My insecurities...and why they are pure bullshit.

So I'm going to go out on a limb here and just let it out. This is my area and I do what I want.

1. I feel as if I am not man enough...
Ok, let's think about this one. How am I not man enough? I earned the title of United States Marine, I have fought in a war... So that's not really a good example. I have been through more shitty situations then most people I know. Other than going to war, I have lived through watching loved ones send themselves to hell and back. I have dealt with addiction and have been clean for quite sometime. I have been able to shelf my pride on many occasions in order to make situations a lot easier for both myself and others. Adversity... I feel the difference between a man and some person who owns male genitalia is how they deal with adversity. I really don't know of any other way of dealing with it. I have to take it straight on and see what happens. Sometimes I lose and sometimes I win. Either way I end up better then how I was before. If I lose, I always come back and win...and smile. I have owned up to my fears and faced them on many occasions. I accept responsibility and I learn from my mistake.I can accept a situation for what it is.

2. Women won't find me desirable...
Yea, I don't understand this one. I have no problem getting dates. I have no problems when it comes to treating them the way they need to be treated. I just need to realize that it's not me. It's them. I am comfortable with who I am. I know that I have a lot to offer someone if they deserve it. Yes, I said it. If they deserve it. That's another problem. I need to realize that it's not a one way street. They need to be just as involved as I am. If they forget my name after talking to me for a couple of hours then they need to take a walk. Obviously they don't have taste. I know what the inside of the Sistine Chapel smells like. Don't even think that you can sit at the same table as me...

3. I will never be accepted...
Accepted to what? The "mainstream"? Who cares? Most people in this society are petty and ignorant...

4. People wont take me seriously...
Those who know me do, thats all that matters.

5. I'm not sociable...
Have I seen me at a bar/party/gathering? C'mon Seth...

6. I'm not what is considered "in"...
Ok, so I'm not jacked and tan. I won't die of a heart attack at 38 nor will I get skin cancer. Tough luck. I don't find house music appealing and I don't drink myself stupid every weeknight/weekend. Look who doesn't have to deal with drama that comes from talking to the wrong girl last night? Look who doesn't have to worry about his car getting keyed (anymore). Look who doesn't double over in pain whilst crawling to the bathroom to pee!

7. I haven't seen enough of the world...
See number 2...

Thats all I can really think about right now. I am going to take this week and some self reflection and return to this...

Whats going through my mind...

I need to move on. I need to get out of this place and learn from my mistakes.

So I have come to some conclusions about life. I will share them with you now...

Women are crazy.

Men are dumb.

I am awesome.

I have some awesome people in my life.

Doctors have no personality.

The VA sucks.

Westminster College is a hot bed of attractive young girls...

My Subaru isn't the least bit masculine but what the fuck do I have to prove?

I am not getting old, I am getting awesome.

Little kids are like monkeys.

Cougars are a funny breed.

I don't want to be a cop.

Anyway there is more to come but not right now.

Well...

So I would love it if God would smile on me sometime soon. I need a new job, I want to start to move on with my life.

I just need to yell...

Weekend processing...

So I have been really excited for this weekend. My youngest cousin got married to a guy she has know her entire life basically and I was able to see family that I hadn't seen in a couple of years. It has been so much fun sharing in this momentous occasion with the the people that have been around forever!

It does make me think of a few things though. Like how just a few years ago I thought that I wasn't going to be able to see family ever again. People take life and special occasions for granted all the time. They live simply for the weekend and that's really about it. I understand that I don't have the same experiences as 99% people my age, but that's what makes this stuff so exciting. Organization is another thing I noticed...well the importance of it. It's crazy to be on the outside looking in on all of the working parts...er more like the not well lubricated grinding parts. To see the stress it causes isn't something to brag about either.

You also learn a lot about your family and how they seem to get along. You learn about how things were when they were younger and it makes sense of certain behaviors. It doesn't mean they are okay by any means it just kind of gives you a sense of what is going on.

I'm in no rush to get married by any measure whatsoever, but I do know that when the right one comes along I will definitely look forward to it. Weddings are one of those life events that can be a great thing in someones life. I have been close a couple of times but it just never felt right. The girl just didn't do it for me in the sense that I couldn't see myself being with them forever. I couldn't see myself wanting have to make sacrifices for them that would be life changing. That is what it's all about in my mind.

I like to think about the differences in my life versus others. I don't see them as better or worse, I just see them and appreciate. I don't think everyone should know what it is really like to fear for your own life. I don't feel that everyone should have to take another persons life to really appreciate what it means. I do know what those feelings are like and I know how it has affected me and others who have done so as well. That is a feeling that is common among us. It's also common that we volunteered to such acts. What I am getting at is that we all choose the direction in which our lives go. Some don't agree with me, but some do. The counter argument to that statement would be the religious one. God has a plan for us, which I totally agree with. However, if we choose not to follow it then we may get to deal with the consequences. I think my path is the one God has chosen for me. Why else would he have given me the tools to be as successful as I have been?

So many things are coming my way in the near future, let's see how I handle them...

Here we go again...

So here we go again. The dating scene...

You know I have never really had any trouble getting a date. I have never really had any trouble with women. That is until I came back to Utah. Granted I am not LDS, and I'm not rich. I have a few stikes against me due to my current situation. However, I don't see how they are all that bad.

Maybe I try to talk to much? I am a social creature. I like to talk with people, I like to go out and do fun things. I think that could be a bad habit? I don't know...

There are a few things that I look for. Obviously the first thing is the smile. I love a great smile, especially when I cause them. I find it most amusing to make someone laugh and feel relaxed. I love it!

I am a faithful person. I have to be, its just how I do things.

I actually do have a lot to offer someone. I am both brutally handsome and handy. I can fix most things and cook a great meal. Plus I am good at a few other things...

Whatever, dating sucks.

So we begin again...

So we begin to look again.

This time I am letting someone else guide me...

This time I'm thinking more about me...

This time I keep it separate from the other life...

This time I stay true to myself...