So here it is...

So do you know anyone who doesn't have a backbone? I do. I know plenty of them. They are the ones who constantly take the easy way out. They use the same excuse for most of their activities, "I just wanted to avoid confrontation" or "it's just easier for me." Well those people can kiss my ass. People need to learn to do things the hard way sometimes. You only become refined by going through the fire.

I pride myself in the fact that I do have a back bone and that I live my life with integrity. There are so many things that can be taken away from you, but that is the only thing you can give away. I will give you the shirt off my back, I will give you my last $20...but I will not give away my integrity. Which goes back to my original point, the spineless have no integrity. They can kiss my ass as well.

I have a great opportunity to grow this year. I am going to take it and I am going to become the best that I can. I am going to see the best in Utah. I am going to out perform my cohorts in every facet that I can possible. I'm going to kill with kindness as well. Because it's how it's going to be done.

I may have been knocked down hard but I have gotten back up. Now I'm coming to kick the shit out of you and walk away with a smile. You want to see awesome...it's coming.

Out of this...

So out of this I have gained a new focus. I had to be brutally honest with myself as well. I have realized a few things.

I have an out. I have been trying to separate myself from the negativity and drama that has been surrounding me since the beginning of my time at school. It seemed to have been centered around a certain social group that I now have a good enough reason to keep at a professional level verses a social level. Also, with my previous situation I was always looked down upon for illegitimate reasons. I was unfairly judged and treated like a lesser person. So I have an out.

I can get back to being me. I don't have to buy anybody anything. I don't have to sit through stupid activities if I don't want to. I can be a little more picky as to who I help and who I don't. Plus I can cook for myself!!!

I started playing Kickball. Even though I just barely started, I find that the people I am around are on the same level as me. We all are around the same age!!! It's awesome. I can go out with them to the bar and I don't have to worry about someone thinking I'm only out for one thing. That's another thing, age does matter. It's not just a number, it is a whole maturity gap as well.

I have definitely become wiser as well. I know with even more authority what I am looking for.

I am second to only one.

I have been all over the world, I have been nowhere as well.

I have seen both heaven and have been dragged through hell.

I have the wisdom of a man many years my senior,

yet no matter what I do I can't seem to keep clear.

I will walk from this stronger and wiser,

and look for something that is much higher.

Something that wont go, something that wants to know.

Living my life and keeping my dream, isn't as easy as it may seem.

Love is fleeting, love is mean. With a new heart strong and clean,

I will take on the world and remain king.

I have looked through scope and have seen his face,

I have ended his life and feel no disgrace.

I watched the body fade away, on the dirty ground she did lay with the

screaming and commotion I ebb and flow just like the ocean.

The screams the cries, are strong enough to bring tears to the eyes.

I can see the future plain as day, the sky is heavy and has a shade of gray.

Small blue patch has caught my eye, that is happiness is the sky.

I will go for the blue, I will do it without you. I'm sorry...

No title...

Please be gentile with me. I may have a hard outside but its not me...

Before I leave...

I am going on a trip tomorrow and I think it will be good for me. I have come to understand that is over. I really don't wish it was this way, I really wish I could have this year with her.

I know that in time I will feel better, I also know that I have friends and family around to talk to. I feel bad talking to them though, I feel like I am annoying them. I feel like they don't need me to come and ruin their day with my shit.

The truth is this: I am hurt.

I need to get away for a bit to clear my mind and refocus my direction. I am moving on and I will face the situations as they come. If I get a chance to talk to her about this thing I'm not going to beg to be taken back...I have to much self-respect for that. I simply want to know what happened.

Ouch

I really don't know how to put into words what I am feeling right now. I turn to this blog to work things out. I know I will be ok though. I don't have or want to say anything bad about someone because that isn't my way. I don't know why it had to end like this, I don't know what I did. I thought I was doing everything right. I held her up so high and let her know how proud of her I am. I wanted to include her in many aspects of my life as I could. I care for her and I want her to be successful. I don't know what I did or what I didn't do.

I understand that people come and go, I understand that things can end. It was good while it was going, I worked so hard to be the man I thought she wanted me to be. I really don't know.

What I do know is that I am second only to one thing and no one compares to that Spirit. I know that I am a great guy and I know I am a great lover. I know that I am a good friend to those I am a friend to. I know that when I get knocked down I can get back up and dust myself off and come back. I'm not going to let this consume me. I'm not going to let this kill my life blood. I have been through to much to let it. I have seen death's face and slapped it. I have been through harder times and have been hurt worse. I always come out on top. Things may not work out for me like I want them to at first but eventually they do. I am a worker and a warrior, I fight the hard fights and emerge victorious.

I need to say this as well:

If you are reading this please don't respond with negativity. I am a man and I have class. I will not tolerate any sort of down talk towards her. As a man with class I will keep our dealings professional and mature. I may get mad and want an explanation but that may never come. I may be down, but I am not out.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.

A small bird will fall frozen dead from a bough

without ever feeling sorry for itself"

D.H. Lawrence

So what am I going to do? What I always do. Drive on.

So it has been a little bit since I have sat down to write. To be honest, I have no excuse for this inconsistency. It has been an interesting few months so far to say the very least...

My shoulder is feeling better; however, the strength and endurance isn't coming along as fast as I would like it but thats life I guess. I have been going back to the Vet's Center to talk out my issues. It has been very beneficial for me in the past and it will continue to be as I go on. The more I go in the more I realize that I am someone special. I have been through the worst life has to offer and I am a stronger person for it. I also have figured out that it is hard to give up my old ways of dealing with people. There is a huge difference between the people I am around now so I have to make constant adjustments. It's a lot like shooting, just because there isn't any wind at the 300m line doesn't mean there won't be at the 900m line. I have become more observant of others as well. Like the wind, they change with the day and temperature. Instead of affecting the flight path of the bullet, it changes the way they like to act towards others.

I am honestly chomping at the bit to get to LDAC and kick some ass. I know I have the tools to do well and I don't expect anything less of myself. This has been a long journey for me and I want to see it finished. My SMPCOA (Seth's Most Probable Course Of Action) is to go and just have a good time. I tend to do my best when I don't get hyped up about something and I keep a PMA. I just hope that the Mother's of America don't get to involved in the process and we can play some games. I miss them... not. That's another thing, I understand the methods and reasons behind the training I have been through but do I really have to keep getting these "one lecture fits all" talks? Whatever, I have been there and done that...I have the DD214 to prove it.

I don't really have much else to say other than I can't stand tool bags...