

Load/clean/shoot a gun...well.

Sleep with a woman

Fight with my fists

wrestle

Throw a football

Lead others

Blow stuff up

Drink Beer

Make a damn fine dinner of meat and vegetables

etc...

Thats a decent list I guess. However, am I truly living? Or am I just passing time until the next thing in life comes around? I have been feeling this emptiness inside for sometime. I have always had a religious side to me. I may not be the best church go'er. I knowingly commit sins on a daily basis. I tend to pray when I am in need and that is really about it. I tend to pick battles that I know I will win instead of just going at it to see what happens. This needs to end. I need to start living again and living for the right reasons. I want to live for a deeper purpose than just to live. Proverbs 20;5 says that " The purposes of a man's heart is deeper than water..." I couldn't agree more.

I have been down a lot recently due to some "failures" in my life. The dating scene has been pretty rough but it has also been a ton of fun. In my past relationships I must confess I viewed the woman as the adventure. I thought that I needed to conquer them and all would be satisfied. Well when I ended up "conquering" or winning them over I found that I would get bored and just end it. For some reason I always thought there was something wrong with that train of thought. Well now I agree that it is totally the wrong way to think. When I beat something or I accomplish a set task I find that I move on and go the the next thing to beat or to accomplish. Instead of living through the experience just to get it done I need to live through the experience and actually live. I have been thinking a lot about my summer trips to distant locations and places rarely seen by others. I remember thinking how alive I was. I was uncaged and able to really open up. For example, when I was living in California a few friends took me to Pismo Beach where we camped out and just lived. My friend Laura really had to coerce me into going because I wasn't to thrilled with idea of going with people that I have never met. Well I reluctantly accepted the invitation and I left for the weekend. I was afraid they were going to see my real personality and not like it. So for a second I played the Marine card and stayed cold faced and closed off. When I saw that Laura wasn't happy with me or the situation I decided to just throw caution to the wind and to just live. I was free from my cage, I was open, I was able to explore my natural wild persona. I'm not saying "wild" as in crazy drunk violent ass hole fashion but the uncaged animal in the open. I was able really live and enjoy the creation that was around me. After returning to my apartment in Southern California I received a message from her and some others that were present. They all said that they saw a side of me that they never thought posible. They never saw me that happy and that open. They told me that they really enjoyed that side of me. I sit back and think of that time and all that comes to mind is a bird in flight. Just enjoying the flight. I remember being in Egypt and wanting to go out to the deserts and just being free. The most open ground in the world is the desert. There literally is nothing to cage you in or to hold you back from going anywhere. It is magnificent. We would go out for days and just explore and not have anything to keep us from moving. Again, my friends that were there with me saw a side of me that they had never seen or thought possible. I sang songs to my friend Gabby, I danced with my friend Tyler, and I explored the beaches of Matrouh with Wassam. I remember being in Thailand. We were looking for a place to eat, walking all over the place and asking about restaurants and diners. I was open and free.

I digress back to my writing about women. My focus has been on conquering her, winning her over, viewing her as the adventure. Only I would enjoy that, I was the only one who knew how it felt to explore. She never got to experience my feelings of climbing the mountain. She never got to experience the adventure. I need to shift my focus from her being the adventure to sharing the adventure with her. All of the travels I have done, all the great experiences I have had were amazing. I am very lucky to been able to do the things that I have done. However, the best part of those adventures was the fact that I shared the experience with other people. I said I was going to not only climb that mountain, not only am I going to see that Pyramid, not only am I going to go play soccer with Egyptian players, not only am I going to explore Venice. I am going to do it with you. We will conquer all of these things together, we will have that between the two of us. My focus is not conquering her. My focus is not winning her over. My focus will be on fighting to get her. My fight will be for her, not at her.

As for me, I am going to face my fears of being outed as a fake. I am not a fake. I know that I am a man of value. I am capable of being the man I need to be. I have a fascination with Lions. I love everything about them, their muscular bodies, their beautifully long haired mane, the intimidating growl, oh and just the way they walk. I am obsessed... Well it sounds corny but I view myself as lion. It's kind of an odd comparison but I do it. The lion protects his pride, the lion hunts when it pleases. It basically just lives the life of king. I don't agree with how the male lion eats before the female lion and the cubs but hey, they do what they want. The lion doesn't merely live to pass time. It lives to live. I'm not here to pass time, I am here to live and I am going to live.

