Weekend processing...

So I have been really excited for this weekend. My youngest cousin got married to a guy she has know her entire life basically and I was able to see family that I hadn't seen in a couple of years. It has been so much fun sharing in this momentous occasion with the the people that have been around forever!

It does make me think of a few things though. Like how just a few years ago I thought that I wasn't going to be able to see family ever again. People take life and special occasions for granted all the time. They live simply for the weekend and that's really about it. I understand that I don't have the same experiences as 99% people my age, but that's what makes this stuff so exciting. Organization is another thing I noticed...well the importance of it. It's crazy to be on the outside looking in on all of the working parts...er more like the not well lubricated grinding parts. To see the stress it causes isn't something to brag about either.

You also learn a lot about your family and how they seem to get along. You learn about how things were when they were younger and it makes sense of certain behaviors. It doesn't mean they are okay by any means it just kind of gives you a sense of what is going on.

I'm in no rush to get married by any measure whatsoever, but I do know that when the right one comes along I will definitely look forward to it. Weddings are one of those life events that can be a great thing in someones life. I have been close a couple of times but it just never felt right. The girl just didn't do it for me in the sense that I couldn't see myself being with them forever. I couldn't see myself wanting have to make sacrifices for them that would be life changing. That is what it's all about in my mind.

I like to think about the differences in my life versus others. I don't see them as better or worse, I just see them and appreciate. I don't think everyone should know what it is really like to fear for your own life. I don't feel that everyone should have to take another persons life to really appreciate what it means. I do know what those feelings are like and I know how it has affected me and others who have done so as well. That is a feeling that is common among us. It's also common that we volunteered to such acts. What I am getting at is that we all choose the direction in which our lives go. Some don't agree with me, but some do. The counter argument to that statement would be the religious one. God has a plan for us, which I totally agree with. However, if we choose not to follow it then we may get to deal with the consequences. I think my path is the one God has chosen for me. Why else would he have given me the tools to be as successful as I have been?

So many things are coming my way in the near future, let's see how I handle them...

Here we go again...

So here we go again. The dating scene...

You know I have never really had any trouble getting a date. I have never really had any trouble with women. That is until I came back to Utah. Granted I am not LDS, and I'm not rich. I have a few stikes against me due to my current situation. However, I don't see how they are all that bad.

Maybe I try to talk to much? I am a social creature. I like to talk with people, I like to go out and do fun things. I think that could be a bad habit? I don't know...

There are a few things that I look for. Obviously the first thing is the smile. I love a great smile, especially when I cause them. I find it most amusing to make someone laugh and feel relaxed. I love it!

I am a faithful person. I have to be, its just how I do things.

I actually do have a lot to offer someone. I am both brutally handsome and handy. I can fix most things and cook a great meal. Plus I am good at a few other things...

Whatever, dating sucks.

So we begin again...

So we begin to look again.

This time I am letting someone else guide me...

This time I'm thinking more about me...

This time I keep it separate from the other life...

This time I stay true to myself...

Confusion...

Why am I trying to do this? It's not like I want it to go anywhere. Sure I made some mistakes, I should have listened from the start. It's not going to to be the same as it was before, even though I want it to be. Or do I?

I don't know. Grrrrrr! I just want this to be easy. However, I'm Seth and nothing is easy...ever. I spoke my peace, I understand why it happened.

I have other things to focus on but I can't. Yes I can. I know I can...

There is a future out there for me...somewhere.

I have a lot of opportunities coming down the pipe. I have an interview, I have a meet and greet. Hopefully that shows some sort of promise. I need to find something else.

I'm not confused. I am going to be fine.

Why I do what I do...

So it has come time for me to re-focus and check my azimuth. Why am I here?

I am getting and education so I can provide for myself and someday probably a family type thing. I want to become a professional something that does work for those in some sort of need. Whether it being someone who was unfairly treated or someone who just needs some sort of legal assistance. I want to use my knowledge and work ethic to help. I don't care for the big bucks, I don't really care about the social status either. Like I have stated before integrity is important to me. I feel that happiness to me isn't about belongings. It's about being able to look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day without being disgusted. If you do things the right way sometimes you don't get a big pay off. However, somebody somewhere will notice it and they will remember you.

I am becoming an officer because I want to lead warriors. I am becoming an officer because I know that I can make a difference to somebody somewhere. I am training others to become officers because I owe it to those who have gone before and have inspired me to do the same. I know that it's not about me. I know that I come last for almost everything. I also know that when the time comes that I can't put my soldiers before me is when I need to go. I want to do this because it has given me so much and I need to pay it forward.

I am going to be true to Seth. I am going to "do me" for a while. That means I will do what I need to in order to feel right. I'm not out to ruin anybodies day or whatever. I'm just no longer accountable to anyone but myself. Yes I know I can still get in trouble but I won't. I will treat people the way they should be treated and move on. I have a purpose and I have the inspiration. I will come out on top and no one will stop me.

I have been through hell.

I have been through paradise.

I have seen things destroyed and all things nice.

I have lived and I have loved.

I have been to the top of the mountain and above.

I have flown through the air.

I have floated on the sea.

All of this belongs to me.

No one knows how it feels.

All of my wounds will heal.

The pain, the sadness, the guilt,

have all been covered by a quilt.

To be uncovered and displayed,

for those to see what I have paid.

I am stronger, I am wiser.

I will get up higher.

I will be on top...

So here it is...

So do you know anyone who doesn't have a backbone? I do. I know plenty of them. They are the ones who constantly take the easy way out. They use the same excuse for most of their activities, "I just wanted to avoid confrontation" or "it's just easier for me." Well those people can kiss my ass. People need to learn to do things the hard way sometimes. You only become refined by going through the fire.

I pride myself in the fact that I do have a back bone and that I live my life with integrity. There are so many things that can be taken away from you, but that is the only thing you can give away. I will give you the shirt off my back, I will give you my last $20...but I will not give away my integrity. Which goes back to my original point, the spineless have no integrity. They can kiss my ass as well.

I have a great opportunity to grow this year. I am going to take it and I am going to become the best that I can. I am going to see the best in Utah. I am going to out perform my cohorts in every facet that I can possible. I'm going to kill with kindness as well. Because it's how it's going to be done.

I may have been knocked down hard but I have gotten back up. Now I'm coming to kick the shit out of you and walk away with a smile. You want to see awesome...it's coming.

Out of this...

So out of this I have gained a new focus. I had to be brutally honest with myself as well. I have realized a few things.

I have an out. I have been trying to separate myself from the negativity and drama that has been surrounding me since the beginning of my time at school. It seemed to have been centered around a certain social group that I now have a good enough reason to keep at a professional level verses a social level. Also, with my previous situation I was always looked down upon for illegitimate reasons. I was unfairly judged and treated like a lesser person. So I have an out.

I can get back to being me. I don't have to buy anybody anything. I don't have to sit through stupid activities if I don't want to. I can be a little more picky as to who I help and who I don't. Plus I can cook for myself!!!

I started playing Kickball. Even though I just barely started, I find that the people I am around are on the same level as me. We all are around the same age!!! It's awesome. I can go out with them to the bar and I don't have to worry about someone thinking I'm only out for one thing. That's another thing, age does matter. It's not just a number, it is a whole maturity gap as well.

I have definitely become wiser as well. I know with even more authority what I am looking for.

I am second to only one.