I am looking forward to exploring my masculinity and finding my heart. I have been missing that for quite some time. Without my heart how can I expect to give some of it to someone? How do I truly live without it? Going back to my discussion of exploring and conquering on my own verses with others, that is the key piece. I wasn't looking to conquer someone I was looking to conquer with someone. I knew that I needed to be real to share with the ones I am close to and care for. By having the heart within me happy and healthy I am able to enjoy living. When I have my wild heart I am able to live wild at heart.

Yea that's tight you're outta sight! Your left, right, your left!

Hey PSG get buys one time!

So it is Veteran's day weekend and I am a veteran. Yay. This is a weekend of reflection and self actualization. I am kind of lost as to what I really want to do with my life right now. I know I want to be something awesome, I know I want to do something that will make me happy.

This has been a relatively interesting summer/fall/ winter for me. I have learned a lot about myself and other people. It's funny what you learn when you sit back and watch the forest for the trees.

I have lived my life in fashion that has kept me from doing a lot of stupid shit. I'm not a drug addict, I'm not a raging alcoholic and I sure as hell am not a violent ass hole. All of which seem to cover a majority of the people that have come from my background.

I have to be honest with myself though. I have a feeling of absence in my body. I feel like I am missing out on something great. It's not a woman... that is a fact. I'm not sure what it is.

I don't have much time left in this chapter of my life and to be honest I am excited and sad to see it go. I am excited because it means that I have met a very important gate in my set of life goals. I am excited because it means I can move on with my life and explore other ventures. I am sad because with me leaving this chapter I will leave behind some fantastic people and places. There are many things I wish had gone different but it has been a experience and as my dear friend Blake Bassett say's, "We are experience collectors"...truer words have yet to be spoken.

I am going to go and buy a book. It's called "Wild at Heart"... its a guide to the man's soul and the secret to his masculinity. I am also going to finish Hero Living by my Friend Rudy Reyes. Let's see what I can learn from them!

Had I known I was going to feel this way..I would have never jumped in the water.

So I have been single for a few months now. I know I wont be single for my entire life but some days I feel that I will never find someone who will be the right one for me. As for how I am feeling right now...well lets just say its been a shitty way of having to be reminded of why you don't mix business with pleasure...

Never again will I date someone that I work with. Never again will I play a game of having to be someone I'm not. I am a person of value, and my time is precious. They will have to earn my time and my affection...

Anyway, I knew it wasn't going to end well. I wish that it could have but then again I am older and wiser and I should have known better. I realize that I am being a dramatic about this and it happens all the time. I don't want to be the adult but I have to be.

My conclusion

When this year is over...you are out of my life.

My Dreams...

So I have been having this dream for a while, I want to buy a truck and an Air Stream trailer. I want to trave across America and see the sites that I haven't had the opportunity to do. I think it would be awesome. The truck wouldn't be anything special. Just a two seater with a radio and air conditioning. It would have to have a V-8 though. Like I said pretty simple. In the trailer would be a bed and kitchen with a bathroom and a bed. Possibly big enough for two people. I would have a piece of astro-turf big enough for a small table and one possibly two lawn chairs. On the side of the trailer would be a roll out awning. You know for shade and what not. I would go and drive for days and just stop and pull over where ever I decided was a good place to stop. I want to go through Joshua tree and all up the Pacific Coast highway. Then down south to the Appalachian trail. I would go all over the place! Maybe have a d dog with me. Possibly a woman who knows. Women aren't a top priority for me as is a truck and trailer. It would just be nice to share that with someone.

I also want a house on plot of land. I'm not talking about a massive house just a house that will hold me and whoever comfortably. Maybe have some horses and what not. That would be nice...

I want to go run on the Great Wall of China. That would be so awesome. I have yet to meet someone who has actually done that.

I want to be someone. I want to be the type of person people look to for advice on whatever they feel they need help with. I love helping people and watching them advance.

I wish I had a good singing voice. Because I know I would make an outstanding entertainer. I would write the songs that people could identify with and love. Plus my concerts would be something that people would travel days to come and see.

I want to be a skydiving Elvis impersonator. I don't know why, but I think it would be one of those things that would be just so unique.

I want to be a poet.

I dream of the day that I can say, "thats a life to be proud of."

I dream of the day that people can trust each other again. It saddens me to no end that a majority of people can't put trust in their fellow man.

I dream of one day being able to go to family in need and providing them the means to give their childChristmas they deserve.

I have so many dreams...

Sounds good to me...

I will stay fly...